How are we going to get through the next few hours, then? Not just the impending doom, of course - though the shock-doctrine flamethrower that's about to be taken to the public sector is going to be pretty strong meat - but the television and radio coverage of it. As is I believe traditional in these times, I think a gentle drinking game could be in order. Let's get the gallows humour and bunker mentality right to the fore. Think Dad's Army defending the pier. Think Mike Morris in the final days of TV-AM. Think Titus Bramble attempting to stop someone quite good from getting past him. Yes, we all know it's hopeless, and we're doomed, but let's try and get through it somehow... with a campfire, a sing-song, and by getting wrecked together.
So, scrape out the last dregs of booze from the cupboard that will soon be bare, set them up in front of your television, and let's make this all pass as painlessly as possible. While the small-state fatcats go around spraying champagne today, let's actually drink something. See you in the morning, with a massive hangover, on the way to the job club.
Patronising analogy from Government minister about debt - TAKE A DRINK. "Let's say, for example, you borrowed something on your credit card, you would have to pay that back, wouldn't you? This is about MONEY which you have, but if you OWE someone else MONEY then you are in DEBT. And it's like someone having DEBTS and then going out SHOPPING. I am trying to make it EASY for plebs like you to understand because you are THICK."
"This is all Labour's fault" - TAKE A DRINK. Phrases like 'our hands are tied by Labour', 'we inherited this mess from Gordon Brown' and 'this crisis is Labour's legacy' certainly count.You might find this is the killer by the end of the day.
Nick Robinson looking/sounding smug - TAKE A DRINK. As you know, I'm no fan of Robinson, but he has a chance to redeem himself today by being something other than smug. In the unlikely event that he can't manage that, though, you must take a drink. And it's going to be pretty hard to avoid him during the course of the day - he's going to pop up everywhere. Jumping down from the ceiling, leaping out of the fridge - "Not now, Robbo!" - he's going to be everywhere, whether you like it or not.
Pointless graphic that tells you nothing about anything - TAKE A DRINK. You'll be comatose at a bus stop by noon if you're watching Sky News. Yesterday's analysis of defence cuts, including whizzy graphics of giant boats and planes flying past the presenter was so crushingly poor that you ended up hoping that one of the Tornados would spear him in the nuts. But no, he just kept on wittering away.
Vox pop of 'ordinary' people who all hate the public sector - TAKE TWO DRINKS. "We asked this family of ordinary folk what they thought. John, you work in the public sector and you'd be on the dole tomorrow if this happened, what do you think?" - "Oh, this is all Labour's fault, I'm glad they're cutting back the public sector, they're all chancers, I can't stand them, I'm glad I'll be down the Job Club, I deserve it..."
Inane comparison of private and public - TAKE TWO DRINKS. "I have a small business and treat my staff really badly, but people are allowed to have holidays and take time off sick in the public sector, almost as if they care about staff or something. They're not living in the real world..."
"They're not living in the real world..." - TAKE TWO DRINKS.
Complaint from Government spokesman/shill about how the evil media are all secret lefties by daring to say anything about cuts being possibly anything other than wonderful - TAKE THREE DRINKS. I fear we may hear a lot, especially on the BBC, about how the dreadful state-funded scum would be bound to complain about their gravy train ending up in the sidings, or how they're all dirty Trots anyway. "Oh well of course the BBC would say that" - charge your glasses.
Andrew Neil with barely concealed erection - TAKE FOUR DRINKS. If only to wash away the memory.
Robert Peston growling like Chewbacca - TAKE FOUR DRINKS. Just for the hell of it.
Shoe-horning-in of immigration - TAKE FIVE DRINKS. "Of course this crisis wouldn't be so bad if we had control of our borders, and why can't we just sack them if jobs need to go?" - it always amazes me at the creativity of xenophobes, but they won't be resting today. You'll see them turning up.
Depiction of anyone on benefits as a 'scrounger' - JUST DOWN THE WHOLE BLOODY BOTTLE. Yes, there's someone somewhere who gets ten billion billion pounds from the taxpayer and lives in a 93-room mansion with a trillion kids, so that means everyone's on the take, especially the evil disabled, who are all probably all right to pop down the coal mine anyway, malingering scum.
Lots of middle-aged fat white men who are all going to be completely untouched by the cuts, sitting around in a nice warm studio talking about why everyone else needs to be dumped out on the scrapheap as if they really do share the pain of it all - HIT SELF IN FACE WITH BOTTLE, COLLAPSE IN HEAP ON BLOODSTAINED CARPET, SOBBING ABOUT GENERAL ELECTION RESULT, WAKE UP AT 3AM, HATE SELF, REPEAT.