Apocalypse Snow Bullshit Bingo!
Here we go again, then. Some flakes of a white substance, believed to be snow, are going to fall somewhere important over the coming hours. Sure, they've been over poor, unimportant places like Scotland, or those towns and cities in the North that smell of chip fat and aren't London; but come on, now it's real snow - it's heading for the home counties again. Scream!
So, in the spirit of trying to lift the nation's gloom at a time when it's all cold and that, a quick game of Apocalypse Snow Bullshit Bingo might be in order. You might want to liven this up by taking a drink every time you see one of the following - although I should warn you that you might well be comatose by Sunday teatime.
- Front page of car stuck in the snow
- Reporter standing somewhere snowy, with snow falling in the background, telling TV news viewers that it's snowing
- Some poor bastard trying to get his car up a snowy hill and failing, all the time being filmed by news crew, having a meltdown at the wheel, letting out a primal scream of OH WHY GOD WHY AND NOW THE FUCKING BBC ARE FILMING ME FAILING AT THIS, LIKE I'VE FAILED AT EVERYTHING IN LIFE, THIS IS MY WHOLE LIFE SUMMED UP, FAILING TO GET UP A SNOWY HILL, EVEN THOUGH I'VE GOT A BMW, WHAT KIND OF MAN AM I, IT'S NO WONDER SHE LEFT ME.
- SNOW CHAOS
- Bread / milk / gas / everything is running out. Panic! PANIC! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
- "Bookies slash odds on a White Christmas"
- Some columnist grumbling about kids being told to stay at home and not go in to school, wrongly blaming elf'n'safety or possibly political correctness, wurrrrgh we had to walk through the snow, never got let off school in my day...
- THOUSANDS WILL DIE
- ASYLUM SEEKERS STEALING OUR SNOW BECAUSE OF SO-CALLED 'HUMAN RIGHTS'
- Someone blaming Gordon Brown for it, despite him not having been Prime Minister for several months
- Oh look, a snowman. Mrs Arthur Cunt of Melton Mowbray has sent us in this lovely picture of a snowman in her garden. Have you got a photo of something entirely ordinary and expected? Why not send it in? We've got literally hours to fill here. Literally hours.
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December 17th, 2010 - 10:08
Ah, this gave me a good laugh. Nice one.
December 17th, 2010 - 10:13
Yeah it’s annoying but too be fair we do make a big cock up of dealing with bad winter weather.
The xenophobic tabloids will never say it but it’s true that other countries deal with it so much better than we do.
December 17th, 2010 - 10:27
We’ve already been treated to a reporter standing in a snowy field outside Belfast, claiming “blizzard conditions” when we can quite easily see the snowy hills beyond. Last time, someone claimed the roads were empty, while standing by a pretty well free-flowing road with cars and shit on it.
There’s just a total lack of perspective with some of the reporting these days. Everything has to be hyperbole. I refuse to watch Sky News any more, and the BBC is rapidly descending to their level. Don’t ever let them tell you it’s not about ratings: it bloody well is.
December 17th, 2010 - 11:47
Don’t forget this week’s seasonal special, ‘Post is being held up. NO XMAS PRESENTS!!’
December 17th, 2010 - 12:04
Also, have you noticed how this sort of weather is always referred to as “Arctic” or “Siberian” in the papers, like it’s some freakish unnatural invasion of our gentle native climate? This isn’t the Arctic and it’s not Siberia, this is Britain. It’s cold and there’s some snow because it’s BLOODY WINTER. Same as last year, and the year before that, and every year before that as far back as anyone can remember.
Don’t get me wrong, I do think that weather conditions that inconvenience people and affect our transport networks so severely are newsworthy and should be reported on. I just don’t think it needs to be headline news.
Hey, here’s an idea; why don’t we have a short section just after the main news where they tell us what the weather’s going to be like over the next couple of days? They could have maps and stuff showing us which parts of the country will have which kind of weather, maybe some nice computer generated animations and stuff. That would make life so much easier for people, and we wouldn’t have to go apeshit every time there’s a flutter of the white stuff.
Oh, wait…
December 17th, 2010 - 12:06
That said, it’s fucking hoofing down snow right now in London. If it carries on like this the buses might stop and I won’t be able to get to the work Christmas party. Shit.
December 17th, 2010 - 12:38
You forgot “some denialist gag questioning global warming”.
December 17th, 2010 - 15:21
Again, there’s a huge difference between the media over-egging something which is a genuine story by dint of it actually disrupting people’s lives, and elements of the media engaging in racism and other forms of mendacity. Yet both are dealt with in a tone of comparable moral outrage herein. Anyone would think you didn’t have anything more pressing to blog about…
December 17th, 2010 - 15:22
Not really, no. I’m not really outraged at all.
December 17th, 2010 - 15:27
I see. Just slightly peeved (at length)…
December 17th, 2010 - 20:29
My local chippy closed at 7pm. THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS!!
December 17th, 2010 - 22:45
I am pissed off that the High Road has not been gritted yet and I nearly fell on my arse when I started slipping. Then I saw a guy slip and fall right on his arse! He could have been badly hurt! It may not be the end of the world but it’s still a fuck up! And it’s obvious if people like me lived in middle class or rich areas the gritters would have been out before you could say THEY WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW IF WE WERE BLACK GAY LESBIAN ASYLUM SEEKERS!!!