March 18, 2010: After a self-imposed exile from the Daily Mail and all its attendant delights, trying to avoid it but constantly being thwarted (and developing cabin fever at the same time), I decided to confront my nemesis and take a long, hard look at the dead tree version to enjoy the feel of having something so wondrous right in front of me, in my very hands. This is what happened.
Here goes: Me and my monkey get ready for the exciting task ahead.
Part 1: Bin there, done that - Hang on, it's a non-white face in Dead White Woman corner! But don't worry, the Taxpayers Alliance turn up to make everything all right again.
Part 2: Ad nauseum - look, a fucking massive mobile phone! And a way to reduce dampness. You can learn a lot about the demographic of readers by looking at the ads.
Part 3: Columnists - Quentin Letts and Liz Jones. Somehow even more unappealing in print than they are online. I wonder if Liz Jones is just a comedy character.
Part 4: Baffling - Jonathan Cainer's baroque horoscopes.
Part 5: Blooming cheek - I never did send off for those flowers.
Part 6: Cartoons - Disappointing line drawings to complement the disappointing words.
Part 7: Letters - The Mail readership laid bare in Straight To The Point. If you thought people who comment underneath articles were bad, you haven't seen anything yet...
Part 8: Can't be fucked to Google it - Want to find something out, but don't know how to use the so-called Internetwork? Write in to the Mail and satisfy that curiosity!
Part 9: Here's the bit I liked most - Never let it be said that the Daily Mail is entirely without merit. There are occasional treats in there, and here's one of them.
Part 10: And...? - I've never understood diary columns. Those people who slate blogs as being 'chatter' or 'babble' have clearly never read these banalities.
Part 11: Foreigns - Worried about foreigners? Have those fears confirmed in your favourite daily paper.
Part 12: Women! - Delving into 'Femail' and wondering why on earth the Mail has such a high readership among women.
Part 13: The end - Saying goodbye to the last ever copy of the Mail I will ever buy.