The amazing psychic powers of Closer magazine
I don't often write about those brightly-coloured magazines you see forlornly scattered and dogeared on dentists' waiting room tables - I'd rather spend an afternoon looking up the goatse man's arsehole or gazing at the exploded entrails of a recently-run-over badger - but the front cover of Closer magazine this week really caught my eye:
You'll see from the headline at the bottom that Cheryl has apparently cracked and turned to a psychic to help - next to a photo of her looking pensive, possibly wondering whether she's left the iron on, or, more probably, why there's some bastard with a fucking enormous camera following her around everywhere she fucking goes, whether she likes it or not, wondering whether she'll ever be able to have a normal life again, forlornly recalling those times when she could pretty much exist like a normal person without men with enormous fucking cameras chasing her around, taking pictures of her looking slightly pensive so they can be placed next to complete cobblers about her calling in a psychic for some bloody reason or other. But if she did call in a psychic, I wonder why she didn't just ask Closer magazine instead, seeing as they can actually look inside people's brains.
The bit I'm talking about is the bright yellow stuff next to Charlotte Church - and a photo of her on a holiday - or HEARTBREAK HOLIDAY as it's described. (Don't know about you, but I wouldn't go on a heartbreak holiday myself. Think I'd probably prefer a Warner Mini Break. Or a night in Prestatyn. Fuck it, even half an hour in a Travelodge would be better than a Heartbreak Holiday.) Now it's not a heartbreak holiday because she's trying to relax on a beach, but knows there's some cunt on a boat / in some bushes / hiding somewhere else with a massive camera taking pictures of her in a bikini so that mags like this can take the piss out of her bingo wings, or tits, or whatever it is about her body that's too fat / too thin this time around. No, it's because of her recent relationship split.
And look, she's comforting herself with cigs and white wine! Imagine that! An adult human being drinking alcohol - white fucking wine, at that - and smoking cigarettes. Jesus! Call social services! Call the police! Human being in "drinks and smokes" shock! Not just that, though. Not only do we know, somehow, that Church is drinking and smoking to comfort herself on her Heartbreak Holiday, but:
Secretly fears: "Who'll have me now?"
What the hell...? I wonder why the scientific community haven't been informed of the powers of Closer magazine to get inside someone's brain, just by looking at long-lens paparazzi pictures of them while they're on vacation, and find out what they're secretly fearing. Not just fearing - I mean that would be amazing enough a breakthrough, to be able to pinpoint someone else's emotions - but secretly fearing. Secretly! Just by looking at a picture of someone on a beach, you can tell what they're secretly fearing, Closer magazine? Bloody hell!
Maybe next week's Closer will have a picture of me, sat at my keyboard typing this, snapped by someone who's sneaked onto the roof of the building opposite. VOWL COMFORTS HIMSELF WITH COKE ZERO AND A FUCKING TWIX! VOWL GETS OVER LUNCHBREAK MISERY WITH BLOG WRITING AND MAYBE A CUP OF COFFEE OR SOMETHING ROUND ABOUT THREEISH!
Or even VOWL SECRETLY THINKS CLOSER MAGAZINE IS A CROCK OF FUCKING MADE-UP BULLSHIT!
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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June 30th, 2010 - 13:22
You’re an angry man, Anton.
Good stuff.
June 30th, 2010 - 13:28
People buy it – that’s the really tragic thing.
June 30th, 2010 - 13:50
Great article. I do not understand why these magazines, whose readership is 99.99% female, hate women so much.
Then again, given that they hate women so much, I also don’t understand why so many women buy them.
June 30th, 2010 - 13:51
Gah – blog post, not article. Great, anyway.
June 30th, 2010 - 13:55
This types of magazines are only to be read during a six weekly visit to the hairdressers. More frequently than that I fear that my head might explode with too many ‘exclusives’, I just might develop an eating disorder in sympathy with Victoria, Nicole et al or my eyes will burn out looking at too many images of SJP fashion shoots. One I read this morning (coincidently during my six weekly visit to the hairdressers) seemed to consist totally of pages dedicated to Charlotte’s marriage breakdown, each page covered in images of her at various sizes. Total codswallop! Women should demand something less insulting to their intelligence.
June 30th, 2010 - 14:35
This is like crack for teh wimminz, apparently.
Note how each headline on the front page breeds fear (much like the Daily Fail):
“I’ll risk my life…”
“I’m afraid this marriage…”
“New health fears…”
“Cheryl cracks…”
“Heartbreak…”
“Celebrity anguish over absence of fear in life and lack of exposure in Closer magazine…”
Anyone who believes this crap or even actually reads it must be certifiably insane. Certainly those people I see on the tube reading it often don’t look like the happiest of souls.
June 30th, 2010 - 16:24
“VOWL COMFORTS HIMSELF WITH COKE ZERO AND A FUCKING TWIX!”
This is by far the greatest upper-case sentence I’ve read today.
June 30th, 2010 - 19:11
This week/this month/this year
June 30th, 2010 - 19:14
Coke Zero… AND a Twix you say? Dear God man, I’m worried for your sanity! You may well be secretly wondering if Closer will ever offer you a job after this post…
Then again…
July 1st, 2010 - 06:05
I live with someone who buys it and reads Closer. This behaviour worries me. On the one hand, she doesn’t take it too seriously. Rather than boiling about the psychic quote sardonically mocked herein, she laughs at shit like that. She thinks the people who write for Closer treats its readers like thicky ars’oles, but the last larf is on them. She doesn’t read this shit uncritically. At the same time, she’s a woman with fairly typical female body image issues, which leads to some heated discussions about the impact of this rag on her own head.
In response to your piece, I think many celebrities make a great deal of money out of their fame alone and/or have chosen an occupation that involves being in the public spotlight. Some even give revealing interviews and take cash for letting people take pictures of their private homes. Whilst the excesses of glossy trash like Closer turns my stomach, my sympathy for their famous victims is limited. They could always get a proper job, like everyone else. THAT would put Closer out of business tomorrow.
July 2nd, 2010 - 15:56
But if, say, singing, or acting, or whatever, is what someone wants to do with their lives, why should they be forced to put up with shit like this? The ones that do give interviews or accept cash for photos are wilfully entering into this whole business, but most do nothing of the sort – they’re just pursuing their chosen career, which is as much of a “proper job” as anything else. Success in these fields necessarily involves performing in the public eye, but that doesn’t mean they should relinquish the right to a private life outside of work.
July 1st, 2010 - 12:28
Secretly fears: “Who’ll have me now?”????
Of course she doesn’t!
I’ve suffered my share of breakups and it’s either, ‘glad I got rid of that loser!’ or, ‘damn, where I can I get another’ and in the meantime, I’m out with the girls having a great time (which generally, you don’t have with a bloke in tow).
Do they put words in the celeb’s mouths or what? All bollocks.
Why do women buy these rags? I once sat for three hours in the hairdressers whilst daughter had her hair straightened and I was finally driven out of boredom to read one of these. I don’t think I’ve recovered yet.