Anton Vowl is a busy man. Apart from talking about himself in the third person, like some kind of fucking basketball player or something, he's got eight billion websites and numerous TV and radio commitments - not that he likes to mention them very often, and not that his entire fucking Twitter feed is a series of self-aggrandising "I'm doing a telly programme today, perhaps you'd like to watch my big potato face yapping up and down on it with the usual tedious slew of sicky rubbish oozing between its lips..."
That's where you come in. He needs a new personal executive lovely assistant. The responsibilities are the following:
- Making sure Anton's hair looks nice and his shoelaces are tied up properly.
- Organising Anton's many different TV and radio appearances (oh, did he mention? He does that sort of thing).
- Making Anton a nice cup of tea and maybe buying some biscuits once a week. Possibly chocolate Hob Nobs, though Bourbons would be all right. Just not fucking Malted Milk, all right?
- Learning facts and stuff for when Anton is too busy appearing on television to actually fucking research anything he writes about. I mean that hardly happens, of course, but you never know.
- Writing briefing papers for Anton so he doesn't have to do all that tedious business of actually reading anything not written by him.
- Maintaining (though not controlling) Anton's diary including radio and TV appearances (did Anton mention those?)
- Calling people a prick when they disagree with Anton. Anton is finding it tedious to conduct these hissy fits and strops on his own and would prefer to do them by proxy from now on.
You will need to be Anton's eyes and ears, nose, fingers, spleen, liver, perineum and left testicle. Essentially you'll need to do an awful lot of work. It's not easy being this fucking good, you know.
Ideally you will be:
- A recent graduate, so that you haven't experienced employment with anyone other than a total arse, and you'll probably think that this kind of job is what work is like.
- Exceptionally willing to put up with working for one of the world's leading bloggers.
- Exceptionally great.
Anton will decide the salary (possibly as much as £1,302 per year). Just to make it clear, this is being paid for by his own money, which he earned himself, by being so brilliant. Incidentally, if you might make a mistake on the application form, he feels free to take the piss out of you and then get in a right old huff in the comments afterwards.
Send in your CV, a photo of your favourite pet, and a 12-word critique of this blog (including the word 'genius') to the following address: Lord Ashcroft's left pocket, Lord Ashcroft's trousers, Belize.