Here we go again, then. Some flakes of a white substance, believed to be snow, are going to fall somewhere important over the coming hours. Sure, they've been over poor, unimportant places like Scotland, or those towns and cities in the North that smell of chip fat and aren't London; but come on, now it's real snow - it's heading for the home counties again. Scream!
So, in the spirit of trying to lift the nation's gloom at a time when it's all cold and that, a quick game of Apocalypse Snow Bullshit Bingo might be in order. You might want to liven this up by taking a drink every time you see one of the following - although I should warn you that you might well be comatose by Sunday teatime.
- Front page of car stuck in the snow
- Reporter standing somewhere snowy, with snow falling in the background, telling TV news viewers that it's snowing
- Some poor bastard trying to get his car up a snowy hill and failing, all the time being filmed by news crew, having a meltdown at the wheel, letting out a primal scream of OH WHY GOD WHY AND NOW THE FUCKING BBC ARE FILMING ME FAILING AT THIS, LIKE I'VE FAILED AT EVERYTHING IN LIFE, THIS IS MY WHOLE LIFE SUMMED UP, FAILING TO GET UP A SNOWY HILL, EVEN THOUGH I'VE GOT A BMW, WHAT KIND OF MAN AM I, IT'S NO WONDER SHE LEFT ME.
- SNOW CHAOS
- Bread / milk / gas / everything is running out. Panic! PANIC! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
- "Bookies slash odds on a White Christmas"
- Some columnist grumbling about kids being told to stay at home and not go in to school, wrongly blaming elf'n'safety or possibly political correctness, wurrrrgh we had to walk through the snow, never got let off school in my day...
- THOUSANDS WILL DIE
- ASYLUM SEEKERS STEALING OUR SNOW BECAUSE OF SO-CALLED 'HUMAN RIGHTS'
- Someone blaming Gordon Brown for it, despite him not having been Prime Minister for several months
- Oh look, a snowman. Mrs Arthur Cunt of Melton Mowbray has sent us in this lovely picture of a snowman in her garden. Have you got a photo of something entirely ordinary and expected? Why not send it in? We've got literally hours to fill here. Literally hours.