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We’re absolutely fucking clueless, admit football pundits

BRITAIN'S football pundits have released a statement condemning their own ignorance and lack of insight, and have offered their immediate resignation.

In a surprise move that echoes the admission of pointlessness expressed by political reporters during the recent general election, the pundits have contributed a joint statement bemoaning their "feeble and tedious" analysis, regretting their "inexcusable lack of knowledge" and "ridiculously limited assessments of teams."

The statement, issued on behalf of all of those chirpy but clueless former professional footballers and their TV presenter friends who have shed not a fucking bit of light on this year's World Cup for British TV viewers, begins: "We, the undersigned, may have tried to give the impression that we knew anything about football, and international football in particular, ahead of this year's World Cup.

"In truth, we now realise that other than watching some Premiership games and maybe the odd bit of La Liga on Sky Sports, we've got no better knowledge that anyone at home. Indeed, anyone with the most rudimentary researching skills probably knows a bit more about world football than we do.

"We had hoped to bluff our way through our crushingly inexcusable ignorance with a bit of chat and some accurate predictions, but since we all smugly sat there and said that a Brazil-Argentina final was almost inevitable, we're a bit fucked when it comes to that fig-leaf, if truth be told.

"Sure, we're ex-professionals, but instead of actually doing our well-paid job and doing some proper research into world football, we just sat around joking about what a funny thing it was that nations like Japan and Paraguay dared to even play football in the first place, as well as patronising all the African teams as much as humanly possible, then expecting that a bunch of players from the English Premiership, the Best League In The World (tm), would find their way into the final, because we'd heard of them.

"We now realise this was not as professional as it could have been.

"Yes, we did some slow-motion replays of goals with exciting graphics and so on, but this, if anything, exposed our lack of insight all the further. It still didn't shed any light on why one team might be playing better than the other.

"With a heavy heart and after a lot of soul-searching, we now ask that we be relieved of our duties immediately by our employers, and our salaries given instead to some bloke from down the pub called Jeff who's actually heard of players outside the Premiership and understands that there are leagues in Europe and South America as well as the famous ones."

A BBC spokesman added: "We did think that viewers appreciated these millionaires being flown out to South Africa and not doing even the most basic of research for their well-paid jobs, but apparently, for some reason, they don't."

An ITV insider said: "Look, we've got the best theme music and some nice graphics. We've blown the rest of the budget on Moon Face Chiles so there wasn't any cash for people who'd actually bothered to fucking learn something about international football. You'll just have to make do with shit like Chris Coleman, all right?"

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