1. Adrian Chiles.
The man once memorably described by Stewart Lee as a 'toby jug full of hot piss' has had a miserably bad World Cup. Time was when Chiles was a rather matey counterpoint to the deadly seriousness of the BBC's Match of the Day dourness; now he just looks like a slightly bored lumpy cushion whose one-note schtick has run out of steam. Soon to be shunted onto a GMTV sofa to talk about cookery, diets, celebrities and all kinds of tedious wank instead of football, it's hard to see how the stardust has worn off in so short a space of time.
Chiles was so unappealing, and fronted such a desperately bad ITV effort, that he might as well have presented the final yesterday in his pants and vest - no-one was watching. This despite the rubbishness of the BBC - ITV always manage to go that one notch lower, and even Lineker's hackneyed trash was seen as being superior to Chiles's hackneyed trash. Dark days.
Is it just that anyone moving from BBC to ITV for the bigger bucks and the better break - think Eric and Ernie flopping on ATV, or the Goodies, or well just about anyone really - tarnishes anyone's career? Or is it just the pressure to be funny in those tiny spaces between advert breaks doesn't suit his style? Or is it just that pundits, presenters and analysts have been shown to be shite? Which brings me to number two.
2. Without exception, all pundits, presenters and analysts on TV.
Go on, name me one pundit you looked forward to seeing on telly. One. Just one. No...? No. Of course not, no. Fucking garbage, the lot of them. When they weren't blithely going through the teamsheets at the last minute to see if they'd heard of a Premiership player, they were wrongly predicting the results with a smug certainty reserved for those blokes down the betting shop who end up in grainy CCTV footage throwing chairs through windows when their sure things don't quite come off.
For the likes of Shearer and Hansen, they're like old-school stand-up comedians still going through the same routines they did in the 1970s, unaware that everyone in the audience has seen it. Yes Alan, the defending was scandalous; yes, the other Alan, he's got to hit the target from there. Andy Townsend is just all kinds of diabolical wrong. And then there's Kevin Keegan, a man whose optimism for England, in the face of their inherent shitness, reminds me of an excitable golden retriever with its tongue hanging out, waiting for you to chuck that tennis ball one more time. But they all ended up looking like mugs - unable to tell you what was going on, who was going to win, anything at all.
3. Team England.
Christ, they were bad. Really, hummingly bad. Incapable of putting two passes together. First touch bouncing out for a throw. Slagging off their own fans. Fighting among each other. You'd hope that this would be the prelude for the England management to take a flamethrower to the 'Golden Generation' and start looking to the future. But I don't think they will. Beckham will still be lingering around like Iago, and the same failures will be trundled out for the next set of qualifiers, and we won't learn anything. But somehow that sense of expectation will have returned...
4. Whoever did this graphic.
5. Anyone who advertised anything.
Didn't look too good, those endorsements by players who turned to cack as soon as they entered the southern hemisphere. Still, Messi, Rooney and chums have been laughing all the way to the bank.
I don't want this to turn into an 'ITV were the worst thing in the history of broadcasting ever during this World Cup' piece, but fucking hell. I once tried to watch an entire half an episode of his World Cup show, just to see how bad it was. Christ! I couldn't have done it if I'd nailed myself to the floor - and even then, the pain wouldn't have been enough to distract me from the horror. Corden's ubiquity got to the stage where a device to banish him from the internet had to be invented.
Maybe TV is largely run by Ruperts and Tristrams, and they think Corden is what plebs are like. So they must think we like Corden, because he's one of us. Except it's not a class thing at all - he's just fucking atrocious, in every way, in every sense. Please, for the love of all that's good in the world, for the sake of humanity, don't let him back in four years' time.
7. Interesting football.
I know Spain are apparently 'beautiful' because they can pass in triangles without ever getting the ball anywhere; and yes, compared to England's pisspoorness, they look like veritable footballing giants. But there were so many nervy matches, so many scaredycats unwilling to try and play the ball around a bit, that even pedestrian, ordinary Spain end up looking like geniuses. Where were the cracking games, the 4-3s, the 3-2s, the fightbacks, the comebacks, the dramatic wins, the stunning spectacles? Not really anywhere, and that's a shame.
Honestly, I don't have a vendetta against ITV, but fuck me sideways, that game where Jim Beglin got taken ill was the most gear-grindingly tedious affair ever. You don't see the point of Beglin until he's not there - but he provides a gap where you don't have to listen to Tyldesley for a few seconds. Some readers may be aware of 'pass the gap' games. Beglin's the gap. You don't think you need the gap, until all of a sudden you get more and more desperate for it. But that analogy would imply that Tyldesley is actually anything other than otiose drivel, and he isn't.
9. The Dutch.
Oh dear. I had kind of wanted the Oranje to win the final, to make up for those previous defeats, but they couldn't get the bloody ball in the net, and then went and blamed the ref for booking players who had made horrendous fouls. The blame lies with the Dutch team themselves - for once not kicking lumps out of each other, but taking it out on Spain in the final. It wasn't the 'beautiful passing velvety soft loveliness v ugly brutal Leeds of the 70s' final that a lot of people are saying it was, but still.
10. Sepp Blatter.
Made to look like a dick, as usual, for breezily dismissing the use of technology in football and then having on the same day two clear incidents that showed why its use is obvious in the 21st century. And just generally for being him really.
All other suggestions welcome...