Snow chaos death freeze panic porn
Believe it or not, it has snowed a few times before on these islands. People got a bit cold. Kids had snowball fights. Many wore mittens. Generally, it wasn't the end of the world.
Our newspapers forget it every time. They're like the excitable pooch in the Larson cartoon who says "Oh boy! It's dog food again!". But instead of being delighted, they're panicked. Snow! The white death! Run for the hills! Panic! Buy lots of bread! Panic! Run! Kick pensioners out of the way! Panic! OUR GRIT IS RUNNING OUT. Some people might not be able to get to work! Some trains might go more slowly! Children might have A DAY OFF SCHOOL and go out and HAVE FUN and do some TOBOGGANING or make a SNOWMAN or something. The world may very well stop turning.
That reminds me of something. What could it be? Ah yes.
There we are, the February 2009 vintage, taken from the 'SNOW JOKE' Daily Star front-page template there. I imagine you can just drag and drop the snowflake blobs on, and the WORSE TO COME panicky bits. Two dead in KILLER FREEZE. Killer freeze. Two out of sixty-odd million dead. AND IT'S GETTING WORSE! I'm not sure if it's getting this much worse, predicted in February this year by the Sunday Express
but WORSE. It's getting WORSE. Things are getting WORSE because it's still COLD outside and there will be SNOW and other such wintry things. Then SLUSH AND FROST but forget them, SNOW. And where are the gritters? Where are they? Where?
Where are they? Where were they? Why aren't they out on every single road all the time all over the place gritting everything every single second of every minute of every day? Where are they? It's not as if this is the kind of question that gets asked every time there's a bit of cold weather, is it? (Oh.) Where are the gritters? Why can't gritters be out all the time, gritting everything? Cover the roads with grit, forever! Make roads out of grit! Make tyres out of grit! Grit it all! Grit! Where's the grit? Where are the gritters? (Of course, in a couple of weeks' time we'll be rubbing our hands with glee at the prospect of public sector spending cuts, but won't put two and two together. Grit is good, but people to drive the gritters? Make them redundant!)
Snow is, I assure you, not a new thing. And this is not the end of the world, no matter how much the papers might want to stoke a little panic in our tiny brains.
Scream! There's someone buying a loaf of bread! We're running out of bread! We're running out of grit! We're running out of bread, and grit! No grit sandwiches for us! Help! Send grit! Where's the red cross with a grit parcel? We need bread, and grit, otherwise we'll start running out, and we'll all start cracking each other's heads open and feasting on their jelly-like brains! Quickly!
Do you know, I think we might be all right. I know, a lot of people will slip over and hurt themselves, and that's obviously not a good thing; and others will get stuck, and that's awful for them too. But I reckon there might just be some slightly more important things in the world, and in this country, than what's coming down from the sky. Aren't there...? No...? Oh, ok. Snow panic it is. SNOW PANIC! Panic! Chaos! Aaaargh! Where were the gritters? Help! HELP!
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December 2nd, 2010 - 10:55
I slipped over and bruised my leg coming home last night. I am outraged that this incident has not been reported in the tabloid press.
December 2nd, 2010 - 10:58
If we converted all the roads to gravel, we wouldn’t need to grit them in the snow. You’d also get the satisfying feeling of driving on gravel all the time.
There are downsides to this strategy, but I think it’s worth a go. I’m not sure if kerbstones made of bread would work, though.
December 2nd, 2010 - 11:03
Well said. I live in Scotland, and it always seems like when the snow hits London the papers and news go snow mental, even though everyone else has been trudging around in it for ages. It goes from “Disruption” to “PANIC! DEATH! CHAOS!” overnight. It is a bit tiresome.
Yes it MAY be a nasty winter, but seriously, everyone needs to cool the beans a bit.
December 3rd, 2010 - 13:39
I live in That Londonton and my bit of it has had about one poxy inch. People five miles away are resorting to cannibalism while I have to get up and go to work. In Harlow, where there’s also been about one poxy inch. The most exciting thing that’s happened to me in this particular snopocalypse has been having to kick the front door to open it yesterday morning.
Bah!
December 2nd, 2010 - 11:03
Oh it’s just terrrrrrrible! They arn’t gritting the roads but I bet they would if WE WERE BLACK GAY LESBIAN ASYLUM SEEKING MUSLIMS!!!!
December 2nd, 2010 - 12:03
Well, I for one am celebrating the fact that school’s closed and I can spend some time in the snow with MY kids for a change. We’ve got a loaf in the fridge, not planning on driving anywhere and the central heating up full (environment be damned!).
It’s really rather pleasant.
December 2nd, 2010 - 13:56
This comment is in no way insightful or intelligent. I just wish to point out that this made me laugh so hard I went into a coughing fit and almost fell off my chair. You bastard.
On the other hand it made me realise that this probably is a chest infection and I should fork out €50 and go to the doctor. (*shakes an envious fist at you lucky gits in NHSland*)
December 2nd, 2010 - 13:58
Meh. I nipped out to Tesco earlier and sure they had gaps on their shelves but still had at least 70% of their usual bread stock. I can only assume I got in before all the tabloid readers panic-buying everything they could get, even those crappy crusty rolls that nobody likes…
December 2nd, 2010 - 14:22
That Mirror frontpage is proper face-palm stuff. The headline, on the website at least, is Shoppers urged not to panic buy in snow amid fears supermarkets could run out of supplies by Sunday. And how best to emphasise the message not to panic-buy? Why, with a photo of the last loaf of bread being snatched away, of course!
(By the way, does anyone else picture a Mirror photographer standing in Morrisons with a trolley-full of Kingsmill, pestering shoppers to take the last loaf so he could get his photo and go home?
“‘scuse me, could you take that loaf please?”
“But I don’t want it, I’m looking for the crumpets”
“Just take it, please”
“Fuck off”
“Come on! They’re about to close and I’ve still got to put all these loaves back”
“Fine. *grab* There you go.”
“I wasn’t ready! Do it again, and really snatch it this time”
December 2nd, 2010 - 16:11
I love the “Food runs out in 4 days” bit of the Mirror front page. I look forward to their humble “We still have some food” headline in 5 days.
December 2nd, 2010 - 17:21
*applause*
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I take my hat off to you, sir (but not for long, my head’ll get cold!)
December 2nd, 2010 - 18:04
Once again we see how the tabs work – take an isolated incident and pretend it’s happening everywhere. Just as “3 sad berks protest against whatever” becomes “Muslims want to eat our babies!”, “Shortage of food in village in Northumberland (thanks to all the journos reporting on latest snow news from the village eating it all)” becomes “OMG We’re all gonna starve!”.
December 2nd, 2010 - 18:43
I bet all the panic buyers drive Mondeos.
December 2nd, 2010 - 18:51
…But I reckon there might just be some slightly more important things in the world, and in this country, than what’s coming down from the sky…
Is there? Much as I disdain the tabloids’ snow hysteria, it hardly compares with their performance on race, etc. I have a very difficult special needs child at home (ditto many thousands of families likewise in the UK) coz his school is closed. The nearest shops are permanently out of essentials due to lazy empty-headed twats panic buying (no doubt in part motivated by reading about it in the tabloids). Is there more important news than what is making mine and many other people’s lives in Britain a bit of a fucking nightmare at the moment?
Not for some, apparently.
December 2nd, 2010 - 21:49
Why don’t we just blame the Welsh and have done with it? No-one like them anyway so it’s not as if they matter enough.
December 3rd, 2010 - 13:52
Absolutely brilliant!