Positively speaking
I'm far too gloomy. Things are going to be all right, and everything's going to be OK. I know this much is true, because generally this is how these things work out. It's hard to remember, when you're in the middle of a losing streak, what it's like for things to go your way; but you have to remember that they do.
I'm trying to convince myself, but I remain sceptical, even as I type the words. Sure, I say to myself, it's all very well saying that things are going to improve, but with no evidence that they will, how can you believe they will? I suppose you can look back on times when you felt that way about other things, and situations improved, but then how can you be sure that will repeat itself now? But it will, I reply, it will. Things will get better, and this angsty nonsense will be just a memory. It's the attempt to replace fear with hope. It's the idea that things will go right, because they ought to, because they should, rather than because there are any indications that they might.
Is it better to be told nothing or to be told something? I don't know. I got an email yesterday from a supermarket, as I'd applied for a job there - 16 hours a week picking things off shelves for home shopping, from 3am to 6am - but was told the same old "However, on this occasion" niceties. The pleasant lady who wrote to me - well, I assume it was the same email copied and pasted to everyone, but still, I found the wording less brutal and somehow more comforting than usual - said that she was sure (sure!) that my hard work would pay off and I'd find something to. I imagine all the other no-mark failures like me were temporarily prevented from feeling the same rage of inadequacy. I don't know.
How the fuck do you turn something like that into a positive feeling, a pleasant sentiment, a thing that makes you feel better about yourself, rather than worse? Well, I have thought about it. You have a lot of time to think about things when you're unemployable, as I am, and you do get a chance to be philosophical, as well as to pointlessly ruminate endlessly about where you went wrong. But if you can be philosophical, rather than dwelling on where you went wrong and wondering whether it's ever going to go right for you again, you can try and salvage some positive things from the wreckage.
So I look at it like this: any sense of misguided entitlement that I may have had before all this began is gone. And that must be a good thing. I realise that I'm not entitled to a job, I don't deserve a job, I shouldn't be 'given' a job. No-one should 'give' me a job. I should get one. I should take one. I should fight for one, and win one. And when I do get one, I'll be more grateful than I used to be, when I took working for granted, when I grumbled and complained about how awful things were working where I used to work. I'll just be pleased to have some money and to be able to know where it's coming from, and not look ahead two or three months with a sense of dread and hopelessness. I'll be able to look my partner in the eye and feel I haven't let them down or failed them; I'll be able to feel better about myself, that I can work.
That's all positive, I think. It may have taken this experience to change my attitude a little, but I feel I am changed. I feel I am much more humble and much less arrogant about it all. I realise I don't deserve anything. Having qualifications and a degree don't matter, if you haven't got the right experience. Sometimes having the right experience isn't enough. Sometimes having the right experience, the qualifications, the degree and being really good at your job isn't enough. Sometimes you just have to be in the right place at the right time and give the right impression to the right person.
So there it is. That's what I take from all this. There are a couple of ways of looking at it: I could sink into despair and think that this is a new low, a new shame, a new humiliation. Or I could think that this is just what I've needed for some time, to make me appreciate the things I do have, when I get them back. Whenever that is. I suppose it's easier to take the first approach, to be helpless and hopeless, and I don't criticise anyone who does, because I know I've done it. But I am trying as hard as I can to think the other way.
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About Me
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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October 28th, 2011 - 10:16
McDonald’s! I’m not joking! They’re, like, always recruiting. I’ve worked at McD’s since I started college, and all throughout uni, the flexibility is unbeatable.
Are you finding it hard to get on a PGCE? There are other options, my sister-in-law did a school-based qualification to get her QTS. Do you know much about it?
October 28th, 2011 - 15:18
I’ve been out of work before and I know it can feel like it’s wearing away at you.
If you’re anything like me then you need do something to give you a break from the stress of thinking about your situation.
You should try upping your physical exercise so you can to burn off some of the energy and frustration. I recently did the NHS couch to 5k running program (http://www.nhs.uk/LiveWell/c25k/Pages/couch-to-5k.aspx) and found it pretty good for giving me a goal to achieve and turn my brain off for a while. If you’re already getting plenty of exercise then why not look for some part time volunteer work or something.
Something will come along and it’ll feel right and the interview will go well and you’ll get the job. Until then you’ve just got to keep trying.
October 28th, 2011 - 16:05
I got a job rejection of a similar kind this week. I often feel intense despair, but like you I remind myself that things do tend to work out okay. I’ve been almost drowned in depression before, but I survived. Survival is always an option. You’re a brave, intelligent man and have a lot going for you. One day, sooner or later, the much-needed change will come.
October 30th, 2011 - 18:37
I’m also out of work. I’ve got a few mental health problems and the nice lady at the jobcentre has said I’m not really fit for work, yet the not so nice people within the welfare system deem me fit for work, so I am in this grey area and not really knowing where I am going to end up.
Dealing with job after job rejection, application after application form were I really do have to tick the “do you have a disability” thingy on the back (if I mention it at a potential interview I will be admitting to lying on said form), and the hostility and suspicion I face from the jobcentre that I am faking an illness I’ve been on medication for since 1998 are all conspiring to make me even more unwell. Having a fragile mind to begin with, dealing with Iain Duncan Smiths stupid mug on the telly really does make me a little more prone to breaking sometimes. Suicide is pretty frequently in my thoughts, but I mostly manage to keep away the feelings of it so I am not really at risk. I just get really low and need some valium from time to time. I particularly love the times I am not only suspected of being a lazy wastrel but also accused of “stealing” from “honest hard working people”. When those thought seep into my head the damage they can do can be pretty nasty, the kind of mental states I can reach.
That’s my situation. It can be pretty bad. But we’re not here for my therapy, we’re here for yours damnit! Now lie on that couch… Mr Baxter, although I am in the same boat as you, being one of the “feckless, scrounging, lazy, parasitic waster of a human being” that the Daily Express never fails to pontificate about (what a lovely pornographer Mr Desmond is!), but I don’t really know how the pain of this feels for you, and about how much store you set by this situation. I am going to give you some advice though, from my situation, and about how I cope with it.
Remember that no matter what, you are NOT your job. You are NOT your bank account, your qualifications, your CV, or any of that crap. You are a person, an emotional soul, a decent man caught up in a situation far beyond his control. You are an honest and caring person who hasn’t spat on those less fortunate than himself, who really now appreciates the value of treating someone else down his luck with some decency and common humility.
Because you see other people as people, you are worth more in this world than 50 Rupert Murdochs or George Osbornes, job or no job. You don’t owe anyone an apology for your situation, the humiliation you feel is down to the constant deluge of the right-wing horseshit propaganda we are fed in the constant attempt to get people to accept yet more hatred against “economically inactive” people who don’t serve the free-market masters. It isn’t because you are any less of a person.
Whether it takes another two weeks to find a job, or whether you never have another job in your life, that is not the measure of who or what you are. The love you feel, the lives you touch, and the lack of damage you inflict on others are far more important indicators of the worth of a person. And by that standard you are considerably more than The Express, The Mail, The Sun, and the Conservatives all combined.
So take heart, and keep strong, and never forget that you’re not alone in all of this.
December 19th, 2011 - 19:24
I worked at 2 companies for the last 25 years. In 2008 times began to get tough again in Land Surveying and by Sept. 2011 I was looking and it became apparent no company was hiring. In times past I was single when under/un-employed. After raising 7 kids with 1 still at home I can’t take a minimum wage job sweeping or cleaning toilets as easily. BUT I will do what it takes to make it and trust to Providence with knowing that from the hard times have come the BEST times