Happy jolly Christmas time! Hurrah! Snow already! Joy unbounded. But wait... what's this...? Could it be...? Yes, it's it the so-called politically correct brigade and the diversity Nazis come to spoil our fun...? Aaargh! Who will stand up for traditional British Christian loveliness in the face of the Fun Police with their evil Winterval and Season's Greetings...?
Step forward, SuperPickles. With his trusty shield made out of a Quality Street tin lid and a sword of holly and mistletoe, SuperPickles will smite those nasty anti-Christianity scum! Yaaaaay!
"We should actively celebrate the Christian basis of Christmas, and not allow politically correct Grinches to marginalise Christianity and the importance of the birth of Christ.
"The War on Christmas is over, and likes of Winterval, Winter Lights and Luminous deserve to be in the dustbin of history.
SuperPickles! Fighter for truth and justice! SuperPickles! Crusader for Christianity! Putter of politically correct rubbish into the dustbin of history!
Except... you can't put things in the dustbin of history if they didn't really exist. Say it once, say it a million times, but Winterval wasn't a way of taking Christianity out of Christmas. Say it loud, say it long, say it dressed as a Christmas turkey with a giant Nativity scene stuffed up your jacksy; it doesn't matter. Faces like Pickles don't care. Just as with David Cameron's pandering to tabloid mythology over elf'n'safetygawnmad, it must've happened because, oh, something, so that's good enough! People are fighting a war on Christmas! We must stop them!
It's depressing. No-one's trying to ban Christmas, for fear of offending minorities, or anything like that. Must we go through this every single year? Oh, we must. 'Christmas is banned' is as much of a Christmas tradition as granny falling asleep in front of Where Eagles Dare after scoffing the Milk Tray, it seems. Oh well. Merry Christmas Eric Pickles, you dimwit. Goodwill to all men and all that, even if they are recycling tedious nonsense.
My fellow media blogger Kevin Arscott (of Angry Mob fame) is compiling a lengthy rebuttal to the annual Winterval drivel, so look out for that.