Xmas recipe time: “Hidden £398″ pudding
For this recipe you will need
- 1 Tesco Value / Asda Basics Christmas pudding
- 1 orange / satsuma / clementine
- a cardboard box
- a pinch of brio / chutzpah
Method
1. Pay for the cheapo Christmas pudding down your local supermarket, avoiding the queues of horrible people trying to crack your ankles in half with trolley wheels / passive-aggressively tutting if you linger for more than 0.5 secs at any point / strangling you to get the last turkey crown.
2. Buy an orange. Orange ones are best. You may also use a clementine or satsuma or similar object. Basically, a fucking citrus fruit.
3. Return home. Open the Christmas pudding up. Stuff the fucking orange in it.
4. Put the Christmas pudding in the cardboard box.
5. Take a marker pen and write "Ooh, it's Heston's secret lovely Christmas pudding that I saw in a fucking colour supplement, ooh we've got to have one, otherwise we're worse than child abusers".
6. Flog it on ebay to some deluded posh twat for £400 who needs to fill the aching void in their lives that should be full of love and happiness, which they think will be achieved by buying some piece-of-shit ponced-up plum duff from cunting Waitrose.
7. Spend your £398 profit on alcohol.
8. Drink self to death, crying salt tears for the future of humanity over the whole "people spending hundreds of pounds on a fucking Christmas pudding that's got a fucking orange in it during a fucking recession" business.
9. Merry Christmas!
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December 16th, 2010 - 08:58
Yep, that’s pretty much what I was thinking.
My version had more swearing and less coherence, mind, so I applaud you for that
December 16th, 2010 - 12:33
But wait! In a recession we need people spending money. That’s what gets us out of the recession – people spending money to employ other people who buy more things.
Even if one of those things is a christmas pudding with a fucking orange in it.
December 17th, 2010 - 16:13
Frankly I’m disappointed in Waitrose. As a rule, I like and respect them for their high standards and better ethical record than the cheaper supermarkets, though I can’t afford to shop there often. That liking and respect are a little bit diminished by them selling this thing.