Let’s bring back ‘dillon’
In my previous post I called Matthew Parris a 'dillon' for swimming across the Thames in his vest and pants, like he thought it was some kind of good idea or something.
Of course, had he been chopped into tiny pieces by a speedboat or swept out to sea, it would be wrong to call him a dillon, out of respect, if nothing else. But I think it's the perfect kind of insult for someone who's done something terribly thick, but not particularly malicious. I say we bring back dillon. We had 'dillon' at my school, and it worked marvellously well.
Sure, if someone called you a shit, or a cunt, or a twat, or a motherfucker, or a bastard, or a toerag, or all those other things, then that would be annoying. But there's something superb about dillon that I can't put my finger on.
In the comments, Rob reminded me of 'Dime bar', another spectacularly good insult from those days. I think the origin is this particular one of the Harry Enfield TV adverts:
I know I get told off quite often - sometimes correctly, sometimes not - for calling people cunts - or cloacas, in the case of Richard Littlejohn - or using naughty words to describe people. And I don't want to get too Justin Lee Collins about this* but it got me thinking: what other simple but unsweary insults are there from school? I'm not talking about Joey or stuff like that, but the other ones.
In the meantime, I am going to make it my mission to bring 'dillon' back into the mainstream as the insult of choice for a new generation. Let's all do our bit, and in a matter of months you could hear giggling kids calling you a dillon from the local playground, as opposed to the more normal 'arsehole' or 'slag'. That's got to be a worthwhile endeavour, hasn't it?
* I have a vision that one day Justin Lee Collins will go blundering across a car park like an enthusiastic woolly sheepdog, shouting at a TV producer to "bring back Justin Lee Collins, please bring him back, bring him back you bastard!" except there isn't a film crew with him, just an old supermarket trolley and a big bottle of Thunderbird.
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August 5th, 2010 - 14:32
Re: your footnote. That day can’t come soon enough. Ideally, it’ll be Saturday. I hope there’s someone there with a camera phone to put it on youtube.
August 5th, 2010 - 15:09
We used to use ‘Dildo’ quite a lot (as opposed to using dildoes quite a lot). This was in middle school* and I had no idea what it really meant until much later (of course that may just have been me. Everyone else probably knew exactly what it meant). General usage: stupid person.
Also ‘pilgrim’. No idea where that one came from, but it did enliven those assemblies where we were made to sing ‘To be a pilgrim’. General usage was similar to dildo.
‘Pikey’, as a term of abuse for someone with personal hygiene issues and/or from a poor background, as opposed to the more common usage for travellers.
‘Jasper’ – similar usage to pikey.
‘Mo’ – contraction of homo; no further explanation needed. Hey, it was a long time ago, we were about 12, we didn’t know any better & wouldn’t have cared if we did, what can I say? We were a bunch of dildoes.
* for those of you that have no idea what middle school is because they live in the 95% of the country that doesn’t use the First/Middle/High school system: it’s essentially the last 3 years of primary & the first year of secondary.
August 5th, 2010 - 15:25
Shitehawk.
I’m not calling you a shitehawk; I just mean if we’re bringing back retro insults then shitehawk is hard to top.
August 5th, 2010 - 17:28
Shitehawk is good, but nesbit is a playground classic.
Well, it was in my playground anyway. And can be sort of shortened to ‘nezzer’ and ultimately ‘nez’
August 9th, 2010 - 15:27
Same here. Though I always thought it was an insult against a local family who weren’t well liked.
Huh. Obviously not!
August 5th, 2010 - 17:47
The trouble with calling people “dillon” is that some people have, inexplicably, begun to name their offspring “Dillon.”
Same reason you don’t find children called Richard, and if you do they’re called Rick or Richard, and not Dick.
August 5th, 2010 - 18:26
“benchud”
ok, i’ll admit this isn’t really a widespread word, seeing as, well, my brother made it up when we were kids, but it works very well i think. it almost-nearly-but-not-quite sounds like several other proper swarewords (a bit of a “slartybartfast” vibe if you will), and the “-ch-” makes it quite good for saying in exasperation or anger.
August 5th, 2010 - 18:27
add-on: do feel free to inform me if my brother didn’t actually make this up afterall.
August 10th, 2010 - 03:15
Erm…I don’t think he did. Pretty sure it’s of South Asian origin and the meaning is far too rude to post here. Or anywhere.
August 5th, 2010 - 18:53
Weirdly, we had Joey before Joey deacon was all over Blue Peter. For reasons best known to himself, a primary school teacher had, for many many years, had a table tennis bat with the rubber peeled off and the word JOEY written backwards in chalk. Misbehaving kids would be spanked with it, leaving the word printed the right way round on their arse for the rest of the day.
As with most school insults, ours were based on deriding people for disabilities or homosexuality that they usually didn’t have. There was flid (from thalidomide) and there was remo (from remedial, the lowest ability class in the educational strata).
I like spanner, which perhaps derives from spacker and spastic, but also seems far removed enough – and related to tool enough – to not be offensive. It also has that softer, dismissive tone that dillon has.
Bring back spanner.
August 5th, 2010 - 19:40
Going to school in Northern Ireland for a short while meant I was able to extend my vocabulary with all kinds of insults. My favourites being ‘Spoon’, which was used for any foolish person and ‘Wankstain’, which used for anyone unpleasant.
August 5th, 2010 - 20:04
“Spanner” is brilliantly offensive.
Often used when someone missed a sitter in a game of headers and volleys.
Try it out, call someone a spanner and see how upset they look.
August 5th, 2010 - 22:52
I remember if you thought someone was just making it up you’d “beard”
Well, more like “beeeeaaard”
August 6th, 2010 - 13:58
ah yes
a classic. preferably accompanied by chin rubbing.
August 6th, 2010 - 07:53
“Spanner” was rife at our school. My missus said that her school used the word “Belm” which I’ve never heard of before. Sounds good though.
August 6th, 2010 - 08:09
Digby.
A playground insult derived from the name of the local mental institution.
August 6th, 2010 - 09:19
Pillock. Always a good alternative, and a favourite when I was a young’un. Sadly underused nowadays…
August 6th, 2010 - 10:10
We had “menk”. Matthew Parris is undoubtedly a menk, as well as a spanner and various other forms of crime against practically everybody.
AND he’s a Tory, which should also be a playground insult.
August 6th, 2010 - 11:28
we had “div” as a an insult at school in the 80s – “Barry is such a div!”
it is probably short for something really offensive, but if not bring it back!!
August 6th, 2010 - 13:38
No “dillon”, but we had (amongst others) “doylum” when I was at school in Leeds. That was the late 70s / early 80s though, so it’s bound to have changed…
August 6th, 2010 - 15:25
I like spanner, spoon and pillock very much. Also, as I was a geek when I was 15, “noobsock” sufficed perfectly for implying mild stupidity without actual offensiveness.
August 6th, 2010 - 21:19
The Armando Iannucci Shows created a number of brilliantly inventive insults, my favourite of those being “VILLAGE BRANSON!”
August 7th, 2010 - 15:03
My mother always got pretty inventive with her swearing in the car when we were young. Dillhead was her favourite. I tend to use prat or pillock when I don’t want to be too offensive. Does twat count as non-sweary?
August 9th, 2010 - 18:52
At my school we had “uhblank” which was what you used as a follow-up when you’d delivered a line which left me spectacularly unable to respond. Not me, a kid. Some other kid. When you’d left some other kid (not me) spectacularly unable to respond. Ideally the a should be stretched out to the maximum possible length, viz: “James you’re such a spanner! Uhblaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank!”