Throughout history, we mud-chucking barbarians have waited in the shadows for quantum leaps of science to lift us out of our ignorance. The wheel, the telescope, the jet engine... and now, I'm here to tell you that I have experienced the latest leap in human understanding, one that will propel us out of the dark ages and into a glorious future.
This is our Icarus moment. This is what science is actually for. Forget twatting around with microscopes or launching rockets into space, and all of that shit; here's something that genuinely benefits us all - something we can be proud of. When our grandchildren look at us and ask what contribution our generation made to the world we live in, we can smile, and simply point at this:
Just take it in for a moment. Your eyes are probably telling you that you're not seeing what you're seeing. "What trickery is this?" you're probably saying to yourself, as your brain refuses to process what your eyes are seeing. But it is true. I am here to bear witness to what I have seen - but not just seen. I've tasted it, on my recent holiday. I have tasted science. I have tasted the fruits (and nuts) of the land beyond the scientific stratosphere. And let me tell you, the blueberry and hazelnut Pringle is Neil Armstrong. It is Darwin and Wallace. It is everything that we as a species have ever achieved, and perhaps ever achieve.
Sure, it's a crisp, but it's a fucking fruit and nut crisp. Fuck yeah! Straw for your poetry, your prose, your works of art; this is science, people. This is what science should be doing. Not fooling around with planets or tinkering with bacteria; oh no. When the world comes up with fruit and nut crisps, then you can truly say, yes, this is the 21st century, at last. Sure, I appear not to be hovering to work on a jetpack just yet - a horrific lapse from those so-called 'scientists' who rule our lives and who lied to us via nice old Raymond Baxter and Maggie Philbin on Tomorrow's world - but I can forgive science for that, so long as there are wonders such as fruit & nut crisps.
I have never seen such delights in this country, however. Perhaps Pringles think that British people are sawdust-tongued fools who aren't ready for the joys of fruit and nut crisps. Perhaps they think we'd go mad if we were exposed to such heights of flavour. Maybe they think we'd go giddy and start rioting in the streets - and maybe they'd be right. Maybe we don't deserve fruit & nut Pringles. Maybe they're too good for the likes of us. Can we be trusted? Would we burn people in wicker Pringles tubes? We very well might. But should we be denied the chance to reach for the stars? Who has the right to stop us? It's a poser.
All I do know is, they are fucking delicious.