So, something of an update.
After all the fuss I made on here about not having a job, it seems awful to think that I am now giving up a job that I managed to secure. But I think it's the right thing to do.
Sometimes you have to let the less bad of two bad things happen. It's not easy to work out what that is, but once you've decided, the decision makes sense. In my case, carrying on at a job that was making me feel awful was bad enough, and staying there would have been worse.
It's something that you have to try and learn as a person who is prone to depression. You have to know what is going to hurt you and what you can live with. It's a thoroughly selfish attitude, of course, but there are times when you need to be selfish to have a sense of self at all.
I think it's really important to be able to anticipate things that are going to bring you down, and to try and stop them before they start. To stop the same mistakes from happening all the time, and stop things going wrong.
I understand that this is giving up. I understand that this seems utterly self-defeating and feeble. I know that the solution suggested by so many people would be to tough it out, to (in the most awful of phrases) grow a pair, as people say nowadays. But I have aneed to do what I think is right. And I am obscenely lucky in that I have a partner who supports me and understands. Love, I have decided, is worth more than anything. In the end, and at the worst times, all there is to hold on to is love. And I've never felt more loved than by those who support even the wrongest-seeming of decisions. Like I say, I am extremely lucky. I am lucky beyond anything I deserve. The people you love will give you a kick up the arse when you need it, but won't when you don't.
There is something else that reminds me so much of the erasons why it's so important to do everything you can to avoid unhappiness. Where I work (for these last few days) is a hospital, a place that smells vaguely of fruit cake and death. You see the faces of people being wheeled by. You see the families in tears. Life is so, so short. Too short to waste hurting yourself. Too short to grind yourself into the ground. If it's making you unhappy, stop doing it.
I know there's a school of thought - maybe it's a British thing, maybe not - that you have to do things you don't want to do in order to do the things you do want to do. Be patient, kiss the right bottoms and you will be rewarded. Work your way up. Do as you're told. Take the pain and you might one day get an office with a desk, and a window, and all of that.
It's not for me.
I can't do what makes me unhappy in the hope it might make me happy eventually. It doesn't work, for me.
And as I keep emphasising, I'm so fortunate to be able to make this decision.
So, that's that. Better things are waiting. The air is warm outside, and the sun shines. Spring is coming. Life returns, though it was there all along. This isn't negative, it's optimistic. Things are going to improve. Starting now.
I suppose there's something else that I should add. When I write posts like this, people worry that future employers, or people who might (or might not) be responsible for giving me a job one day, might read them. I know that is a danger, and I do consider it.
But I look at it like this: job applicants have all kinds of things that they conceal. We're all keen t brush our weaknesses under the carpet and present ourselves as the best possible person for the job. We know that isn't true, deep down, and we know that we're flawed. Not everyone is as flawed as me, but I'm upfront about it. I know what I'm bad at. I know what I'm good at, as well. Being honest about yourself is what blogging often is. If you can't do that, then you're only ever showing people a certain side of yourself, the side you'd like to present. I prefer to show the sides that don't seem as positive, or good; this is me, and that's that. I realise this post doesn't make me enticing to potential future employers who might happen across it - unless they value honesty above all else, I suppose. I don't know.
All I do know is that writing about these things helps me, which is why I do it.