Rentaprick
Hi! In these busy credit crunch times, it's not always easy to get some prick onto the TV when you need to. Well worry no longer, because Rentaprick now offers a selection of self-important wittering talking-head cockwipes to liven up any debate, at a moment's notice.
Need some dick to come on and ruin a perfectly rational education debate by appointing himself as an expert on schooling? No problems, we'll bring you just the guy you need
to turn an otherwise interesting discussion into a self-absorbed pile of nauseating claptrap, devoid of any interest or intelligence.
We're just a phone call away. Whatever your needs - whethere you require some loud-mouthed pain in the arse to come barking along about how they're so much cleverer than you
or you just want a tedious nonentity to jabber on about their awful trolling views
we have a range of pricks to suit any budget, any time. Within seconds of your call, a motorcycle courier will pick up any miserable wankstain you need to fill a chair on a debate show, turning it from something that could provide genuine insight
into the same old jowly faces barking away at each other, reducing all debate to a series of smug wanky yaps that add nothing whatsoever to anyone's understanding.
But don't take our word for it. Listen to this testimonial from a satisfied client, Mr X of the BBC's Annoyingly Pointless Talking About Stuff Department:
"Sometimes it's late in the day, and for whatever reason you need someone so lacking in depth and yet so provocatively antagonistic that you end up wanting to headbutt the TV screen and then carve a great big X on your face with the broken glass, to remind yourself of the pain. Rentaprick can do that. With just one quick call, they sent me a complete cock who managed to wreck an otherwise worthy but unpleasantly cerebral debate, rendering it into a pulverised mess of shouty imbecile comments, instead of anything remotely approaching wit or insight. Job done. Sure, there are programmes that want celebrities who can actually offer something to the viewer - but not us. We just want the same old bunch of wankers making everything pointlessly repetitive and hateful. And let me assure you that Rentaprick can do just that."
Call us NOW. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We can destroy any legitimate discussion with a self-important prick who is mystifyingly invited back time and time again, despite never providing any meaningful contribution whatsoever. All we ask in return is that you slaughter a goat, drink the fresh blood from a silver cup, and join us in a mass for Satan himself. What could be fairer than that? Exactly. Those Question Time seats aren't going to warm themselves, my friends...
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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June 21st, 2010 - 13:58
Loved it! Thanks. Can we add Quentin Letts and Matthew Wright?
June 21st, 2010 - 15:34
At least Matthew Wright stood up to Carole Malone when she tried to brand all youth as knife wieldding hoodies, on at least a couple of occasions. Stuck right in her craw I can tell you.
That’s got to count for something at least.
June 21st, 2010 - 16:45
I have to say I don’t think The Wright Stuff is that bad, though I can understand why some loathe Mathew Wright. In Mathew Wright’s defense, he does regularly stand up to – and cut off – callers who start chatting uninformed nonsense on his show. He’s just too polite to do it to his actual guests!
June 21st, 2010 - 14:03
Thunderous Applause.
June 21st, 2010 - 14:04
Mr Vowl
Yet again I find that we concur on things. Since when did enabling your wife to have 4 children make you an education expert? Mr Young, could you please let me, and others, know who will run your so-called ‘free’ school when your offspring have flown the education tree? What happens if you don’t like running a school? Also, when will the ‘free’ school advocates admit that a system that works well in countries where most people pay between 50 – 80% tax possibly isn’t one that will work here? Just as there are people who maintain that nuclear weapons aren’t for those countries that haven’t had a full industrial revolution and a democratic government, there are those of us who feel that the system of true free schools shouldn’t be made available to those not prepared to pay more income tax, and actually work at improving what we already have. Which is, after all, something that many in the world envy and emulate.
So there.
June 21st, 2010 - 14:23
Where Is Lowri Turner on this list – oh and that blubbering mass of lard Simon Heffer??
June 21st, 2010 - 15:36
or Amanda Platell, Carole Malone, Anton Du Beke, Dominic Holland, or Nick fucking Ferrari.
June 21st, 2010 - 15:33
I am THIS close to actually making a serious genuine complaint (ie poe faced whining rant from someone they will ignore) to the BBC about how fucking much that cunt MacKenzie is on their shows. I am sick to death of the bloody BBC pandering to the idea that rational debate has to be hijkacked by these rentagobs.
Also to comment on the shocking rise to prominence of Toby fucking Young (the posh Mitchell brother in the first photo, i think that’s his name). He really is a prize twat artist.
I’m seriously seriously fucked off with this. Why does every tv debate have to be destroyed by their presence. is it too much to ask for to have a genuine proper debate. I can’t count the number of times i’ve seen that poncey pretentious cunt in the last fortnight – and to invite Katie fucking hopkins onto Question Time (yes im aware of the fact it’s Question Time), a media construct programmed to worship Thatcher, ffs!
June 21st, 2010 - 21:03
That Toby Young pic makes him look like a nervous, overdressed Wayne Rooney.
June 22nd, 2010 - 10:07
If I were Wayne Rooney right now, I’d be nervous too…
June 22nd, 2010 - 05:48
You could make a serious living running an agency like this, especially if you divided your clients into A-celebrity pricks, B-celebrity pricks, and so forth, down to Z. The final letter of the alphabet could include my neighbour who watches porn with his curtains open so the teenage girl living opposite can see him standing naked in front of the TV etc, or my other neighbour who tells people in the pub he controls our street “coz their scared of me and my family”, despite the fact his 5 year old son ignores his every word. Fuckwittery isn’t unique to the famous, after all.
June 22nd, 2010 - 08:21
I so loved your selection, am grieved that rent-a-mouths earn money by spouting off. I do quite like Matthew Wright, his show at least does have some interesting people on it but suffer when loud, opinionated bores are wheeled out because they can be relied on the speak the unspeakable and unreasonable…..
June 22nd, 2010 - 08:26
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Hating-Kelvin-MacKenzie/256121164313
June 22nd, 2010 - 11:05
Anyone got a number of the bbc handy. I really am in the mood to complain at their constant hiring of popular rentatwunts.