My 10-point plan to save English football
A lot has been written about the failures of the England football team, specifically what went wrong and who we can blame. Not enough has been said, in my opinion, about what can be done to rescue England from another tournament travesty in two years' time (if we're lucky enough to qualify) or four years' time (ditto). So I've decided to grasp the nettle and come up with a plan. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments...
1. Learn to pass the fucking ball properly. Passing is a good way of getting the ball from one player to another. A lot of football teams - ones which pundits will bewilderingly describe as being 'not as good on paper as England' - like doing this, and they can do it rather well. Passes are good when they go to someone on your team, and not someone on the other team. Special note for Steven Gerrard: Passes don't necessarily have to be raking 60-yard crossfield balls. If you've got a friend you'd like to pass to just a few feet away, why not let him have a bash with the ball for a bit?
2. Taxi for Beckham. How many times did the camera cut to Nonpreciousmetalballs Beckham grimacing away making vague sex faces during the World Cup? Did we really need to see him all the time? Sure, there was a time when Good Old Becks would get us out of a hole with a well-taken free-kick, but that time's gone. I hate to say it of someone the same age as me, but he's past it, and slow, and can't tackle. Saying 'thanks but no thanks' was a good move from Steve McClaren, one of his better decisions. Sure, he's an ambassadorial figure, etc etc, good for the lad and I know he's worked hard, but he's not a good enough footballer to be in the team on merit; and certainly not a good enough coach to be in the coaching staff on merit.
3. Drop players who are playing like shit. It seems an obvious enough move, doesn't it? But we're back at Beckham again here for this one, in a lot of ways. When he was top dog, there was no way he was ever going to be dropped, regardless of how badly he was playing. "Ah, but it's Becks," people would say. "Look at what he's done in the past, you can't drop a player of that class." You can, and should, if he's lumbering around like he's in a suit of armour. For Beckham then, read Rooney now. How many inept first touches, hopeless bits of control and feeble attempts on goal does it take to bring it home? "Ah, but it's Rooney, look at what he did for Manchester United several months ago." I couldn't give a shit! If he's not delivering in an England shirt, get him on the plane home.
4. Stop hoofing it up there like some bloody kind of non-league centre back trying to clear the ball into the allotments. A little hoof every now and then is understandable; resorting to lumping the ball skywards every 10 seconds when a midfielder isn't immediately available just seems a little bit on the lazy side. And yes, Peter Crouch is tall, and yes, Emile Heskey is good at winning knock-downs; but Jesus Christ, how many goals do England actually score from speculative punts that go miles in the air? And yet, we never learn.
5. Furthermore, any parent standing on a touchline telling his child to whack the ball miles upfield at the earliest opportunity should be taken away and beaten to death, then hung in a barbed-wire basket at the entrance to the little league playing fields, as a warning to others. It's only right and proper.
6. Realise that we don't deserve to win anything. We're fucking well England, not Brazil. We won the World Cup once. Once! And it was 44 years ago. In the meantime, while everyone else has learned to play football, we've stood still and kept our fingers crossed that somehow everything will suddenly slot into place. It's not going to just happen. There is not and was never a Golden Bloody Generation. Winning tournaments means hard work, skilled players and a bit of luck. We're just hoping for a bit of luck.
7. Stop defending like twats. Again, this may seem an obvious point to make, but apparently not. While many other nations have realised the importance of stopping goals from going in, we haven't. It might make for an exciting Premiership to see goals whistling in from all angles every few minutes, but it's not so good when your national side's matches deserve to be replayed to the Benny Hill theme tune.
8. If you're told to play somewhere, fucking play there. Don't grumble behind closed doors about how you think you'd be better off somewhere else. Have a word with the boss if you're peeved, then if he won't change his mind accept the decision and play your heart out. You're in the immensely privileged position of playing international football and representing your homeland on the world stage - yet you want to whimper about how you reckon you'd be much better off in another position. Here's another position for you - on the fucking subs bench. Better still, watching the match on the 50ft cinema screen in your enormous mansion. See how you like that.
9. Don't slag off your own fans. You might be used to undying adulation at your club side, but those are people who've been on a coach from Surrey for five hours to come up and watch you play in Manchester or Liverpool. They're just happy to be there. They'd be happy if you jogged up and down the touchline, or wore a funny hat. England fans are even more loyal to the cause - they can't choose to support Brazil just because they're the best team, like a lot of your fans choose to follow your club because they want success and can't bear the thought of having to deal with defeat. We love you, honestly we do. But don't play like shit and then get the hump. Try scoring some goals. Or playing like you're not some overweight plumber turning out in Sunday League with a hangover. That might help smooth things over.
10. Don't raise our hopes. Please, if you're going to be cack in a tournament, just play that way in the qualifying campaign so we can have some warning about it. Don't go looking pretty competent during qualification, lulling us into that foolish idea that you might actually be quite good this time, then turn to shit at the first kick when it really matters. Just be consistent. Consistently good would be nice; consistently shit would be less preferable, but at least it would be consistent.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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June 29th, 2010 - 15:44
11) Be Scotland. It’s sort of cooler.
June 29th, 2010 - 16:18
11) Try and recognise that football players are football players…not just another branch of the entertainment/celeb industry who therefore need to have the shit paparazeed out of them everytime they step out of the door – none of which could be particularly good for morale.
June 29th, 2010 - 17:59
Frankly, this is bollocks. We’re talking about top class footballers here.
Football like any sport is about confidence. If a top class footballer isn’t confident about where he’s playing that’s a fucking BIG problem that should be listened to.
Telling them to get on with it and be a man isn’t very good man management.
Capello is the second “top coach” who thinks it’s a good idea to put decent players out on the left where they don’t play and probably can’t play.
That’s why the best footballer of his generation – Paul Scholes – walked out on England. Basically because cowardly “top coaches” haven’t got the balls to make big decisions and drop big name central midfielders.
Capello, like Ericsson before him, for all the claims made about him wouldn’t drop one of Lampard and Gerrard and bring in a specialist left winger/midfielder.
Like he wouldn’t substitute Rooney at half-time against Algeria.
You can’t blame the players for weak, press and sponsor obsessed managers.
June 30th, 2010 - 09:30
Yes we’re talking about supposedly top-class footballers. If Gerrard can only play in one position then he doesn’t fall into that category.
June 30th, 2010 - 10:57
Are you joking?? Seriously, i enjoy your posts on the media and things you actually know about, but this is ridiculous. That’s effectively the same as saying ‘Yeah, Messi’s ok, but he’s too small to be a decent centre-back’. There is no question that Gerrard is one of the best footballers in the world when he plays just behind a striker, and just because a manager wants to play him on the left, that doesn’t make him bad. Is Fabregas bad because he’s a centre mid who can’t play on the wings? I won’t accept the response that you aren’t saying he’s bad, because that’s beside the point. Gerrard IS a top-class footballer. This also links to another point I disagree with, namely, your assertion that, ‘It doesn’t need to be a raking 60 yard crossfield ball’. You’re a great blogger, but a terrible, terrible football analyst. This is essentially exactly what you complain about in your post on robert green, in that bashing of the players by the media is a bad thing. Just because your circulation is smaller, does not mean you cannot be guilty of the same sins.
June 30th, 2010 - 11:46
Not joking, no.
June 30th, 2010 - 11:27
I’ve seen him play everywhere except in goal and left back.
He ‘can’ do it and that’s fine when you’ve got the likes of Alonso and Mascherano keeping you out of the middle, England haven’t got that level of quality in the centre.
June 30th, 2010 - 11:18
I think you’re the one that’s talking bollocks. The team I support doesn’t have any “top class footballers”, and in fact has a squad slightly too small for the job at hand. Thus, it’s not unusual to see a player turning out in a position they’re not accustomed to – the season before last, we had to play a left-winger at right back for the last couple of games.
These players play where they’re asked to play because they’re professional footballers, and their job description includes doing what the team requires to the best of their ability. “Top class footballers” are allegedly better than these honest journeymen, so why can’t they do the same?
June 29th, 2010 - 18:01
11) Let someone younger have a go. Carragher I’m looking at you.
June 30th, 2010 - 11:00
Idiocy. How many games did he actually play for England? Also, who would you bring instead? Smalling? Curtis Davies? Think before you spew your drivel all over the internet.
July 7th, 2010 - 09:11
“How many games did he actually play for England?” – Müller played two times for Germany before the World Cup started. Just saying.
June 30th, 2010 - 12:06
In fairness to Carragher, it’s not his fault he was on the plane. He wasn’t beating down Capello’s door begging for another international chance – he was asked to come out of international retirement to help the cause.
June 29th, 2010 - 18:42
What a cocking brilliant blog. My thoughts exactly! The majority of the England team are oversexed and overpaid. Capello should get rid of the lot and start again. Bunch of no-marks. Back to basics and we’ll see you in 4 years.
June 30th, 2010 - 11:04
I wonder what this page would look like if Capello had chosen not to bring Rooney, Terry, Cole, Lampard, Johnson, Gerrard, etc. who did so well in qualification, to pick a team of mid-table nobodys who would have crashed out in the group stages. I don’t want it to look like I’m trolling, there are just a number of issues I have to address on this page.
June 30th, 2010 - 14:36
Nobody’s saying they shouldn’t be in the squad, but Rooney was obviously playing badly from the start but because he’s considered undroppable nothing was done. A player shouldn’t be undroppable.
June 30th, 2010 - 14:49
And they crashed out at the stage after the group stages anyway!
June 29th, 2010 - 19:10
Vowl, I love you. I really do.
June 29th, 2010 - 23:16
12) If you, your agent or anyone else remotely associated with you has ever talked about your “brand” then don’t even think about stepping on to the field. You are almost certainly a centre back under the delusion that your one fatal mistake per game is somehow offset by playing OK for the other 89 minutes and the hosting of “Wind-up” DVDs.
(OK not entirely relevant to the world cup just gone, but relevant to fixing England)
June 30th, 2010 - 09:12
In other news, David Blaine is reportedly furious after finding out that his 41-day record for doing fuck-all in a box has been beaten by Wayne Rooney.
June 30th, 2010 - 10:03
13) If you ARE lucky enough to be paid up to £60m per annum and be selected to represent your country in a quadrennial competition, and you then fail to do so to any degree of success; don’t expect to remain employed when you come back home afterwards.
If I fuck up at work and a couple of people call me out, I feel a bit bad. If it’s brought to the attention of a wider circle, I question my own ability to to my job. If I fucked up in front of the entire country, I’d realise that I’m not actualy all that and quit.
June 30th, 2010 - 11:38
In regards to 3), please see Spain v Portugal. Torres playing shit, bring Torres off and shove in some big fucker, score goal, make Ronaldo have a strop (always funny).
June 30th, 2010 - 12:16
Gerrard (and Lampard), to name but two, are simply not the World class players the media claim they are. A world class player can play where he is told and still excel. Look at David Villa for example, who spent most of the match wide left against Portugal, yet still played a blinder, scored one and could have had at least one more.
June 30th, 2010 - 14:48
11- Sing your heart out during the national anthem – ie show some pride and spirit
12- Be capable of at least beating the first defender at corner and free-kicks —in the 2 to 3 weeks together maybe even try and master something creative
13 – If Argentina can have Maradonna as manager – I want Gazza for England – Cantona for France – Di Canio for Italy
14 – Fans to travel with team on team bus to games- fans to be chosen by lottery from the England Supporters Club – and instructed to remind the players
what it is all about
June 30th, 2010 - 19:59
Re. previous comment. Never got the idea that singing the anthem meant you were full of pride and passion, and thus presumably not singing means otherwise? You can still despise the idea of monarchy and want to represent your country…
June 30th, 2010 - 21:30
AV deftly sidestepped the most glaring reason for the failure of the national team, the proverbial elephant behind the sofa: there are too many bloody foreigners in in the Premier League!
After a little Statto-ing with the 2009-10 squad lists on Wikipedia, my calculator talls me that only around 250 (38%) of the 660-odd players in the first-team squads of the twenty EPL clubs are eligible to play for the national teams. Further inspection reveals that the great majority of eligible players are fringe or squad players and not regular starters. Some clubs (eg Stoke, Villa, Wolves) do have reasonable numbers of English players, but the big four have in total less that 25% (Arsenal, ludicrously, just 4 in a 30-strong squad).
Therein lies the kernel of the problem, and if Capello is to stay, the greatest service he can render his adopted country is to place this scandal under the spotlight and stimulate a change in culture. A good place to start would be to radically modify the ownership structure of the EPL and its constiuent members.
July 1st, 2010 - 14:28
That’s a lazy excuse, and ignores the 70s and 80s, when England were even more dismal for most of that period and there were no foreign players really in the First Division.
July 1st, 2010 - 18:40
The 70s/80s are not really comparable to today since the social role of football has also changed dramatically in all sorts of ways since those days. What used to be a tribal contest ith appeal to mainly working-class males has been transformed into a branch of the entertainment industry.
However, the influx of foreign players has not even assisted in sustained success for English clubs in European competition. During the 18 seasons from 1968 to 1985, English clubs won 24 of the 54 European trophies, including 8 European Cups, more than any other country.
Since the inception of the Premier League in 1992 (which also opened the foreign floodgates) English clubs have won a paltry 6 of the 47 available European trophies. English clubs have appeared in the Champions League final seven times (3 wins) but only 26 of the 96 players fielded (incl subs) have been eligible for England selection.
July 1st, 2010 - 19:45
Not really comparable? Since 1970 England (with a few exceptions) haven’t really impressed much in major tournaments, there’s no correlation at all with foreign players being over here and how England do. As for the idea that foreign players are the reason for English clubs not doing so well in Europe – ha! Maybe it’s more to do with the rest of Europe catching up and the concentration of wealth in the English game meaning there’s now only two or three teams good enough to win a European trophy, whereas in the 70s and 80s teams like Nottingham Forest and Ipswich Town could get success.
When English players aren’t horrendously overpriced (and often overrated), then Arsenal (and Chelsea and anyone else) will start buying some.
July 1st, 2010 - 21:17
The apologia usually cited for the ‘success’ of the EPL, and by implication the presence of so many foreign players, is the supposed advantage that brings to English clubs in competing at the highest level.
The statistics clearly give the lie to this since the performance of English clubs since the EPL came into being has been particularly dismal. Foreign players have in truth added nothing to the game at the club level and have only served to stifle opportunities for young home-grown players.
As for Arsenal and Chelsea (and Liverpool), they have done absolutely nothing to nurture English players through their own youth systems. This is a scandal which has its root in the ownership structure of the EPL and the clubs.