Farewell Prozac, one year on
As you might know, about a year ago I started writing another blog called 'Farewell Prozac', describing my attempt to try and get myself off antidepressant drugs. So I thought I might write another post now, with a bit of hindsight, to look back on how it all went and how things have progressed since then. This is one of those blog posts that you might find either entirely pointless or quite enlightening, but I make no apology for it being either, or neither, or nothing at all.
Looking back, it was an optimistic time and things appeared to be going well. I remember the feeling of being able to adjust to life without drugs, and then all the problems that came - but there was a long period of feeling fog-bound and disoriented, as if I didn't really know what was going on, where I began and where the drugs ended. Eventually though, that was it, and I felt that things were going well enough that I stopped the blog, as it seemed there wasn't anything left to say.
Later, I eventually realised that I wasn't coping well enough without antidepressant drugs, and so I started taking them again. As I said at the time, it was and wasn't a tremendous fail; I felt like a failure, because I realised that I couldn't cope without drugs; and I felt like I wasn't a failure, because at least I'd realised, rather than carrying on without it all and thinking I was going to be all right, even when things were going wrong.
Re-reading the Farewell Prozac blog, I rather like a lot of the writing, and I find it a lot more enjoyable than, say, some of the old blog posts on here, because there's still something that I can connect with, something personal and human, something quite emotional and quite raw. I like all of that, even if I don't like remembering all the reasons why things went wrong in the first place and why they kept going wrong, and how I couldn't quite succeed in the little task I had set for myself that I felt would make me able to deal with life more easily.
How do I feel now? I don't feel better, not completely, and I am kind of resigned to the idea that I might have to continue taking antidepressant drugs for some time to come yet, maybe for all of the future - but it's not so much resignation, perhaps, as just feeling like that's the right thing to do. Perhaps by attaching a status of negativity to being 'on medication' that we put pressure on ourselves to come off it at some stage in the future, in a way that we wouldn't with medication to help with things other than mental health problems. Maybe it's only by dealing with that that you can find some kind of tranquillity about the whole thing, some kind of peace with yourself and your situation.
The place where I am now is a much better place, I think, and maybe that's just the reason why I don't feel under pressure to make any changes. Things are going well. I have found things to occupy my brain and stop the restlessness that caused such anxiety in the past; I have my writing to entertain me, and occasionally others, as well; and I have support from a lot of people who mean a great deal to me. Nothing is perfect, of course, and there are so many things I would change, but then so many things I wouldn't change, either. I am getting to a place where it all seems all right, after all.
I suppose the thing I have learned from all this is that you might not be able to achieve the things you set out to do - like giving up antidepressants, for example - but you might be able to achieve something of value through doing it. I still quite like reading that blog, after all. I mean, there are loads of things wrong with it, and loads of things that make me wince to read, but I don't really mind at all - I did it, and I finished it, and that's that. And when you look at things with a bit of hindsight, as I am, a year on from starting that blog, you can notice that sometimes the trajectory is upwards, and sometimes things do improve, and sometimes you do feel like you're making progress, and you feel like you might just have a chance to end up somewhere good. And a chance is all I need, because I am going to take it.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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September 20th, 2010 - 14:26
I think there’s a lot to be said for accepting the need for antidepressant drugs. I’ve been on and off them about five times now, if memory serves – I’ve come to see it as something akin to insulin, which doesn’t have the same stigma attached. And I’ve tried to explain my bouts of inexplicable sadness (haven’t had ‘proper’ depressive episode for some time) to my fella as ‘flare up of old condition’.
In an idea world, I wouldn’t feel the need to be so euphemistic, but it isn’t.
Anyhoo, keep it up Anton – I always look forward to your blog posts, tweets and little monkey face!
September 20th, 2010 - 14:32
Has it really been a year?
I applaud you not for having a go and doing what’s right for you, although of course that’s entirely laudible, but for telling other people about it.
I’m a long term AD medication user who’s fed up with knee jerk reactions from people who think you have to stop taking it ‘just because’. I don’t know any one who spouts crap like that who actually has any experience of needing them.
Best wishes
September 20th, 2010 - 14:52
We would never comment on someone “being on medication” if they have a chronic physical illness, we just assume that they are. Until society at large realises that mental health problems are a normal part of the human condition, people will continue to feel somehow less of themselves for something completely out of their own control. I used to work in the mental health field – always the cinderella of local health provision.
I am glad you are now “in a better place” because I love reading your blogs! I always “favourite” them so that I am sure to read them at my leisure.
September 20th, 2010 - 15:52
I agree that you are not a failure for going back on medication. Recognising that you needed the extra help the anti-depressants provide is (in my non-medical, anecdotal opinion, for what it’s worth!) pretty good evidence that you haven’t stopped moving in the right direction, you’re just taking a different path.
I have been there myself (I took pretty much the same drugs as you from the age of 15-19, and then again from 21-25). Before going back on medication the second time I didn’t even recognise I was slipping back until I’d become suicidal and walked out of my job. My respect to you, Anton, especially for sharing this.
September 20th, 2010 - 16:21
Best wishes and thank you for sharing your personal experience of depression. I’m a sufferer too, coupled with anxiety. I enjoyed your Farewell Prozac blog. Depression is such a difficult condition to explain, I think you did it perfectly.
September 20th, 2010 - 16:35
I didn’t know you were on anti-depressants until reading this post, and you have my sympathies. I have noticed the underlying negativity that comes through your posts on newspapers etc. and at time is has worried me – I have wondered if you were perhaps taking this all a bit too seriously. Perhaps I am lucky as I never come into contact with people who actually think along the lines of the articles in the Daily Mail, with the rare exception of my mother and, it seems, the previous government. I’m fully aware my experience isn’t shared with everyone, but then I wonder if that doesn’t mean its the majority. After all, if 4 million people read the Mail each day, then 56 million people don’t.
I’m sure your familiar with the psychological concept of transference, where the problem with the subject is transferred on to a third party, and I’ve often wondered if that is happening here.
I, too, suffered from depression in the past and have taken SSRIs. One thing that helped me get out of it, aside from changing my working and living environments and travelling extensively throughout the world, was using this product: http://www.centerpointe.com – I have no affiliations with this site by the way. It’s also expensive, and there are other ways to obtain this technology without paying that money (iDoser is based on the same technology) so there are other options there. But it did help me.
Anyway best of luck, and hope things work out in the future.
September 20th, 2010 - 17:40
I can’t agree with what you think about depression equalling negativity in blog posts. I don’t really get as upset by things like the Daily Mail as you think I do, except when it’s really appalling. Maybe that doesn’t come across too well.
September 21st, 2010 - 11:59
I’m not sure blog posts indicate a lot about the author’s mind. If they do then, well – *glances across the sea of venom that’s the blogosphere* – be worried.
September 21st, 2010 - 15:24
Are you serious? In transference, the third party is the therapist, surely? The subject starts imbuing their therapist with the qualities/ failings/ abuses of those who caused the turmoil and react to the therapist as if they are that person/ people. It signifies a level of interraction with the therapist of a close and personal nature – how does Anton’s blog equate to that? Does he wonder why the blog is asking that question? Does he get defensive when the blog asks him why he’s late for his session?
I’m realise I sound snippy . . . maybe it’s the ‘transference’.
September 20th, 2010 - 16:41
As Nicky says, the greatest of respect to you for sharing your personal experiences on a topic which is still – sadly – taboo for so many. People should remember that anti-depressants are simply a tool to tackle chemical anomalies within the brain – there is no more shame in taking Prozac than there is in taking anti-histamines for an allergy.
I wish you the very best, and it is an encouragement to everyone who comes into contact with depression that you can achieve equilibrium and still write so bloody well.
September 28th, 2010 - 14:55
I’m in exactly the same place as you were – not being able to cope without the “happy pills” (it’s been a year and I am definitely sliding downwards into the dark spiral) – have made the decision to go back to the GP and grab that Lustral. I don’t see it as a failure – as someone else has mentioned, look at it like diabetics regard their insulin.
The hardest part is persuading my boyfriend and parents that a) it’s not through lack of effort that I cannot keep the depression at bay, b) being nice to me will not magically “fix” me and c) making negative moral judgements about my inabilty to cope will only make me worse.
Wish me luck and the same to you!