I’ve finally worked out why I don’t like the X-Factor
I know, it's hardly controversial or counterintuitive to think that the X-Factor is bad. But something has been nagging away at me for a while. I find bits of the X-Factor all right - watchable, even - but others make me want to pour bleach in my eyes and whack my teeth out with a toffee hammer while rocking back and forth. Why should that be?
I think I've finally worked it out, though, and I present them here in list form.
Louis Walsh shouting over whooping and applause. I hate this. I hate this more than anything, ever. CHER! CHER! CHER! CHER! CHER! CHER, YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING... CHER... YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING... CHER... Shut up! Shut up! Wait for them to finish, or someone tell them to be quiet, or something.
Simon Cowell's wink. What's he winking for? Some kind of shared joke between him and us? Is it something like "These teeth cost more than your fucking car, and I know it, and you know it, and yet for some unfathomable reason, I'm popular and you're a nobody"? Is it that?
Cheryl Cole's 'serious/thinking' face. Hmm, I am thinking about what I am hearing... hmm, I am serious and thinking about this. Hmm. Yes, I am not just a pop star, I am a role model for CONFIDENT WOMEN EVERYWHERE. Hmm... I am listening to this song and thinking about my comments afterwards, yes... and I might sort of get a bit choked up about it or something... yes. What Joey from Friends would call "Smell the fart acting".
The fact that I'm meant to know whose these bloody people are. That their faces are splashed over all those horrible garish dentist's waiting room magazines all week. Ooh, Katie did something. Ooh, Cher did something. Ooh, the creepy-faced one who looks like a boring Perez Hilton did something. I daresay they all bloody did something. I imagine they went to the toilet, and had lunch somewhere, and did lots of other stuff. What is this bloody need for a backstory and a soap opera?
They can't, when all is said and done, sing very well. Yet I get told afterwards, by people who apparently know these things, that their vocals were 'amazing' and 'incredible'. No they weren't, I've got ears, I can tell. They're mediocre singers doing something reasonably well - you can admire the composure under pressure, the sudden rise to fame and all that, but amazing? Incredible?
What in the wide world of sports is this choreography? People on bicycles? Fire? People on fire on bicycles? What kind of madness is this?
The fake enmity between the judges. Oh for fuck's sake. Cowell and Walsh have worked together for about 20 years and made each other incredibly rich men. They have the same, appalling, taste in middle-of-the-road banal shit that makes Michael Buble look edgy, yet we're supposed to believe they're always at each other's throats. Piss off. Ooh and Dannii and Cheryl are having some kind of 'style war' or whatever behind the scenes. Toss.
That, despite knowing all of this, I get sucked into the bloody programme. Why can't I just leave it alone? Why can't I just not watch it? Is it because everyone else watches it and I reason that there must be something quite good about it, if they all enjoy it? Is it because it's a guilty pleasure? Is it because there's nothing any good on the other side?
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November 8th, 2010 - 13:03
My Sky Plus broke over the weekend. Pure, no-reality-tv bliss.
November 8th, 2010 - 13:08
‘Is it because there’s nothing any good on the other side?’
Yep. That’ll be it. Saturday nights are a wasteland.
November 8th, 2010 - 13:13
If you want a picture of the future, imagine Cheryl Cole punching a toilet attendant’s face – forever.
November 8th, 2010 - 13:22
Would you consider rehab?
(Murray’s 1984 reference is superb)
November 8th, 2010 - 13:24
Live tweeting X Factor has become more enjoyable than the show itself.
Agree with much of the sentiments here, although you can’t deny outright that the show does occasionally unearth very real singing talents (though none of these remaining contestants are fit to clean Leona Lewis’s heels).
People underestimate Louis Walsh very, very badly. He might not have a finger on the pulse of what discerning music fans like, but reality TV wise, he’s absolutely on the money. You don’t achieve what he has and get to star in the biggest tv show currently on terrestrial TV by accident.
November 8th, 2010 - 13:31
Oh god, I completely agree with you!
It pees me off mainly because they pass over good singers for those that are entertaining.
And it REALLY pees me off because all they do is sing. -I- can do that. One thing that sets me and Lady Gaga apart is that I cannot write music worth a damn. And neither can these glorified karaoke singers. THAT is what needs to change.
And the judges. My god, the judges.
November 8th, 2010 - 13:34
X-Factor is televised karaoke.
And they don’t really sound as ‘good’ as they sound. Auto-tune sorts that out…
(used to disguise off-key inaccuracies and mistakes.. allows singers to perform perfectly tuned vocal tracks without needing to actually sing in tune)
November 8th, 2010 - 15:42
Wish they’d used it more often on Saturday. Katie in particular was off-key for almost the whole song
November 9th, 2010 - 09:00
I guess if you’re reaaaally out of tune that would be stretching technology!
November 8th, 2010 - 13:36
i saw it for the first time this week. i’m not a cultural or musical snob. i love kylie as much as i love ‘underground’ music. i love harry hill as much as i love ‘high brow’ tv. but this was just unmitigated shit. they just don’t sing very well. bland bland and more bland. that woman doing ‘new york’ made me want to cry and not in a good way.
November 8th, 2010 - 13:37
I used to have the same problem with Big Brother, around the fourth series when they replaced the original concept of “10 interesting people thrown together in a house” with “10 shrieking morons who might shag, they might, they might you know, they might DO IT!”
I got over it by doing something remarkably simple that took a surprising amount of effort. I turned the TV off. I don’t mean that to sound flippant; it really is genuinely damned difficult to make the choice to turn off a programme that’s inoffensive and vaguely entertaining, even when you know it’s LCD-trash and your brain could be better employed doing anything else. It’s as difficult as getting out of a warm bath on a cold day.
I think I managed to get into the habit of getting angry enough to do it. Angry at the schedulers and commissioners who thought my taste was so fucking bland, so banal, that I would slurp up whatever weak-vanilla-flavoured eye porridge they chose to shit down the glowing tube. Angry at the advertisers who would slap their brand all over this anti-culture dross, this easy ratings garner, this vehicle for them to sell more bleach and by coincidence put the lords of Endemol in ever more expensive limousines.
Do I actually feel that way? Of course not. But I convinced myself I felt that way long enough to make switching the TV off easy. These days the only TV in the house is in the bedroom, so you have to specifically go there to watch broadcast TV (there’s a screen in the lounge but it’s not hooked up to an aerial). What’s more it has a Tivo attached to it, so when I do sit down in front of it, I don’t just get sucked into watching whatever’s on – I just watch the things that I choose to watch.
Never forget that your TV choice includes one more option than just however many channels you have through Sky or Freeview – you’ve also got the red button at the top of the remote.
November 8th, 2010 - 19:35
Couldn’t agree more.
When I lived in a house with SKY+ we all watched TV 30 mins behind its actual broadcasting time – to avoid the adverts – but also to plan what we were going to watch (unless it was live sport then we’d have to endure the ad’s because of increased chance of spoiler texts from taunting friends).
Now I don’t have SKY, or SKY+ I tend to watch programmes online, with a link from Laptop to TV – but I’ve now got to sit through the ITV and C4 adverts. Very annoying.
My twitter feed fills up with #xfactor tweets. It’s a trillion times more entertaining. Instead of a panel of four celebs, you get 100′s of opinions; without censorship or repeated clichés. I was shocked and annoyed by it at first (logging on to twitter to get away from it attitude) but now it’s my favorite ‘twitter show’ taking over Question Time and Match of the Day (although I watch these two show on a real life TV, while there happening).
November 9th, 2010 - 12:27
“weak-vanilla-flavoured eye porridge”
Best. Descriptive. Ever.
I used to watch the audition shows, largely because I enjoy watching deluded people crying when their bubble’s burst, but also because I imagined those same people would also be watching at home, and the realisation of their lack of singing-ability would then be coming home like a bowling ball dropped off Blackpool Tower (what? I’m honest about it. Of course I couldn’t do better, I KNOW I can’t sing :p ).
But I can’t watch any more because of the smugness of Cowell.
If you want to watch it? Fine. Be entertained? Great. Be engaged by what you’re watching? If you must.
But the only people who should be registering any real emotional interest are the contestants. And even they should know better.
This programme (and countless others like it) is ‘the emperor’s new clothes’ of light entertainment.
November 8th, 2010 - 14:45
I’m going to disagree slightly with the “they can’t sing” rhetoric. I think the lass from Liverpool (Rebecca is it?) has a lovely voice.
November 8th, 2010 - 15:16
I agree, Rebecca is very talented.
November 8th, 2010 - 17:22
in my inauguration to the world of x factor, i did feel she was a good singer. at least she sang the song in her way and sang it well.
November 9th, 2010 - 15:11
Really, how well any given contestant can sing is entirely tangential to the show. The X-Factor is never going to find, for example, the next Alison Goldfrapp. For that matter nor will it ever find the next Chemical Brothers, Oasis or Rolling Stones. It *can’t* find the next *anything* because The X-Factor is fundamentally about repackaging things you already know. Songs you’ve heard a million times. Soap-opera backstories that you’ve seen a million times. A fairytale rags-to-riches fantasy that you’ve heard so many times it’s one of the seven core types of story.
And the end aim of that process is to engage you with a few of those stories long enough to make you want to buy the end product, a product that will be put together in a studio will full access to the very finest producers, vocal mics and autotune plugins Syco can afford (and Syco is very, very rich). A product that, even if you’ve not heard all the songs on it beforehand, will certainly not be deviating from ones you do know by much. There won’t be a whole lot of creative flexibility on hand for the eventual winner.
So why care whether that winner can sing or not? That can be engineered in a studio (of the TV or recording flavour), whereas audience empathy is much harder to achieve – though I must admit they seem to have that formula pretty much perfected now as well.
November 8th, 2010 - 15:44
There’s a reality distortion field around the programme and so we *do* believe that Danni is qualified to pass judgement on someone else’s singing talent, and we buy it (well some do) when Louis claims that Wagner has just shown the world he “can sing” when he does Viva Las Vegas and hits not a single note correctly (not one! Go and check) or the One Direction are the most exciting pop band in Britain. It’s only when you wake up on Christmas morning and open up the Wagner/Mary Byrne duet of ‘When I Fall in Love’ (oh, it’s coming) that you realise you’ve been had and you’ll have to put up with random bits of shit falling out of your iTunes shuffle at inopportune moments for the next 30 years.
And Kids in America is not an American anthem. Christ.
My kids love it though.
November 8th, 2010 - 15:46
i agree with souperman. and although i am not fond of matt cardle (i know who he is! this is a source of some surprise to me) i thought his song this week was pretty bloody good. katie, cher, aiden and paije are all potential proper little popstars in the making – for whatever reasons. one direction are a marketing man’s dream come true.
i like watching the xfactor, i do. i have only seen a couple this series, but i like thinking which songs i would give contestants, or what i think they/their team have done well/badly. i find the melodramatic sound and lighting (“DEADLOCK”) genuinely HILARIOUS.
there are lots of things wrong with the music industry, and telly, and entertainment in general, and this show embodies many of them. (i really don’t like the audition rounds.) but it’s also fun. by this stage it’s mostly a panto – in a good way.
November 8th, 2010 - 15:53
All damn good points, and may I add the loathsome terms of contract that the winners eventually get sucker-punched with after the whole ordeal is over? http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/latest/2008/12/10/x-factor-exclusive-secrets-of-the-winner-s-1million-contract-115875-20959077/ – no criticism of (specifically) Simon Cowell, anywhere… in the solar system.
The whole thing is horrible in pretty much every respect. 1 in 100 times a true talent is uncovered but frankly I get better odds watching ‘Stunning & Talented Male & Female Vocalists’ down at the local working mens clubs.
November 8th, 2010 - 17:42
A couple of things I hate about it:
1. That people take it so seriously (“Why is Wagner still in? It’s not fair.”, “Cheryl must die!” etc).
2. The constant shouting and screaming from the audience. It sounds like a school swimming gala.
November 8th, 2010 - 18:20
the one thing i never got part in regards to xfactor was the sheer length of the thing, in all ways. the show itself is hugely overlong (an hour and 45 minutes? that’s a decent length film ffs), and rattles on for week after week, and then there is the build up, dear lord, if you cut out every bit of dermot o’leary telling you what’s coming up soon i think you could shave about half an hour off the run time.
November 8th, 2010 - 18:24
Very funny article. Reminds me of a monkey Lenny Henry.
November 8th, 2010 - 19:20
Adding to ACG’s point, don’t forget the magazine!
In terms of annoying points, can we add the crowd reactions?
These people can’t actually think beyond a very simplistic level. If they boo a comment and a couple of seconds later, cheer that very same comment… Pass me the toffee hammer.
Perhaps it is more 1984 than we realise.
I’d also like to add… Has anyone else noticed that the judges are not permitted to give negative opinions on performances this year? And they are more than happy to attack each other?
Me thinks that negative opinions were reducing the likelihood that someone would pick up the phone and vote. After all, votes are for who you like, right? Not who you hate.
November 9th, 2010 - 11:40
The judges are being far less critical because you can now download the performances after the show and it would affect sales.
I know someone who has worked on a couple of series of X Factor and from what she’s told me, they don’t half bloody cheat to get the result they’re after – all sorts of microphone doodah and shenaniganary.
Not that that surprises me, but I do manage to get hacked off by the level of backing singing the groups get. During the choruses of their songs you literally cannot hear One Dimension at all.
November 8th, 2010 - 20:21
“You look like a popstar, you sound like a popstar” – and you, Louis, sound like a cunt…
November 8th, 2010 - 21:46
I’d rather be tortured by Yankee troops than sit through 5 (make that 1) minute(s) of that cancerous cacophony of unnecessary noise.
November 8th, 2010 - 23:39
Some reasonable comments here. I do thing that some of the contestants can actually sing, Treyc who was unfortunately eliminated, is a great session and backup singer but probably not much more.
I watch X Factor for the possibility of another Leona Lewis turning up. And Rebecca with a bit of work might be just that. Even Leona hasn’t always recorded the best songs.
I think the novelty with X Factor has worn off and we need a more authentic music Programme now.
November 9th, 2010 - 00:00
I have to leave the house when it’s on on a Saturday. Even if I wasn’t watching it at home I’d be surrounded by people on the net and people in my house watching it. I don’t know whether this makes me sound like a dick or not but, really, I’m both ashamed and disappointed it has reached this point.
November 9th, 2010 - 00:02
To add, what annoys me EVEN MORE nowadays is that it has become a yearly tradition for, at around this point in the series, something ‘scandalous’ to happen and for snobs to say ‘People have just realised it’s shit? olololol’. From August-December, Saturday nights have become one boring, mediocre, samey cycle that won’t stop. Urgh.
November 9th, 2010 - 02:32
I’m really really glad somebody else gets pissed off at Cheryl Cole’s ‘thinking’ face. I hate her ‘insightful’ comments too. Infact, I just hate everything about Cheryl Cole and the fact she’s somehow become the ‘nation’s sweetheart’ when she’s a racist thug. How has everybody forgotten this?!
November 12th, 2010 - 15:55
Maybe because there wasn’t actually any evidence that the “attack” was racist? Let’s not forget that the first thing the owner of the bar/club did was call the press, not the police. Also, she married a black guy. Not the typical move of a “racist thug”.
November 9th, 2010 - 07:16
I watched series 3-5 every week, but after the last series I decided I didn’t want to bother with them any more- mainly because it’s just got too long with the vote-off being on the Sunday.
Personally I’m going to get my slightly-naff reality TV fix from Dancing on Ice when it comes back in the new year (I didn’t watch it last year because I was burnt out from spending the majority of my weekend evenings watching X Factor)
I also enjoyed 71 Degrees North- I’d like it if there were more endurance/feats of strength based reality shows.
November 9th, 2010 - 09:34
Actually this is why you don’t like x factor. it’s because Simon Cowel is in fact the King of the Beavers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8el_P4yvfc
November 9th, 2010 - 10:47
I don’t watch it, have never watched it and until recently had no intention of watching it, but am resigned to the grim reality that if I don’t I will have no opening into the conversations with my coworkers. Sob.
… nothing kills a conversation more than “…er, no, I didn’t watch it, I only like Ice Road Truckers”
November 9th, 2010 - 14:46
I live with a spouse (and daughter of 20) who both like X-Fuckta and the whole celeb/soap TV thing. I’ve compromised over the years – I even did Prisoner Cell Block H and Neighbours earlier in our relationship. I still do Eastenders, sometimes. But however hard I try, I view it all as drivel. People who claim Eastenders’ actors are talented would be contradicted by a visit to their local amateur dramatic society. I’m not a snob – I like Misfits and Red Dwarf and even New Tricks. But X-Factor is the equivalent of a self administered lobotomy. How can anyone enjoy watching that shit? Sadly, I know some people who do…
November 9th, 2010 - 23:11
It is tawdry, tacky, nasty, spiteful and tedious. It is, as someone pointed out, a flim-flam where the rivalries among the judges are artificial. Arguably Louie and Simon have “discovered” talent in the past and have knowledge of the music industry but who puts Cheryl and Dannii in a position to judge anything? The whole thing is a simple money making exercise for Simon and Louie. In television terms it costs nothing to produce, it uncovers nothing new in the way of talent and it even charges the idiot public to vote. Having watched enough ask yourself, if The Who, Queen or the Rolling Stones turned up for an audition, would they even get on to the show proper? My guess is no. They go for looks over ability, body shape over talent. The ultimate “talent” is; are you marketable? Nothing else matters. What I cannot believe is that there is still an audience for this dross. Who the hell watches it and who the hell pays to vote? Simon is an ace manipulator. What has this added to the sum of humanity? Who cares? But simon is far richer than anyone else on this blog!