Update
So, something of an update.
After all the fuss I made on here about not having a job, it seems awful to think that I am now giving up a job that I managed to secure. But I think it's the right thing to do.
Sometimes you have to let the less bad of two bad things happen. It's not easy to work out what that is, but once you've decided, the decision makes sense. In my case, carrying on at a job that was making me feel awful was bad enough, and staying there would have been worse.
It's something that you have to try and learn as a person who is prone to depression. You have to know what is going to hurt you and what you can live with. It's a thoroughly selfish attitude, of course, but there are times when you need to be selfish to have a sense of self at all.
I think it's really important to be able to anticipate things that are going to bring you down, and to try and stop them before they start. To stop the same mistakes from happening all the time, and stop things going wrong.
I understand that this is giving up. I understand that this seems utterly self-defeating and feeble. I know that the solution suggested by so many people would be to tough it out, to (in the most awful of phrases) grow a pair, as people say nowadays. But I have aneed to do what I think is right. And I am obscenely lucky in that I have a partner who supports me and understands. Love, I have decided, is worth more than anything. In the end, and at the worst times, all there is to hold on to is love. And I've never felt more loved than by those who support even the wrongest-seeming of decisions. Like I say, I am extremely lucky. I am lucky beyond anything I deserve. The people you love will give you a kick up the arse when you need it, but won't when you don't.
There is something else that reminds me so much of the erasons why it's so important to do everything you can to avoid unhappiness. Where I work (for these last few days) is a hospital, a place that smells vaguely of fruit cake and death. You see the faces of people being wheeled by. You see the families in tears. Life is so, so short. Too short to waste hurting yourself. Too short to grind yourself into the ground. If it's making you unhappy, stop doing it.
I know there's a school of thought - maybe it's a British thing, maybe not - that you have to do things you don't want to do in order to do the things you do want to do. Be patient, kiss the right bottoms and you will be rewarded. Work your way up. Do as you're told. Take the pain and you might one day get an office with a desk, and a window, and all of that.
It's not for me.
I can't do what makes me unhappy in the hope it might make me happy eventually. It doesn't work, for me.
And as I keep emphasising, I'm so fortunate to be able to make this decision.
So, that's that. Better things are waiting. The air is warm outside, and the sun shines. Spring is coming. Life returns, though it was there all along. This isn't negative, it's optimistic. Things are going to improve. Starting now.
I suppose there's something else that I should add. When I write posts like this, people worry that future employers, or people who might (or might not) be responsible for giving me a job one day, might read them. I know that is a danger, and I do consider it.
But I look at it like this: job applicants have all kinds of things that they conceal. We're all keen t brush our weaknesses under the carpet and present ourselves as the best possible person for the job. We know that isn't true, deep down, and we know that we're flawed. Not everyone is as flawed as me, but I'm upfront about it. I know what I'm bad at. I know what I'm good at, as well. Being honest about yourself is what blogging often is. If you can't do that, then you're only ever showing people a certain side of yourself, the side you'd like to present. I prefer to show the sides that don't seem as positive, or good; this is me, and that's that. I realise this post doesn't make me enticing to potential future employers who might happen across it - unless they value honesty above all else, I suppose. I don't know.
All I do know is that writing about these things helps me, which is why I do it.
Related posts:
Buy my book, it’s great
Switch site
Donate
Recent Posts
- Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio…
- Children died
- The letters you never get around to sending
- Applying again
- I just sent Robin round – 2
Most Commented On
Recent Comments
- Iain on Applying again
- Roger on The letters you never get around to sending
- Dave Hodgkinson on The letters you never get around to sending
- droid on The letters you never get around to sending
- Rogue_Leader on The letters you never get around to sending
About Me
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
If you're struggling to read the site please use the drop down box below to increase the text size.
March 1st, 2012 - 14:45
been reading your blog for a couple of years now and have got a lot of enjoyment from it (i even bought the book!) so really hope this works out for you
i’ve felt how you are feeling in the past, in fact i just stopped turning up at one job until they had no option but to sack me. though i thought i was weak at the time long term it was one of my better decisions (if not done in the the best manner).
if you are lucky enough to have someone who can support you then do what makes you happy. as you say life is too short
March 1st, 2012 - 22:10
“I understand that this is giving up. I understand that this seems utterly self-defeating and feeble.”
You ain’t giving up. At worst it’s a strategic retreat.
If you carry on with something that makes you unhappy it poisons everything else in your life. Then you’ll have a job you hate and a shit life to boot.
I can’t see that being A Good Thing.
March 2nd, 2012 - 08:44
I’m in the position that your partner (wife?) is. My wife has struggled with depression for the past decade. She’s learned, like you, to spot the things in life (like terrible jobs) that could eventually make her sick again, then try to avoid them.
For my own part, it’s taken 15 years to realise that I’ll never be happy working for someone else and I’ve just walked away from a steady, well paid job to work for myself.
We’ve both come to realise that sometimes the greater good is served by giving up and trying something different. Doing the same thing again and expecting different results is madness, after all.
March 2nd, 2012 - 10:06
Good luck Steven. I’ve got a partner who supports me, and feel lucky everyday that she can. I get to see my son before and after school. I can cook now, which is no mean feat, and even baked an edible cake last week (on top of the Skype’d pastry lesson from my Grandma on Tuesday).
The simplicity of life is so appealing. I can earn little amounts online, don’t claim a penny, and together, as a family, we spend so much more time together. Removing the constant stress, hassle and bullshit that goes into getting two full-time wages is a blessing. Who needs more stuff? And, yes of course if we didn’t have one decent wage, enough to cover the basics, then we wouldn’t even have this option, but house-husbandry is one of the best jobs I’ve ever had, and I get paid fuck all.
March 2nd, 2012 - 15:38
A right decision, I think. Best of luck for the future; I hope everything works out for you.
March 2nd, 2012 - 20:26
Hang in there. You know what’s important. Good decision Steve.
March 3rd, 2012 - 21:48
Best of luck! I took redundancy last summer rather than keep doing a job that was driving me slowly insane.
‘Love, I have decided, is worth more than anything.’ Quite right. Never let anyone devalue the most important thing in life.
I really enjoy your posts and hope you’ll keep writing.
April 8th, 2012 - 14:50
Been there, done that. One simply cannot stay in a job that one hates. Particularly if prone to depression. In the end, your health is worth much more.
May 11th, 2012 - 15:05
I only discovered your blog today, Steven. When my husband was made redundant nearly two years ago I was faced with the choice of sticking with my own job (which sounded cool on paper and was slow death in reality, and wages too low to support two people), or leaving – poverty in full-time work, or poverty with the one I love. I chose the latter.
We’re both still unemployed. We both have depression. But in the nights when I lay awake with that little bastard of self-loathing/doubt in my head gibbering its thoughts of ‘was I right? Did I really make the right decision?’ ….I think of what the alternative would have meant. As shit as this last 18 months have been, if I’d stayed working there my husband, the man I love more than any other, would have gone through the whole thing. Alone.
Lucky does not begin to describe what I am for finding someone who loves me as much as him. Now, as then, I would rather spend every waking moment with him in poverty – than cling to a hateful job that kept us barely afloat, and away from him from early in the morning til late at night.
The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe.
May 16th, 2012 - 14:02
Steve
Been a follower on Twitter for ages, and when I started feeling similar about my job I came back to this and it really helped me have the courage to leave a job which made me miserable, as well as swallowing my pride to admit it so I could figure out how I would get financial support if I can’t find anything during my notice period. Glad you made the right decision, and thanks for talking about it.