It gets better
(See the last couple of paragraphs of my previous blogpost for the context). I'm adding this passage to a previous blogpost that people have searched for with terms such as 'painless suicide methods'.
Things get easier. It gets better.
I'm not trying to patronise you or tell you something you don't already know. I don't think I'm better than you, because I'm not. I know you might not want any advice, or help, or anything. I know you might feel that there isn't anyone out there, anyone who can help; that things have gone beyond the point of being helped; that things have gone wrong too often, too deeply, and that it can't ever be brought back. I don't know you, and I don't know your situation. I don't know how you arrived here or what brought you to this point. And I am not an expert, and I don't know what to say, but all I do know is that you're here now, and I hope you might continue reading. Please just give me a moment.
It gets better. It does. It can, and it will. It might not get better today, or tomorrow. But it will. It can, and it will.
Yes, it might be that it gets worse again, I won't lie. The 'getting better' bit doesn't end up soaring into the sunset, leaving every problem and trouble behind. Things don't magically disappear, never to return. Things keep coming back. Sometimes, the same mistakes keep happening. But there is time - time for things to improve, time for you to accept the things that hurt so much, time for things to change, or not seem so bad as they do right now.
I know this because I've been where you are. I've been there. I have felt something like what you feel. Not the same as you, not in the same circumstances, with the same problems, or the same worries, or the same background as you, because I would never presume to think anything like that. All I know is that I've been there, at that place in their minds that people go to when they feel like they can't carry on. I have been there, and I have felt that all was lost, that nothing would ever improve, that nothing would ever get better.
I don't know what it was that helped me to fight off those feelings. I am not a strong person. I am a weak person, a failure in so many ways, a loser, a nothing, a nobody. I'm nothing good to anyone, and I have made a million mistakes. But if I can say I managed to do anything, it would be to have fought off those times in my life when I felt that things had gone too wrong, and that I was overwhelmed by the desire to sleep, and never wake. I am not strong, but I fought.
You might feel like you can't tell anybody what you feel, that you might be judged, that you might be thought of badly. That's understandable. But once that first word leaves your lips, or you manage to write down what you feel, and tell it to someone else, you will feel relief. You may want to speak to someone you trust, or someone who doesn't know you at all. There are all kinds of places where you can go, and you don't have to confront anyone, or be judged by anyone, or be thought of differently by anyone. There are people who love you, who care about you, whose lives are changed, and improved, and made better, by the fact that you're around; and there will be many more in the future.
You're not alone. This isn't how things will always be. It might feel like that way now, but this is not forever. This is only now. It might feel that you are living in the eternal present, without being able to see the future, trapped watching the mistakes and humiliations and pain of the past repeat itself in front of your eyes in your mind. But this is not forever. This is not how things will always be. You are not doomed to live in this moment forever. There will be another hour, another day, another week. Maybe take it an hour at a time. A minute at a time. Let time pass. It goes so slowly when you want it to pass, but it passes. All things pass.
I have been there, and felt those things. I have felt like it wasn't worth continuing. I have felt it would be better if I weren't around, that the world would be a better place, that I would be better off dead; I've felt like it would be the right thing to do to just end all the pain and the misery by ending my life.
It doesn't change overnight. There are small changes at first. Take baby steps. One thing at a time. And things might go wrong, or feel desperately bad, again. This is just the first moment towards recovering from how you feel now. But it gets better. It does get better, I promise, it gets better, there is so much more. Remember laughing till you cried. Remember feeling warm, and secure, and loved. Remember the things you've done that made others feel happy, that you did just because you wanted to. Remember the good things you've done. That isn't too far away. That hasn't gone forever. The bad memories are more seductive, more inviting; it's easy to cling to them and think that is all life has been, and all it will be, but that isn't the whole picture. It gets better. It can, and it will.
I can't tell you that your life will change, or that you will change, or anything like that. All I do know is that there was a time, not so long ago, when I felt that there was no escape, no option, nothing to do but end everything. I felt that there was no alternative. I felt there was nothing else that could be done. And that was that, and I wanted it all to stop.
I didn't stop. I kept going. It's got better. It's got easier. Not easy, because it isn't easy. For some of us, life is more difficult. For some of us, everything is more difficult. That might be your situation, or it might just be what you're going through now that makes you feel the way you do. But no matter how much it hurts, the hurt lessens. It doesn't fly away, never to return, but it begins to hurt less. Every second, every minute that takes you further away from this moment is something to treasure, and enjoy. Every second and every minute you fight this feeling is a victory, a little victory, but a victory. Take it a minute at a time, then there will be one day at a time. Then there will be a month, another month, a season, a year. Things will change.
I can't offer any magic or any solution. I can't offer you anything to hold on to other than hope. There is always hope. When hope seems like it's all gone, it still remains. It never leaves, and will never leave you. Hope will never leave you. There is a glowing ember, a fire in your blood, the oxygen that burns, the fire of life. Keep it burning.
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About Me
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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December 20th, 2010 - 14:18
Thank you.
December 20th, 2010 - 14:24
Wow, an incredibly powerful piece. As someone who has fought addiction and depression for many years, this post summed me up incredibly well. I can only say that things do get better, I am now 5 years clean of drink and drugs. That in itself has been a journey that at times has scared the life out of me, but I have kept going and life is better now! I am also now into my 7th week of life without anti depressants, though for the last 6 months I have had half a tablet a week.
Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, but it does always get better.
December 20th, 2010 - 14:27
♥
Thank you.
December 20th, 2010 - 14:34
Yes. It’s true. It’s all true.
December 20th, 2010 - 14:41
You’re a fine man, Anton.
December 20th, 2010 - 14:56
You made me cry. I was there many years ago when my first husband used to beat and rape me. I used to look out of the kitchen window while washing the dishes, look at the trees and birds. I’d make myself think there were more beautiful things in life than we humans and that, as you so rightly say, it would get better. It did. We eventually divorced. The happiest day of my life to that date. Thank you, Anton, thank you. xx
December 20th, 2010 - 14:57
I’ve had my turn. I guess the old boney fella must have been down the pub that night. All those pills and booze and all it did was make me sick. Thing is, if you can’t die, you’ve got to live, so that’s what I did.
It does get better, but as Anton says, there will be more ups and downs.
The answer was really quite simple in the end. I just walked away. It was that easy. Nothing is important if it is helping to drive you over the edge.
I had to do some serious talking to get a roof over my head, but I was away from all the misery and I never felt better. All you really need in the world is a teddy bear as it turns out. Or possibly a monkey
A change is as good as a rest, they say, and I’d say it’s better than being laid to rest. Of course, old hoodie boy and his scythe will get me in the end, but until then, there’s some living to be done.
You do some, too.
December 20th, 2010 - 15:20
*like*
sorry, struggling with the words. x
December 20th, 2010 - 15:30
Years ago, I worked with a psychiatrist called Michael Hill. You’re advice is the one piece of advice he always gave to his patients, every time. Last time I saw him was an Adrian Mitchell gig. A brilliant guy.
December 20th, 2010 - 15:33
Wow. Just, wow.
Thank you, Anton.
December 20th, 2010 - 15:39
That has made me cry. Thank you.
December 20th, 2010 - 16:18
An utterly remarkable post – should be on the front page of every single blog over Christmas – a time when people can feel more alone than any other.
December 20th, 2010 - 16:53
I have been incredibly lucky in my life as I’ve never had any suicidal thoughts. I think I understand those thoughts better after reading this and you made me cry.
Thanks
December 20th, 2010 - 16:56
Powerful, just powerful.
The real challenge is persuading the one who thinks it’s not worth going on that it actually is worth going on and that it is the going on that makes it worthwhile (I hope that makes sense).
I’m thankful that I’ve never been in that place, but I know plenty who have and some who have even taken the wrong step. Anyone in that poisiton ought to read what you’ve written.
There is a community out here that values you.
December 20th, 2010 - 19:03
Well done fella.
December 20th, 2010 - 19:15
I read this because I follow you on twitter, and then one of my friends gave me the link because I was telling the world the only cure for my pain is death. I still believe that, deep down, but various people have convinced me I need to try some other approaches first.
December 20th, 2010 - 22:04
Oh, yes, you must. It can be almost unbearable to keep going through some circumstances, but life has an innate will to endure. It can make some times seem grindingly awful, but time passes. If you keep that spark alive, however painfully or fitfully, it means there remains that splendid opportunity for things to get better, and – genuinely – get better than you can believe when you’re down there in the pit.
I’m wording this piss-poorly, but having been in that pit most horribly many times I know what it is to come out the other side, and it’s hair-raising to think, looking at my life now, what I could have denied myself by succumbing to the blackest moments.
December 21st, 2010 - 02:22
I hope those other approaches work for you. Good luck…
December 20th, 2010 - 20:58
Thanks for this! Really glad you did something
I think you’re much stronger than you let on, and a wonderful person 
If there’s anything you wanna do, like a campaign or something as was mentioned by Anna, then I’m more than happy to help. I’ve never been in this situation personally but I know friends and loved ones who have struggled a lot and it makes me so happy, the chance that something like this might help them.
December 20th, 2010 - 23:08
I found this blog searching through the top political blogs on some random chart about 12 months ago. Quite liked the name, nothing more.
What I’ve discovered is one of the sharpest, most considered media analysts, sometimes ranty, sometimes brilliant, sometimes funny, sometimes wrong (A distinct lack of credit for the Spanish World Cup victory or obsession with ironing boards) sometimes upsetting but usually spot on writing. I’m sure the vast majority of people reading it at one point or another have gone “bloody hell, yes, of course, the fucking cunts, thanks for that Orange Monkey” and looked forward to the next bit.
But the writing that always stands out is when you write about depression and mental health. Thank you.
December 20th, 2010 - 23:59
Important, powerful post. So glad you exist, Anton.
December 21st, 2010 - 00:28
Fantastic post.
I’ve had seriously rough periods in my life myself, times when I’ve lost literally everything and I’ve struggled hard with depression, but I’m lucky enough to never have felt genuinely suicidal. I can totally understand how people do though.
I think one major reason I never truly considered ending everything is that I always managed to cling onto the belief that things could and would get better, sooner or later (something which always bore itself out in the end). I don’t like to imagine how things could have turned out if I had lost sight of that, but I’m grateful to you for speaking out to people who don’t see it. Seriously guys, it IS worth carrying on, however much it might seem otherwise.
December 21st, 2010 - 01:25
Thank you
December 21st, 2010 - 09:19
For what it’s worth… reading your blog always brightens my day up. Thanks for doing what you’re doing.
December 21st, 2010 - 09:51
Thank you for this.
I’m someone who’s searched in the past for painless suicide methods, although I never found my way here. I’ve not done it for a while, although I still have thoughts from time to time, days when every passing train seems like an invitation to fall before it and let go of everything.
Anyway, I have a support network – friends I can talk to, texts they’ve sent me that I’ve saved. Some people on it don’t realise that they are on it – they just know that from time to time I’ll phone them and that I might sound a bit odd, not quite myself. Anyway, I’ve got this post bookmarked now for future reference, in case I need it. Thank you for that.
December 21st, 2010 - 10:48
Thank you so much for this, I was feeling so low this morning, not suicidal, not anymore but pretty damned hopeless and this has helped me to realise how far I have come.
It also helped me to have a good cry, which is always cathartic.
Wonderful post. x
December 21st, 2010 - 11:20
OK, I take back any assertions I may ever have made about how blogging is pointless wank. That was profoundly worthwhile.
Blogging is mostly pointless wank. Every now and then there’s a gem.
December 21st, 2010 - 12:06
Well done Anton. I know exactly what you mean about thinking it will never end and just wishing for an end to all the pain. If your readers can take just one thing away: that it won’t always be like this, then I think you may just have saved some lives. xx
December 21st, 2010 - 12:25
Thank you for this, Anton – a very touching post, and I hope the poor folk you mentioned who search for painless suicide methods come across this.
December 21st, 2010 - 14:11
I found your blog after enjoying some of your humour on twitter. This is an extraordinary piece or writing. Extraordinary. Thank you. Merry Xmas.
December 21st, 2010 - 14:32
Good work. In fact, I’ll say it again:
Good. Work.
December 21st, 2010 - 19:08
Really written and touching piece. Agree with everything – been very low but talked to people it helps. try the samaritans
December 22nd, 2010 - 00:48
Absolutely wonderful, lovely and touching piece. I will be bookmarking this.
December 23rd, 2010 - 10:52
I don’t know if this might also be of use.
December 27th, 2010 - 21:13
Excellent, and absolutely right.
I consider myself ‘better’ now, but remember how things like this helped me when I wasn’t. Thankyou for strengthening that.
January 8th, 2011 - 09:44
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
October 2nd, 2011 - 21:23
Thank you.
October 28th, 2011 - 19:17
I am in hell at the moment and can’t see a way out.
This might make me look a bit harder.
Thank you.
November 9th, 2011 - 17:00
Just remembered this piece and I was glad I could find it again. Not a good day today, but I’ve read it and printed it off to put it up on my wall at work. I can’t say enough good things about this particular bit of writing (although I do enjoy your other posts – and the book of course!). Words like this should be turned into a leaflet and posted through everyone’s doors – perhaps the world wouldn’t seem as bad if we held on to the hope that things do get better. Thanks again.
December 12th, 2011 - 07:06
hope youre doing well. god bless!
February 28th, 2013 - 14:06
Steven…you’re a great writer…this really changed my perspective of life and of how I can change it for the better…God bless you!!!