Hurrah for the royals!
Look, I'm as much of a Spart as the next person - if that next person is quite Sparty. But come on, let us not end up looking like po-faced maiden aunts sneering at Wallace and Gromit over a schooner of sherry by the fireside at Christmas. Even dyed-in-the-wool Robespierres should realise that they're going to look like pretty farty party poopers if they decide this whole royal wedding doo-dah is a Very Bad Thing.
I see Aaro has already done a "Ooh, who cares? Me actually, cos I'm getting lobbed a few quid for saying who cares, kerching!" article, in which he says, oh, actually who cares what he says. (Do you see?) And doubtless many others will follow. Wurgh, the evil Tories trying to resurrect the corpse of Diana with a showboating wedding to deflect the proles from the menacing bulldozer. Grrr, the bad people who have inherited money, spraying around champagne and merding on the sans-culottes while dusting sparrows out of their periwigs, de dah de dah de dah. You know it all by now. And then there will be the counterintuitive contrarian wilfully facedeskingly dumbo scribes pottering around with some kind of new angle to take on this whole shabby deeply disappointing affair, among whose number I should probably quite rightly count myself.
Come off it though. It's going to be a ruddy big party, with fizzy pop and street parties. Union flags everywhere. Brian May atop Buck House, with a bubble perm and Anita Dobson dangling off his guitar strings? We can hope. We can hope. Next year's load of old flannel could be Take That, featuring that Potteries wastrel Williams, cooing away at the happy couple. Can you imagine that? It could be worse; it could be a lot worse.
No. I may have no delight in the lives of these royals. I am going to lose the will to live when I hear about how many billion sequins go into the dress, ooh isn't she lovely, ooh isn't she nice? I may want to go and slap those who camp out on the Mall from next Wednesday onwards, in some kind of Wimbledon-style middle-class wankery. But so what? They're having a lovely time, and so should we. and yes these dreadful inbred no-marks shouldn't have a great big piss-up subsidised by the poor hardworking taxpayer (tm) at a time when we're all being shunted into the Soylent Green factory. But still. Eh, it's a laugh, isn't it? It's a bit of fun. You know, fun.
Sure, it's going to drive us all mad, but that's that. Let's enjoy it. Let's luxuriate in the forthcoming tackfest; let's pretend it's actually relevant that real people, on real news channels, are giving a shit about these bloody people. Let's get in step by the adoring masses. If we don't, we run the risk of looking like right old grumpy so-and-sos. And who wants that? I don't. Hurrah for the royals, and the royal wedding! I'll be down the pub getting wrecked, but that's beside the point. It's going to be a lovely day. A lovely day indeed.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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November 17th, 2010 - 18:47
I hate to be *that* guy (girl, actually) but this is exactly how I feel about the whole shebang.
Let’s all stop being total cuntsonpurpose, yeah? Let’s all remember how having a laugh felt, yeah? Let’s all stop trying SO HARD to be so fucking Brooker it hurts? Yeah?
It’s all very well and good saying fuck the system at everything that happens ever, but it really makes your life a lot less lighthearted. Hurray for bunting-lined cul-de-sacs and rosy-cheeked news reports about how great the whole thing is. God knows we need a bt of a distraction – and being a girl, I find the idea of a royal wedding so infuriatingly wonderful it’s making me watch Pride and Prejudice whilst wearing dresses.
November 17th, 2010 - 18:59
You English really love the forelock tugging don’t you? It’s bizarre.
November 18th, 2010 - 10:28
Um, no.
November 18th, 2010 - 13:58
You foreigners don’t know when it’s best to doff your cap in respect of the upper classes do you? That’s why we are substantially better than whatever country you are from. Probably one with no proper history. I don’t care which.
(I don’t actually believe what I said above there, but it felt good saying it)
November 17th, 2010 - 20:21
Sorry Anton, but that sounds like a horrible idea, so I’ll just carry on not liking it I’m afraid. Don’t get me wrong, you’re free to wear your bowler hat all you like, but it I can’t say I find the idea at all attractive…
The only people I put up with about stuff like this is my grandparents, and that’s only ‘cos they’re so old I can pretend I’m receiving old Home Service transmissions that bounced off Neptune 30 years ago.
Please don’t worry about me though, we made our own entertainment when I were a bairn and I don’t expect my life to be more than 30% less full of joy than usual.
November 17th, 2010 - 20:28
On the day that William’s parents got married, I woke up, switched on the radio and heard Richard Burton tell Radio 4 listeners what the time was in Buenos Aires. I turned off the radio and messed around in the flat until opening time. I went out, walked past 2 bars that I normally go to and entered an Irish pub. No live TV, just good beer and a few jokes with people who I normally see in the bars that I avoided that day.
I wonder who the BBC will get to tell us the time in Argentina next year?
November 17th, 2010 - 21:06
I expect I will be forced into going along with this at work, though I reserve the right to be somewhat curmudgeonly about it in private…
Like all enforced fun I probably WILL enjoy it in the end, it’s just not the sort of thing I would choose to celebrate. There’s no harm in being pushed into having fun every now and then so I’m inclined to agree with you Mr. Vowl for the sake of an easy life…
November 17th, 2010 - 21:56
I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I despise monarchy, and I have to take it seriously, even though it’s ridiculous and absurd and will probably spoil my good mood. It’s the same as when I see military parades. People say “oh, let them have some fun!” but I know too well what all of this stands for and what has been done in its name. Even though this is just two irrelevant people doing irrelevant stuff, and even though I’ll look like an out-of-step grumpy self-serious leftist wanker, I’d rather be all that than somehow pretend I think it’s OK.
Now get me my guillotine and a copy of Beheadings Today.
November 18th, 2010 - 00:42
No.
Why are you trying to appear ‘nice’. There is nothing ‘nice’ about the royal family, or their cheerleaders in the Mail.
I’m concerned that you seem to fear creating a ‘scene’ (as in your previous post).
What would it take to convince you that the world is a really horrible, messed up place? The royals are the definition of negativity.
What are your politics exactly? Did you vote Lib Dem?
Or is this the politics of ‘irony’? The politics of ‘the sneer’?
November 18th, 2010 - 04:45
Oh, Is it April 1st already?
November 18th, 2010 - 06:32
There’s a scene in Mike Leigh’s High Hopes where Cyril’s mum tells him it’s about time he tidied himself up and wore a suit. “I’ll put on a suit when they machine gun the royal family,” replies Marxist Cyril to his Tory mum.
I’m with Cyril on this one.
November 18th, 2010 - 10:04
I wouldn’t mind if all the so-called *fun* lasted a day, or even a few weeks, like the World Cup or something similar. But we’ve got months of the fucking stuff coming up, and already the media are desperately thrashing around for stuff to say, pushing the notion of “relevance” into previously uncharted backwaters. Already I’ve read an article on the BBC site by a journalist called Kate about why Kate is a really good name for a princess.
By January the Financial Times will entirely be given over to discussing what shape she’ll wax her pubes into for the wedding night.
November 18th, 2010 - 10:26
The thing you have to do, though, is avoid all television news and newspapers, then you’ll be fine.
November 18th, 2010 - 16:43
erm, that’s a guide for “life”, not just for this wedding :/
November 18th, 2010 - 10:11
Mate, if it looks like a duck’s cloaca, smells like a duck’s cloaca and produces voluminous quantities of duckshit whilst also being a conduit for the exchange of Anatidaean reproductive fluids then may I suggest that it genuinely is a duck’s cloaca? I feel no shame whatsoever in calling the entire cast of this jingoistic wankfest of a distraction from far more important and issues exactly what they are: duck’s cloacas.
That scans awfully but I feel I’ve made my point. I mean, really, from Cameron et al’s persepctive, the timing is just beautiful. That’s not an insinuation of conspiracy, BTW; me being an ardent proponent of O’Hanlon’s Razor. I just think its an epic, epic example of shit happening. Duck shit, to be precise.
November 18th, 2010 - 11:14
My mates getting married next year. Do you care? No? He’s a good lad. She’s a commoner. Do you care? No? She’s a good girl. Thing is, they’re paying for it themselves. That’s the only issue. Good luck to Wills and Kate, but pay for it please. To me, they’re no more relevant or important than my mate, or any other of the thousands of weddings going on all over the country.
Other than that. I’m with Punkscience on this one. Ducking smelly cloaca.
Now, if they agreed this was to be the last time it ever happens. Or the last time we pay for it. And we can have a lovely republic by 2050; I’ll be partying in the streets…
November 18th, 2010 - 12:24
YOU MUST HATE YOUR COUNTRY.
November 18th, 2010 - 20:27
No, I love it. That’s why I hate the monarchy.
November 18th, 2010 - 10:40
Two people are getting married, good for them.
Unfortunately this means the most amazing cavalcade of shite is going to spew from every media orifice for the next year or so. Come the month before the wedding and it’s going to be wall to wall. Naturally, like any media-minded government they’re going to use all this to bury bad news. They already sneakily announced that they’d scrapped a foundation for supporting poorer students a few hours after the announcement and it is only going to get worse.
But no, ooh there’s going to bunting and teacakes! That old bulldog spirit! Street parties! Commemorative mugs.
FUCK OFF.
November 18th, 2010 - 12:23
Haha!
November 18th, 2010 - 10:43
Quite. As someone who doesn’t read the papers all I’ve read is one BBC online news article, so frankly I haven’t had this so-called deluge of royal whatevery that people are going on about.
I have no beef with the royals. So what if they were born into money and privilege? I’m old enough to know that that doesn’t bring you happiness and the happiest and most content people in the world are happy despite money, whether they have it or not. Base jealousy is a disgusting trait.
Funnily I had a German client on the phone yesterday and he was going on about “Oh you English are so funny, going krazy over ze marriage of ze Royals!” and I was thinking, hmm, haven’t seen any evidence of it really. From what I can tell the people getting the most out of this are the Americans.
If someone wants to get married and there’s an excuse for a big fucking party I’m all for it!
November 18th, 2010 - 10:57
The only good thing I find about this whole debacle is the LULZ I am receiving from hearing people mocking it. So, thats something I suppose. If I don’t laugh I might actually just lose my mind.
November 18th, 2010 - 15:53
I dunno unless it’s a free party I can’t get excited. Do you remember the Silver Jubilee I think there were state subsidized street parties back then although my memory is not that great as I was five then. Wills and Kate …bah…what a pair of bores. Bring back the princess of pork and her bingo wings say I?
November 18th, 2010 - 17:19
As someone who puts abolishing the monarchy pretty much at the top of my list of political demands, I intend to be very negative about the whole thing.
November 18th, 2010 - 17:44
I’m not sure about the rest of you but if I don’t want to read about the wedding then I don’t read about the wedding. So far all I know is they’re getting married in Spring or Summer next year because I choose to avoid articles that don’t interest me. Am I the only one with free will?
Think of the plus though, these stories could be replacing some tabloid inches which would otherwise be devoted to X-Factor or I Was Famous For A Bit Years Ago Get Me On TV.
November 18th, 2010 - 19:10
Any bets on when the first person will be thrown off/under a bus because they were wearing a royal wedding T shirt?
November 19th, 2010 - 13:55
I hope it rains.
November 19th, 2010 - 15:52
Kate Middleton is an anagram of “naked tit model”.
Just sayin’
November 19th, 2010 - 15:55
Things that will happen during the week of the wedding…
1.The Daily Mail sending one of their hacks on the look out for any negative colloums about the wedding in The Guardian which said hack will denounce as the ramblings of a “lefty liberal PC killjoy”.
2.Some “alternative” comedian making a tasteless but incredibly funny joke about Kate Middleton on a certain comedy panel show. There are no complaints but when the joke is splashed all over the pages of the Daily Mail thousands of disgusted and offended viewers ring in to Aunty to vent their spleens. A Tory MP and someone from Mediawatch-UK are wheeled out to voice their disgust despite not actually seeing the programme on which the joke was made, Leo McKinstry pens a rant about how such a disgusting joke about precious Kate proves that the BBC are run by a bunch of marxist, liberal, socialist Monarchy baiting British hating annarchists and how they make think it’s ok to make fun out of someone from the Royal Family but they wouldn’t dareeeeeeeeee make jokes about blacks, gays, Muslims one legged lesbians blah blah blah!!!
3.A Premier League footballer marries his long time love at the same time. It is full of the excess of the Royal wedding and it is denounced by the tabloids as being “obscene”, “vulgar” and an example of common oiks who earn too much money not knowing their place.
4.Ben Elton (who spent years baiting the rich but now is firmly in with Royals, he’s best mates with Charles dunt yer know?) presents the post wedding concert, feauting acts such as N-Dubz. The Daily Mail will get a snap of N-Dubz singer Tulisa Constovolous’ knickers being a bit loose and will crow about how disgusting it is to disguise the fact they are just trying to get a sleezy shot of her bum cheek.
5.The left-wing poet Benjamin Zephania will reiterate his views from a few years ago that the Monarchy represent the British empire and the slave trade. Mad Mel Phillips will decry foriegners who “don’t know how fortunate they are to live here” and Richard Littlejohn will say…alogether now……..