Weatherfearporn!
We British are such a bunch of pussies dicks when it comes to the weather. Anything slightly warmer than a tepid bath and we're all like "Oh my God! We're all gonna die!!!!"; anything slightly colder than a tepid bath and we're all like "Oh my God! We're all gonna die!!!!"; anything drier than a tepid bath and, well, you get the general idea. Essentially, if it's not like a tepid bath outside, we're all at risk of freezing/frying/drowning/drying up to death.
And so, dear friends, to today's Daily Express. While it lacks the snarling at minorities of yesterday's poison-filled slurrybucket of a front page, it still persists with a similar narrative: that of us being under attack!
You can see the weather story and the Abu Hamza story as pretty much the same thing: we're under attack, and there's nothing we can do about it! We can't even extradite HOOK! We're going to fry in the hot weather! There's nothing we can do! Panic! Panic now! Panic soon! Panic quickly! Stay indoors! Don't keep calm and carry on! Panic! PANIC! This isn't just a WARNING, it's a DANGER WARNING! Aaargh!
Hang on, this reminds me of something.
Did 60,000 die in the snow? No. Did gas supplies run out? No. Did the snow chaos prove that global warming was a load of codswallop? Er, no - just as the latest 'heatwave' doesn't prove conclusively that climate change is a reality either (it's a bit more complicated than that, I reckon).
I know Brits are obsessed with the weather, but bloody hell. It's not like it's The Day The Earth Caught Fire (a film which ironically has the Daily Express as the arbiter of quality journalism), is it? Just a couple of nice days. Get a fucking Cornetto, or a 99 with monkey blood and sprinkles, and go out and enjoy yourselves! It's not the end of the world, just as the snow wasn't either!
Enough of this weatherfearporn! A few warm days are something to enjoy, not be afraid of.
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July 9th, 2010 - 14:36
What I love most about this page, what really sets it out as being an Express front page more than anything is, is their insistence on using Fahrenheit – a nonsensical unit of measurement that means very little to anyone under the age of about 40.
July 9th, 2010 - 16:44
90 is a higher number than 28. Therefore, 28 is good, but 90 is bad.
That’s basically how the average Daily Express journalist approaches this.
July 9th, 2010 - 14:38
Sorry, I didn’t have time to read your post because I was dead. DEAD FROM WEATHER
July 9th, 2010 - 14:57
It’s probably the fault of all those mincing homosexuals who are flouncing into the country following the ruling on Wednesday that someone being gay could be used as a reason to avoid deportation.
Or so said a Daily Express editorial this morning. Probably.
July 9th, 2010 - 15:09
“Now Euro Court says We Can’t Extradite Hook”
Silly me, thinking that the court had merely continued the case for further investigation upon which it will hear submissions then issue a final decision in respect of the four persons facing extradition; it appears that, contrary to all other reports, the ECtHR has made its final decision on “Hook”.
Either that or the Express is printing racist bollocks on its front page, anyway.
July 12th, 2010 - 10:54
That doesn’t look anything like Peter Hook.
(Spots line re racist bollocks).
Oh.
July 9th, 2010 - 15:23
The Express rule for temperature headlines is Fahrenheit for high temperatures (=OMG!!!!1 97 degrees! That’s NEARLY 100!!!!11) and Celsius for low ones (=OMG!!!!11 MINUS 5 degrees! That’s LESS THAN ZERO!!111).
July 9th, 2010 - 16:03
Said the editor from his air conditioned office. Having arrived to work in his air conditioned car. Air conditioned, ARMOUR PLATED car, should I say. For, obviously, he needs protection against all the gays and hooky handed muslims trying to clamber into his cool ride.
July 9th, 2010 - 18:02
By their own logic they should now be sub-headlining with “So maybe they were right about global warming after all then. Silly fucking us.”
July 10th, 2010 - 11:42
I don’t get it. Why aren’t they apologising and admitting that global warming is obviously real because it’s hot today? It wasn’t real when it was cold one day in winter.
July 12th, 2010 - 14:42
He he he Weatherporn reminds me about Charlie Brooker’s item in Newswipe about the winter panic and the grit crisis where he moaned about the constant stream of pictures of snough ploughs: ” There were boring ploughs, sexy ploughs.. etc”
Good point Joe, by the way…
July 12th, 2010 - 18:06
The key is “by their own logic”. No-one else believed it in the first place, as you say. But if they’re hanging their hat on the no global warming peg because we had a couple of cold weeks, they can’t then claim that a few hot days are irrelevant. Or rather they can, and we will laugh at their dismal standards as usual.