It's that time of year again, that 'want to get pissed but have to bloody well write something about something, hang on, a list will take five minutes, let's do some of that shit, fill a bit of space' glorious period between late December and early January when we take time to reflect on the year gone by and look ahead at the year to come. So here I present the top 10 Christmas/New Year lists of things that we'll see over the coming few days, weeks, months and, who knows, years.
1. Top 10 albums of the year you've never heard of
Popular music that you've heard of? People you might have seen? Pah. No, mere mortal, this is a list of 10 albums that will make you feel like you're a tragic inadequate who can't hang around with the cool kids. Yes, I've been listening to the real stuff this year, and you haven't. You've been listening to Ellie Goulding, who sounds like she's from Sweden and is only just getting to grips with the pronunciation, even though she's from Hertfordshire or something. You've been listening to the XX and getting faintly depressed. I've been listening to the proper music.
2. Top 10 celebrity Iceland adverts starring former Neighbours actors who were also in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here but didn't end up smoking crack and all of that, at least I think he didn't, did he? Subs please check.
A tough call, this one, but Jason Donovan comes in at number 2, followed by Bouncer, Ricky Ponting, Scott, Charlene, Angry Anderson, Mrs Mangel, that one who never really had a storyline, and Jason Donovan. Well done, Jason. Oh, the winner was me, voted for by the authors of the Enemies of Reason blog, I'm delighted to be unashamed in declaring myself the winner. Sure, I never really did a very good celebrity Iceland advert, but the judges decided I deserved the prize - and who am I to argue?
3. Top 10 men, sorry, people of 2010
Julian Assange, someone else, der der der der der, ummm, must be able to think of someone, ooh put a woman in otherwise we'll get in trouble, erm, Julian Assange, someone foreign-looking who did something worthy or something, erm, Julian Assange, yes, that'll do. Good.
4. The 10 best films of 2010
Now, I did see Inception, and that was quite good. Does that mean it should go on the list or not? Should I try and be counterintuitive by not putting it in, or should I put it in? Did I see any other films? What ones are you meant to like? Christ, I didn't see anything. I mean, I don't get out that much nowadays. Did Herzog do one? That'll sound good if I put that in. Oh, and Sex and the City 2. People liked that. Didn't they?
5. The 10 best TV moments of 2010
Del Boy falling through the bar! Funniest thing ever. Oh, 2010. Erm, oh, Corrie tram crash. Yes! Best television ever. What happened? Didn't see it, but yes, amazing, heartrending, isn't it, they filmed it live, yes, 50th anniversary, nation's favourite and all that. Big Brother. Davina shouting at things. Del Boy falling through the bar. That bit on Strictly where Brucie got his lines right. Ann Widdecombe flying. Wagner. Simon Cowell looking slightly surprised. Susan Boyle. Oh, that was last year, shit. Who won it this time? Oh, anything.
6. Top 10 sporting moments
That bit where the big team came up against the other big team and one of them won, and then everyone went yay, and that was it. England winning something at something. Oh. Cricket? Does anyone like cricket? Someone on a horse. Someone running. Do it all in slow motion with some music in the background, it'll be great.
7. Top 10 books of 2010
Again, I'm swimming in the dark a bit on this one. Just some people I've heard of. Him, him, him and him. Him that wrote about the funny stuff, him who wrote about the sad stuff. Umm, everyone except Howard Jacobson, who wrote some pisspoor cobblers. That much I do know.
8. Top 10 times when a list of things starts to flag 2010
You know, that bit where you're reaching the end but you've kind of run out of steam. Dom Joly being hit in the eye with a stone when Stacey Solomon threw it at him! Yes, that was good. I enjoyed that. Gillian McKeith fainting. Oh bum, wrong category. Still, them.
9. Top 10 political moments of 2010
David Cameron strolling down Downing Street. Nick Clegg in the debates, remember that? When people liked him and he wasn't a Tory? Those were the days. Gordon Brown being all rubbish. Ah, it was easier then, those were the days. Oh, and some other people. Something about Wikileaks and riots and all of that. Picture of Sarah Palin.
10. Top 10 events of 2010
Take That getting back together, who can forget? Never Forget. Eh? Hehe. Oh, er, the Royal Wedding announcement! Oh, how we loved it all. And the general election, that was good wasn't it? Someone famous dying. That always happens, very sad, especially if it's a comedian. Silent montage. Some football team winning something! Someone else losing something. Ooh, ooh, weather! Yes, it snowed and it was cold and that. And then there was mild weather, some rain, a few scattered showers, sunny intervals, and the leaves fell off, and it snowed again. Yes, all of that. And then I wrote this list of lists and I went to the pub, and then I had a nice glass of beer.