Today is Blue Monday, 'the most depressing day of the year', 'according to psychologists'. Or just some made-up silliness to flog a few things a few years ago, which has taken over a life of its own. Hey, gloomy! Go and buy this, you'll love it, it's the gloomiest day of the year! Hey, grumpy! No wonder you're grumpy, it's the grumpiest day of the year - so buy this and make yourself happy! Get a holiday! Comfort eat! Drink yourself silly! Buy something! Buy it now! Buy something! Buy it from me!
Blue Monday is going to come true, I think. People will come to dread the third Monday in January, for very good reasons. Not because of some specious formula that calculates the distance between Christmas and holidays multiplied by the width of a camel's eyebrow and take away the number you first thought of - no, not that. But it's going to become so gloomily miserable to be around in Britain in the third Monday in January - as soon as you peep your head over the top of the duvet in Alarm Clock Britain you'll realise this is the day that everyone else goes rambling on about it being the most miserable day of the year.
Oh god! The day of the year when people start tedious conversations about it being the most miserable day of the year - no wonder it's so miserable. No wonder no-one wants to get out of bed. No wonder it's so awful. Newspapers full of surveys about stuff that doesn't make any sense, all dangled like a suicidal dormouse from the peg of Blue Monday. Oh no, oh no. Make it stop, make it stop. All those press releases about banishing the winter blues and seeing off Blue Monday C&V'd into place. Won't someone think of the children? Won't someone make it all go away?
And then it'll get more, and more, and more. Until every third Monday in January people keep perpetuating this whole 'worst day of the year' thing, until you run around the screaming, begging for it to end, genuinely finding yourself actually depressed by the whole thing. "Of course, apparently it's the most depressing day of the year!" someone will chirp at the coffee machine. And you'll just have to stand there and take it, because this is chit-chat, and you're going to have to buckle up and enjoy it. And then Blue Monday will be real. And how depressing is that?