Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

Royal wedding liveblog joy

1.51pm It's all over. I say 'over' but I mean 'over' in the sense of 'over for now, but is going to be endless repeated on a hypnotic loop until the end of time itself'.

1.34pm Lots of people have died in America, but they are poor and southern and are not having a fairytale wedding.

1.27pm YAY HE KISSED HER WAHEY WOO

1.25pm THERE SHE IS! THERE SHE IS! THERE HE IS!

1.23pm We are looking through net curtains into someone's house. How terribly British.

1.22pm Cotton's back. A nation sighs.

12.54pm "Stay with us!" pleads Huw. Where can we go, Huw? ITV? I think not.

12.48pm All eyes on the balcony now. The excitement!

12.46pm "It must be hot in that studio, Huw's guests are sweating like Neil Lennon's postman"

12.35pm There's only one explanation. This is the BBC being so sycophantically awful, so cloyingly unctuous, that they are attempting to force the population into violent revolution. That's all it can be. They can't be playing this straight. Can they?

12.34pm Oh, the man off Strictly Come Dancing now. "Did you enjoy it?" he asks the crowd.

12.33pm "I saw a glimpse of white," says poor child hauled up to the Mall, now suffering under the interrogation of Cotton.

12.32pm The 'Fearne Cotton' moment. The moment when the nation unites once again to cry a collective tear of frustration at the awfulness of it all.

12.26pm They're getting out of the coach. First 'upskirt' opportunity as a royal for Kate, there.

12.24pm Tense in the snooker. Now 7-6 to Trump. This one could go all the way.

12.21pm Bit boring now. It's just a coach going along a road. Am I missing the joy of the pomp? "Just think of the thousands of people here," says Huw. "It's a very special moment." I'll be the judge of that, pal.

12.17pm Bright Green are attempting to collate all the bad news buried today.

12.16pm Where is Dimbleby, anyway?

12.14pm Edwards is now basically just naming places. "The Mall... the Cenotaph..."

12.10pm The roars! The joy! And still, Edwards continues. Who will stop him? Will he ever stop? Will he still be commentating on this in five years' time?

12.06pm A fair point. @SharonGooner tweets: "Who the FUCKERY apart from Enid Blyton would call a child Pippa?"

12.05pm A good day to bury bad news and I'm sure it's not the first or last.

12.04pm William's sash there, a nod to the Crystal Palace 1980s kit.

12.03pm I'm back. Did I miss anything? Don't let anyone sell you the "Britain was at a standstill" bullshit; the M4 was busier than ever. Full of caravans as well. Almost enough to rouse my inner Clarkson.

11.05am Look, I'm off to work. I'll be back in a bit. You enjoy your bunting and street parties. Some of us have got jobs to go to.

11.04am HERE COMES THE BRIDE. All dressed in white. Looking quite lovely, but his hair is shite.

11.03am The crowds. The church. The people. All of that is presumably happening.

11.02am There's something about us all, isn't there, that grows up wanting to be a little snooker player one day. I remember wearing my little Bill Werbeniuk outfit to school, hoping one day to be at the Crucible Theatre. But it was the 15 pints a day I couldn't manage.

11.01am I am in tears. Tears are falling. At the beauty. The beauty of that middle-pocket pot from Ding.

11.00am Oh, isn't she lovely? I'm not looking, I'm just guessing.

10.59am Who knows what must be going through their minds. Only them. And they are there, and we can't ask them. We can only speculate at what they must be thinking at this crucial moment. But if I had to guess, I would think Judd Trump would be saying "I must get this safety shot behind the pink."

10.59am Thank god, it's back. Attempted safety shot from Ding, there. Leaves Trump a tricky escape.

10.58am Oh no, the live snooker feed has gone down. Sort it out, BBC.

10.57am "Is she nervous? Of course she is," says Huw.

10.56am "I want to kill Huw Edwards" is overheard. That voice speaks for the nation.

10.55am OH THE DRESS. LACE. VEIL. ARREST HER, SHE'S WEARING A VEIL IN PUBLIC, MUST BE A TROUBLEMAKER.

10.24am I'm doing some ironing. I can't liveblog and iron at the same time.

10.23am Shame, just a baulk safety off the brown.

10.22am Oh but that's a good long red.

10.20am Sipping his water thoughtfully now, the Keynsham-based potter.

10.19am Good break of 92, that's given young Judd Trump something to think about.

10.18am Speaking of snooker, Ding has just potted a tricky red along the bottom cushion. He's going to make it 5 frames to 4 now.

10.17am The car still trundling along now. Waving in white gloves, a nod to the world snooker championships there and former referee Len Ganley, I think.

10.12am AND HERE'S A CAR! It has... it has some people in it. There he is, cheeky scamp Harry. Hope he's got the rings! Haha. And, yes, there we are. Nervous Wills. Waving.

10.10am Policemen standing in the road. Will one of them faint? Will they?

10.08am What are they waving their flags at? Is it an instinctive human response, when given a flag, to wave it? But they are waving their flags at an empty road. This saddens me.

10.07am Plastic union jack bowler hats. Where do they all come from? Oh, someone famous, in ill-fitting trousers, is talking to Huw Edwards.

10.03am And the crowds are exci- wait! DAVID CAMERON LOOKING LIKE VERY MUCH A TOFF. And SamCam, there.

10:00am Many people are walking into a building. Some of them have hats. Others do not have hats. Mainly, women are wearing hats and men are not.

9:59am some people are milling around in a church. Of course churches have existed since ancient times and many people still use them today for weddings and burials.

9.57am amazing scenes in the crowd. I saw someone from another country. They were happy.

9.52am A hotel here, where Kate Middleton slept last night. If she did sleep! Who could? Today she has probably gone to the toilet and brushed her hair. Who knows what she's thinking? I wish we knew. Oh, Kate, please tell us. What's behind that radiant smile?

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

Related posts:

1. Hastily cobbled together royal wedding bollocks