Into the abyss
Tomorrow evening, at about 5pm or possibly sooner or later, I won't have a job any more.
This will be an odd situation, given that I've had a job pretty much constantly since 1998. I've not always loved 'the toad', but I've liked the idea of having an income, giving me money to pay for things; and I've been lucky enough to work in an industry that was almost adjacent to the things I like doing, even if I didn't really end up being as successful as it as I might have hoped to be. So, I am already better off than a lot of other people. What have I got to complain about? Many, many, many people are much, much worse off than me right now, and getting a P45 won't change that.
I am still remarkably fortunate to have blagged a career as a so-called journalist, working for a series of small and deeply unloved newspapers across the country, given that I never did the proper training, or sat the proper exams, or any of that. All the same, there's something unsatisfactory about having been made redundant; you feel that there was more, perhaps, that you could have done to ameliorate the situation, or make things different - maybe you could have made different choices at different times, and things would have worked out in a better way, and this wouldn't be happening. But then, so many other things, good things, wouldn't have happened either. You can't go back. Where you are is the result of all the choices you've made, and all the things you can't control. Where you are is where you are; where I am. And it's not so bad, despite everything.
Things are a little different, though, from when I was last unemployed and had just graduated from the unlovely former polytechnic where I studied. Then, I just popped into a couple of temp agencies and got offered a few jobs that I could do. It seemed pretty easy: you wanted a job, you got given a job, and off you went. Simple. Now, well it's not quite the same. I walked into a temp agency the other week, to be told that they wanted my CV sent by email.
"But I have it here, in my hand, and I could speak to someone."
"No, you'll have to email it to us."
"And then I can speak to someone?"
"Well, we won't be in touch if there isn't anything suitable for you."
"Oh."
Oh. And they weren't in touch, either. Whether a fatter, balder, more weary-looking 36-year-old me is just less appealing than a 23-year-old me, I don't know, but there it is; despite all the experience and skills I've accrued in the meantime, I appear to have gone backwards. I am worse off now than I was then. Maybe they can sense the desperation, smell the fear, or see the jadedness dripping off me; I don't know. But it doesn't seem particularly promising. I wonder sometimes if people see the word 'journalist' or 'journalism' in a CV and think you've been sitting in a sandpit with an upturned potty on your head for the past 11-12 years rather than working at a job with transferable skills. Maybe they just don't like me. I don't know, and I have no way of knowing.
Presumably, as ever, writing about this and being available to find under a quick Google search as someone who writes self-absorbed blogposts about feeling sorry for oneself about nearly being unemployed and unemployable is exactly the kind of thing that will make the situation worse, rather than better. Potential employers may be scanning through this very text, shaking their heads, already reaching the arrow towards the X in the top-right corner, preparing to chuck the CV in the bin - if they've made it this far through the turgid mess of mewling rubbish. Ah well. That's how I deal with things, by writing about them, so whether it helps or makes it worse, that's the only thing I have.
So, there I am, into the abyss. I don't think it will do my depression much good, given that the structure and routine of work is something that I actually enjoy. I like having a series of tasks to tick off and get through in a certain amount of time, rather than no deadlines and the opportunity to meander and be distracted... the latter is not a good thing, and brings out that restless, anxious, awkward, procrastinating side of my personality, the depressed kind of side. So I will have to watch out for that, I suppose, and think about other things to keep me occupied, without the toad to worry about, or fret about, or keep me stable.
"I've pencilled in your breakdown for Thursday," jokes the person I'm closest to. At least I think she's joking.
Sitting at home all day, doing nothing, thinking I can write. Looking out of the window, peeking past the half-closed curtains at the sunshine outside, wishing the day would turn into night, and then I could get something done, though nothing ever gets done... daytime TV... the long empty afternoons of nothingness. I don't want to retire. I don't want to give up. I don't want to not have a job, much as I might have complained about having a job when I had a job. I want to work, but I can't work at anything that uses my feeble white-collar skillset. I chose to work in a dying industry, and it kicked me out before I was ready. That's all my own fault, and there's no-one to blame but me. And that's fine. It's just that I could have done with a bit more time, or for this to have happened at another time. But no, it happens now. It's happening now, it's really happening.
Is it really the case that I am looking into the abyss? I don't know. I don't know if it's an abyss or not. I can't be relentlessly and pointlessly optimistic about something that hasn't happened yet, nor relentlessly and pointlessly negative about it either. There's just no way of knowing what will or might or could happen, or where things will go. There is just another day, another week, and then a thing called the future. All I can do - and I will do - is try to make it as good as possible.
So, that was that. That was work. Or one lot of work. One career, which didn't quite work out in the way I'd hoped it might work out. Instead of which, there's only uncertainty. But uncertainty can be a good thing, a positive thing, a thing that can lead to better things. That's what I tell myself. That's what I hope.
In the meantime, I just wait, and write, and wonder.
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About Me
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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June 16th, 2011 - 14:41
Great writing, as ever.
Just on a practical note: get volunteering. It will give your day structure, get you out of the house, keep you busy, you’ll meet people, you’ll be doing Good Things. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m giving out generic advice, I’m just thinking back to when I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago, and it kept me closer to sanity (or perhaps further from more serious anxiety/depression).
And good luck! Keep writing…
June 16th, 2011 - 14:50
To have written all that, I’m sure you have a bright future in writing. I empathise, I really do, being out of work myself, but due to being bullied – so I feel I failed. But it was the manager’s above me that did. I have to keep reminding myself that. And in your case, it is the changing circumstances of journalism, communications, and the vast economic faux pas going on in response to global failure. These things come and go; but while they’re here it seems they’ll last forever. I felt like that about Thatcherism. It did go, it’s just a shame it came back too soon!
On the more positive side, how about looking into e-magazines, writing a book or a play, or even teaching English? I know very few people are currently taking on staff or investing, but make finding your niche your job for now. Who knows, you might come up with a best seller!
Good luck.
June 16th, 2011 - 15:08
I’m unemployed at the moment now, too. I’m trying to keep my chin up though. I might start knitting or something.
Good luck with the job hunt, anyway!
June 16th, 2011 - 15:16
Have you thought of self-publishing a book? I’ve done a few, and make some money from them – not enough to live on, but a decent amount. And you’re a better writer with a larger readership.
June 16th, 2011 - 15:29
Hopefully that’s on the way… one of the many things I need to get done once I’m finished at work/work!
June 16th, 2011 - 18:46
I enjoy everything you write, but if by book you mean novel, then I can’t wait. I remember you posting a short piece of fiction on here which had me entranced (couldn’t track it down in the archives, else I would have linked to it). So crack on lad, crack on.
June 16th, 2011 - 15:27
I hear you about lacking structure. I compose music, and I’ll write more for a deadline that’s two days away than I ever would with a month of free writing time!
June 16th, 2011 - 20:36
Keep writing. You’re actually quite good at it. I’d go along with what earlier contributors have said; apply for jobs but get out and do things, don’t retreat indoors. I have been unemployed a couple of times. Once I was sacked (no way I can dress it up) and I really despaired. I did what everyone does; applied for dozens of jobs on a daily basis – e-mail and on-line job sites are a wonderful thing – but the jobs actually came from being in the right place at the right time. I was on a fixed term contract when the guy next to me took a call, asked where the job was and said he did not want it. I asked for his phone (he was still on the call) and said that I was interested. Got an interview, got the job and never looked back!
Always remember – you have a big following, nobody makes any of us contribute but you have a way of stirring things. Best wishes.
June 16th, 2011 - 22:14
Great post. It could have been written about me! I was in a similar line of work, and long expected to be let go, but always thought it would be about necessity, or age… in the end it was because of greed!
Make sure you do something with your time… anything… volunteer, jog, learn a language, go to college, whatever. I’m now at university studying to do something that couldn’t be more different to what I was doing, so I recommend that option to you. It’s good fun.
Hopefully you will also realise that all those things that you used to like spending your money on were mostly things that you didn’t need (or possibly really even want), and that someone someday, will probably put into a skip when they’re clearing out your house following your death!
I’m happier not being part of the cycle of greed any more, and I’d recommend that change of lifestyle to those who are employed too.
Oh and one important piece of advice. Resist the temptation to have snacks in your house, plan your weekly shop accordingly. Grazing will only make you fat.
June 17th, 2011 - 08:53
Here’s something of a consolation for you: they may be self-absorbed blog posts, but right there is evidence of a regular commitment to writing.
I was lucky in that, when I was made redundant, I walked straight into another job the next day. I mean, it was three hours a day in a university bookshop for minimum wage – hardly career-furthering stuff – but it got me out of the house and prevented the seemingly inevitable decline into chronic depression while watching Jeremy Kyle in my underwear. A full-time retail job after that again wasn’t really related to my writing ambitions, but given the nature of the particular company gave me plenty to talk about at interviews (even if their NDAs mean I can’t really do so online.
But when I landed this job, which last week became permanent, I was told that it was my blogging – acting as evidence that I hadn’t given up – which had most impressed them. And now I have “journalist” as a job title for the first time in my life, even if it isn’t journalism as most people would understand it.
You can tailor your CV for marketing jobs too. You might find it soul-destroying (I know my boss does) but eh, ’tis money.
I will be thinking of you. And if you ever want to rant or wail at somebody who has been there, feel free.
June 17th, 2011 - 12:06
I don’t know if advice would be welcome, but what worked for me when I was last looking for work was trawling through a whole load of recruitment websites (Reed, Jobsite etc) and uploading my CV. This lead to a surprisingly large amount of contact from recruitment agencies and got me my current job. Don’t know if that’s a common experience, but it worked better than all the applications I made myself and made the recruiters do all the work.
June 17th, 2011 - 12:07
Yeah, I’ve done that. Nothing.
June 19th, 2011 - 15:49
your writing is good. consistent, interesting and readable. there are writing jobs out there, you just need to think more laterally (as some have suggested). i picked up some script writing from small video production companies i called locally which led on to some voiceover work. little dribbles of work here and there help keep the wolf and the depression demons at bay. (& souperman is right, a deadline helps)
the biggest problem with redundancy for me was the feeling of rejection. a large part of my social structure had been removed and i found out what depression really was. load of bollocks really and all part of the big work con. so don’t fall into that trap, you are not defined by your job, be confident in you.
June 21st, 2011 - 15:25
I’ve been there and totally understand… the wasted days, the changes in social life, the humilliation of having to breathe the same air as the generally stupid and ignorant people you have to talk to at agencies, the humiliation, the self-esteem gone… the hundreds of CVs sent with no replies, the readymade replies, it is a dark place!
However, you have a talent, a craft… write a book and network, network, network. That’s what will get you out of the place you’re in!
I’ll buy it and I’m sure others will!