Staying classy with Wayne and Coleen
Here's Wayne Rooney, and Coleen Rooney, sitting at a table, eating their dinner. Here's Wayne Rooney, and Coleen Rooney, sitting on sun loungers, eating a pizza and what might well be a salad, we're not sure. Here's Coleen Rooney, in a bikini, by a swimming pool. Look at her tits. Do they look bigger tits than the tits she had in this bikini, a few months ago? Has she had her tits made bigger? What do you think? It would only cost a few thousand pounds for that to happen - but even though she earns thousands of pounds a year, we'll imply that it would be him that paid for it, because men pay for things and women don't. Obviously. He earns £160k a week, don't you know.
Here's Coleen Rooney, looking at a cocktail menu. There's Wayne, next to her, in a swimming pool. Here's Coleen Rooney, standing on her left leg. Now she's transferring the weight onto her right leg. She's wearing sunglasses and carrying a phone. She's in a bikini, but you knew that already. This is all allowed, because this was a publicity stunt. They wanted us to be there, looking at them by the swimming pool, looking at her tits, speculating about her tits. They wanted us to do this, so we can do it. That's fair, you can't touch us.
Here's a blurred picture of Wayne and Coleen Rooney hugging in a swimming pool. Here's another blurred picture of them in a swimming pool. They wanted us here. They wanted us to see this. This was their publicity stunt. Now they're sitting at a table, eating dinner, we're taking this picture from a window overlooking the restaurant. They wanted us to be here. We'll pretend there's an awkward silence, because there probably was, at one point. Here's Coleen, in another bikini. Tits, tits, tits.
Now they're sitting at sunloungers. Now they're talking to each other. Now they're not talking to each other. Now they've got a bottle of water. Now they're drinking the bottle of water. Now someone else is talking to Coleen Rooney while Wayne Rooney has a towel on. Now they're eating again. Now they're sitting down. Now they're walking around. One last bikini shot? Why not. Tits.
Reference list: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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November 1st, 2010 - 20:03
Now they’re on a horse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owGykVbfgUE
November 2nd, 2010 - 00:08
Poor Coleen. You know she is only staying for the good of her family. So many women stay for the children as they wouldn’t be so thoughtless as to put their children through a traumatic divorce. A divorce which their children would then write about in the Daily Mail 20 years later. Ignorant poor people think they only stay for the money but they couldn’t be more wrong.
November 2nd, 2010 - 00:36
Is it slightly naive and old-fashioned of me to still be horrified by the total shit that actually gets printed in papers like the Mail? Because I am.
And did you notice that little slice of (completely irrelevent) fat-bashing in one article? “Weight off her mind: Coleen chats with a portly fellow holidaymaker yesterday”. The guy is a completely anonymous passer-by, yet they still couldn’t resist having a dig. Wankers.
November 2nd, 2010 - 07:51
Some people want to be rich and famous.
Rich, yeah that’s okay, but famous? Are they mad? What sort of mentalist wants to spend their twenties being pursued across the world by weirdos with long lens cameras?
November 2nd, 2010 - 11:17
Definitely important news. Please tell me more about these important people.
November 2nd, 2010 - 11:44
What winds me up about all this is the amount of coverage that has been given to it. The entire Western world seems to be on an inexorable slide to authoritarian fascism (under the guise of freedom and other such disingenuous phrases) and all the tabloids can report are the holiday travails of a couple of scousers. Still, it’s the proprietors of these tabloids that are at the vanguard of this slide so I guess it’s in their interests to print stories about Coleen’s tits. Whilst everyone’s looking at tits their civil liberties are being slowly but surely eroded away to nothing.
November 2nd, 2010 - 20:27
Sorry, what was that? I was busy looking at tits…
November 2nd, 2010 - 23:52
“one might have expected the couple to use their clout and insist that British newsmen be thrown out of the Burj Al Arab. True, Rooney did round on one over-inquisitive reporter from a Sunday redtop, hurling a mobile phone at him and snarling that he would ‘do’ him if they were in Liverpool. Coleen also chastised a reporter, who had offended her”
Those bastards, having a go at the press!
“Suspiciously, though, the rest of us are being left to our devices – so long as we play the PR game and keep a discreet distance.”
Those bastards, not having a go at the press!