In my previous post I called Matthew Parris a 'dillon' for swimming across the Thames in his vest and pants, like he thought it was some kind of good idea or something.
Of course, had he been chopped into tiny pieces by a speedboat or swept out to sea, it would be wrong to call him a dillon, out of respect, if nothing else. But I think it's the perfect kind of insult for someone who's done something terribly thick, but not particularly malicious. I say we bring back dillon. We had 'dillon' at my school, and it worked marvellously well.
Sure, if someone called you a shit, or a cunt, or a twat, or a motherfucker, or a bastard, or a toerag, or all those other things, then that would be annoying. But there's something superb about dillon that I can't put my finger on.
In the comments, Rob reminded me of 'Dime bar', another spectacularly good insult from those days. I think the origin is this particular one of the Harry Enfield TV adverts:
I know I get told off quite often - sometimes correctly, sometimes not - for calling people cunts - or cloacas, in the case of Richard Littlejohn - or using naughty words to describe people. And I don't want to get too Justin Lee Collins about this* but it got me thinking: what other simple but unsweary insults are there from school? I'm not talking about Joey or stuff like that, but the other ones.
In the meantime, I am going to make it my mission to bring 'dillon' back into the mainstream as the insult of choice for a new generation. Let's all do our bit, and in a matter of months you could hear giggling kids calling you a dillon from the local playground, as opposed to the more normal 'arsehole' or 'slag'. That's got to be a worthwhile endeavour, hasn't it?
* I have a vision that one day Justin Lee Collins will go blundering across a car park like an enthusiastic woolly sheepdog, shouting at a TV producer to "bring back Justin Lee Collins, please bring him back, bring him back you bastard!" except there isn't a film crew with him, just an old supermarket trolley and a big bottle of Thunderbird.