Secret conspiracy over baby names revealed
July 28, 1924
The Office for National Statistics has released this year's 'most popular boys' names' list - but due to a SECRET politically correct CONSPIRACY by the namby-pamby soi-disant liberal-left diversity brigade, they have SPLIT UP names so they don't appear as popular as they really are - MASKING the TRUE EXTENT of the Government's 'OPEN DOOR' policy on Freds.
At number 15 is the name FREDERICK. But look! Look at what they've done! In order to stop it being the most popular name, and revealing the MASSIVE INFLUX OF FREDS INTO THIS COUNTRY, they have decided to say that "Fred" is a SEPARATE NAME and listed it at number 68 as well! But it doesn't stop there! Alfred, WHICH CAN ALSO BE SHORTENED TO FRED, is at number 32! And WILFRED is at 60!
"Clearly," said a spokesman for the making up the same load of shit every single fucking year, "this is a secret Government plot to ensure that in eighty-odd years' time, when there are variant spellings of Mohammed, they will be counted as SEPARATE NAMES AS WELL, just to appease the PC Brigade!"
* Do you like this post? Would you like a book of posts that are a bit like this, except funnier and better, along with loads of new stuff? You would? Great, why not pop over to here and buy it! There's also a Kindle version here...
No related posts.
Buy my book, it’s great
Switch site
Donate
Recent Posts
Most Commented On
Recent Comments
- Eddie on A day with the Daily Mail
- Eddie on A day with the Daily Mail
- Eddie on Peter Hitchens depresses me. But I won’t kill him.
- Emily on Update
- Angela Webb on This isn’t a flounce
About Me
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
If you're struggling to read the site please use the drop down box below to increase the text size.
July 28th, 2011 - 14:59
I find the most curious thing about this each year is what they are winking at, “look at all the foreign names”, could be worked out better by adding up all the Islamic names and dividing that number by the total to see that actually it’s about 5-10% of births each year.
July 28th, 2011 - 15:59
Nicely done. I did wonder if it was Baby Names Coming Out Day when I saw ‘Minge’ trending on twitter.
The Mail and the Telegraph, I note, are both cheerfully proclaiming that Oliver is the top name “for the second year in a row”, which seems to contradict their stance last year ever so slightly… Presumably because, even with all the possible variants added together, there’s still a solid 700 or so fewer Mohammeds than Olivers this (i.e., last) year. Still a 100 more than in 2009, though. Lock up your daughters.
And by those newspapers’ preferred methodology, Lily is *still* the top girls name. If the Neo-Cromwellians haven’t destroy mother England by 2050, the herbaceous flowering plants will. Don’t trust anything with bulbs. Not even their Marxist allies, the light bulbs. Especially those “energy saving” ones we’re forced to use by the EUSSR. The dimmies.
‘Cos they’re less bright than… Never mind.
(As an aside, Mohammed makes the UK Top 70 names as far back as 1934, placing higher than Daniel, Andrew, Martin and… Abdul, apparently. It’s ninety-first even in 1924. Heavens to Elizabeth.)
July 28th, 2011 - 16:42
Gutted for the Express et al. Adding up various spellings of Mohammed only gets you up to second in the list. Still 1000 behind Oliver. Then again I stopped counting after the first 1000 most common names. Adding Ollie puts another 1000 in there.
Also, how did 1712 people call their kid Mason?
July 28th, 2011 - 20:00
Maybe all of them have it as a surname and are big Joseph Heller fans…
August 1st, 2011 - 12:20
Two things strike me, first that statistics are compiled on such nonsense and second how old fashioned many of the names are. Jack, harry, Alfie and George are names of blokes in their seventies who sit in the pub wearing flat caps. Ruby and Grace are aging maiden aunts who smell of moth balls and mint imperials.
August 5th, 2011 - 19:53
“Also, how did 1712 people call their kid Mason?”
I know! Ridiculous, right? Mason is _clearly_ a girl’s name.