The clearly correct definitive list of animals beginning with O
I know that the post 'Towards a sensible biscuit hierarchy' attracted a huge wave of controversy, and I feel that this may well do the same. But I couldn't let it rest.
This article in today's Graun, entitled 'Why do we love owls so much?' is what sparked everything off, and I was encouraged to do this list by Bat020. And sure, I love owls as much as the next man - in fact I know a cracking owl sanctuary not far from here - but that isn't the whole story. There are other creatures, beginning with the letter O, that are just as interesting, if not more so. True, those owls - one could label them the tarts of the bird world, but I'm not unkind - sit there with their big eyes and their beaks and their giant circular faces and all of that, and, yes, owls flap about and have big wings. But don't tell me that they're better than otters, because they aren't.
So, here is the definitive list, completely correct and impossible to argue against, of animals beginning with the letter O. I think you'll find that everything is in order - but if you do happen to have your own views on the subject, feel free to join in with the disgruntled masses in the comments box.
1. Otters. Obviously. Was it an owl that got its head pummeled into a meaty pulp by that bloke with a spade at the end of Ring of Bright Water? I think not. Would we have cried as much? A bit, but not as much as the cute little otter. Look, otters are fucking brilliant. Don't fuck with me on this one, because you know they are. Sea otters, freshwater otters, short-clawed otters, Asian otters, European otters - face it, they're the pinnacle of O-animals. Look at their little faces! Look at their little paws! Look at the fact they gnawed off Terry Nutkins's fingers! Look at all of it! They even make little squeaky noises like Sweep. I once went to an otter sanctuary where the keeper told me: "I know we shouldn't feed them this, but they really love chips." They love chips as well. You want more? OK, here's more:
Oh yes. From the splendid cute baby otters website (Ronseal: It's a website full of cute baby otters) - courtesy of Bellamack.
2. Ocelots. In many ways one could claim that the ocelot is merely a small big-cat or a big small-cat, but that would be to ignore the ears. I mean, the eyes! Look at the fucking eyes!
3. Orangutans. It says something about the wondrousness of ocelots and otters that orangutans, the spectacular ginger apes, are only in position number 3. Many people delight in the sight of the baby orangutan, a tiny ball of orange fluff, but for me the older ones are even better.
They're critically endangered as well, these poor little russet-coloured blighters, through no fault of their own.
4. Owls. Obviously, they were going to turn up. And yes, there are many reasons why the owls are traditionally thought of as wise old birds - the giant faces, the big eyes, the silly half-asleep Stewie Griffin faces, the rotating heads, and all of that. I like them because they have that combination of expression between "I am the slightest bit peeved" and "I couldn't give a flying fuck" on their faces. Do you know what I mean? I think this picture sums it up nicely:
And that comes from the marvellous Fuck You, Penguin blog.
5. Octopuses / Octopodes / Octopi / Whatever the fuck you want to call them. These leggy submariners have the added bonus of being not only interesting animals, but also delicious. Which is bad for them, obviously, but not bad for Greek restaurants. Several new species of octopus have recently been discovered, including this joker:
I don't think I could eat him, he looks like he might be quite fun. Unless he's really delicious, in which case I probably would.
Not ranked - ostriches. Scary, stary little bleeder, the ostrich. Just stands there with that unfeasibly long neck, forever on the verge of pecking your eyes out or headbutting you. Nasty. *shudders*
So, those are my top five, and clearly correct though they are, you may have your own views. NB taxonomical corrections are only relevant if you understand that my definition of 'animal' is "thing that's alive and isn't a plant, or fungus, or something".
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September 13th, 2010 - 13:31
Orangutan? Have you got stark-staring mad? People like you should be forced bodily through a tea strainer
September 13th, 2010 - 13:37
Once again, the Okapi gets fucked over. Look at them! They’re like stumpy giraffes wearing zebra-print leggings. Brilliant.
September 13th, 2010 - 14:24
Am with you on the Okapi – fantastically weird but cute animal
September 13th, 2010 - 15:07
Hear hear. This “definitive” list of animals beginning with O is an Outrage. How could you Omit the venerable Okapi? Consider the following points:
(1) They are unnervingly placid. Go see them in the zoo and they just stare at you, cool as a bloody cucumber. There’s no hint of that I’m-so-tall-I-don’t-even-realise-you-exist giraffe aloofness. The okapi *know* you’re there. And they’re *waiting*.
(2) Okapi don’t just begin with O, they boast vowels as their third and fifth letters too. Consequently they regularly feature in cryptic crosswords, despite their relative Obscurity. (Admittedly they share this honour with Ocelots).
(3) The Damned’s Machine Gun Etiquette album features the soundbite “nibbled to death by okapi” on its inner groove, a sample from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy describing the fate of Arthur Dent’s brother.
So, okapi: they’re a little bit Zen, a little bit geeky, a little bit punk – and a shedload of cool. They should be instated to their rightful place at the very top of the O-animal hierarchy forthwith.
September 13th, 2010 - 13:38
I’m glad ostriches did not place. Flippin weirdos. My mum’s old house backed onto an ostrich farm. One night, one of them got panicked by some headlights into running like the wind, thus garrotting itself on a wire fence. And that’s *AFTER* first running through two plate glass walls of a greenhouse.
Definition of mini-brained. They’re pretty tasty though.
I’m all for owls though. When you see a barn owl patrolling a field at head height at dusk, looking for prey, you can think only two things:
1) That is breathakingly graceful, what a beautful sight
2) Fucking glad I’m not a mouse
September 13th, 2010 - 13:40
A superb opportunity to repeat one of my favourite jokes.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot.
September 13th, 2010 - 13:41
What about opossums? They might not look as cute as an otter or have big scary eyes like an ocelot, but they can play dead by foaming at the mouth and secreting foul-smelling fluid from their anal glands! That’s got to count for something surely….
September 13th, 2010 - 13:49
I definitely know what you mean about owl expressions. Have you seen http://hungoverowls.tumblr.com/?
September 13th, 2010 - 13:52
As a fervent campaigner for Oyster rights, I find this blog to be an affront to my beliefs.
September 13th, 2010 - 15:50
You are 100 per cent correct. Tie this cur to a post at low tide and let the crabs do the rest
September 13th, 2010 - 14:08
Oryx.
Oryx oryx oryx oryx oryx oryx.
That is all.
September 13th, 2010 - 15:14
Awwwww, I really want an otter now.
September 13th, 2010 - 15:35
Opossums are rather cute as they look like a hedgehogs with fur.
On the “A-Z Index of Animals” website and there is only one creature listed under “V” – The Vulture. I wonder why the site’s contributors haven’t listed the Vole?
September 13th, 2010 - 16:00
A good list, but I feel I should make the case for the Osprey. It is also known as the Fish Eagle! And would kick the bejesus out of any of that list.
September 13th, 2010 - 17:09
I used to work on a deli counter in Newcastle that sold whole baby octopus. The only time we ever sold any of them would be around 4pm each day when the schools kicked out. Whichever poor fucker had lost some kind of bet or dare was frog marched by the winner to the deli counter where the slimiest little bugger they could find would be picked out, weighed, sold and another school kid was forced to eat.
Ah the memories!
September 13th, 2010 - 18:00
The correct plural is octapodia (Greek plural) or octopuses (English plural). And if you had ever held one in your hand, they’d be at the top of that list. As they will be, just as soon as they learn to start eating otters.
September 13th, 2010 - 18:21
I feel I must stand up for the oribi. They’re tiny antelope and they whistle when they’re scared, and they’re endangered so clearly need mentioning more. Bat’s vowel argument for the okapi clearly applies here too. Admittedly “okapi” is very handy for Scrabble, but the variant spelling “ourebi” is even better for unloading vowels.
September 13th, 2010 - 18:24
What’s the connection between ocelots, feather-plucking, Alice Cooper and video games? This.
September 13th, 2010 - 18:56
I’m so fucking with you on this one. Otters simply cannot be beaten. Ocelots are pretty awesome too, but even they don’t come close.
September 13th, 2010 - 19:03
By and large I am in agreement, however I will second the points made about the okapi, purely because of the Damned connection. Furthermore, though it isn’t really a specific species in its own right, more a trained, load-bearing cow variant, I feel I must nominate the humble ox. Magnificently strong, stoic beasts that deservedly lent their name to John Entwistle of The Who. Placid, law abiding memebers of animal society that cause no harm to anyone and just do what needs to be done.
No-one can argue with an ox. No-one.
Also, otters are still top for this reason alone:
September 13th, 2010 - 19:46
‘Orse. You diddunt ‘ave an ‘orse.
September 14th, 2010 - 00:08
Otters also love grapes. Sciencefact. Go absolutely mad for them.
September 14th, 2010 - 06:24
I love you Anton Vowl and would marry you if I wasn’t already married
) btw saw in the Mail at my Mum’s yesterday (where else? All Mums have a copy of the Mail laying aroung) and saw a pic of a cat with the word ‘cat’ showing in his fur. Not beginning with O, just cute, that’s all http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1311461/A-tabby-marks-spelling.html
September 14th, 2010 - 09:03
Sorry, Otters are cute and all, but how on Earth can the Octopus only be number 5? They are possibly the best animals ever! They are almost certainly the cleverest invertebrate… They have distributed brains, meaning their tentacles have a degree of autonomy. Hell, they reproduce by sticking one of their arms in their partner’s EAR.
They can change colour and texture, as well as squeeze through almost any opening (youtube the shark versus octopus video to see how deadly they can be). They exhibit solitary play, and even tool use; some octopuses use coconut shells to hide in. They are exeptional escape artists, apparently breaking into separate feeding tanks when kept in captivity.
Also, they have THREE HEARTS. Eat that David Tennant.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!
September 14th, 2010 - 10:49
Good call leaving out the ostrich.
Was attacked by one while interviewing a farmer who was breeding them. The beady eyed fucker pecked me in the head and it hurt.
Revenge was mine as the farmer gave me a load of ostrich burgers when I left.
Otters are basically animal show-offs. All that sliding round on their arses for the benefit of David Attenborough and his film crew.
September 14th, 2010 - 12:50
Couldn’t see Orville in your list?
September 14th, 2010 - 14:41
Olm. It’s blind. It lives in underground waters in and around Slovenia. It lives a life in complete darkness, like goths. It’s amphibian but never leaves the water. It’s the only species in its genus and the only European species in its family. It’s also known as a “cave salamander”, and is occasionally called the “human fish” by locals. It’s also neotenic, retaining larval characteristics like external gills into adulthood, like the axolotl and the mud puppy. And they called it “olm”.
September 14th, 2010 - 23:52
OTTERS! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newsvideo/weirdnewsvideo/8002370/Orphaned-otter-learns-to-swim-in-bath-tub.html