Random election morning emissions
Ugh. The brave new blue dawn. Enjoying it yet? I stayed up till about 3.30am, which was quite a feat of endurance by any stretch, given that last night appeared to be a competition between the TV channels to see who could get the most odious cunts on screen - at one time I swear I went through a chain of hatefulness from Eric Pickles to Ken Clarke to Paul Staines to Rod Liddle all in the space of a few clicks of the remote. It got to the stage where I started praying for a Go Compare advert to come on so I wouldn't feel like hurling an empty beer bottle at the telly so much. And Alistair Stewart saying everything was 'Fascinating' like Spock looking in his monitor at a new planet. No, it wasn't fascinating. It was fucking terrifying. All of it. All of them. And now I've got a Tory MP this morning, to add to everything. Fuck.
Here, then, are some random thoughts as we speed hurtling towards hung parliament at best, Conservative overall majority still a possibility.
1. Isn't it a terribly British to see people queueing, then arguing about queueing?
I saw a lovely queue on my way home from work last night of people trying to vote. Marvellous scenes, I thought. And there's something that feels so right about polling stations being unprepared by a high turnout, not being able to cope, then blaming people for daring to want to exercise their democratic right, then arguing about petty rules to people, then leaving everyone with a vague sense of pissedoffness. Perfect. Those voters who couldn't make it to the ballot box have a sense of disappointment, frustration and powerlessness this morning. But then again, so do many of us who did vote. So, swings and roundabouts. But surely, if you're in a queue at 10pm you should be allowed to vote? Isn't that common sense in this PCBrigadegawnmadisitelfnsafetyIalwaysgetemconfused land of ours?
2. Rod Liddle is a cunt.
I know this isn't a revelation to any of you. I shouldn't be mean and mock his physical appearance - though yes, all right, if you insist, he looks like a five-day-old bloated corpse that's been found floating in a pond by a jogger - but it really takes an epic kind of prick to make Derek Hatton not the most loathsome person in a room. I watched the election night Come Dine With Me, as many did, with that dawning realisation that no, it's not some kind of grumpy literary persona; he really is a deeply unpleasant turd.
3. No-one knows anything.
Seriously, no-one knows anything about anything. I watched, and watched, and watched, the BBC and ITN coverage, waiting for someone to try and unravel it all. But no-one could. It was one of those times when the 'experts' tried to avoid eye contact with the anchors, for fear of being asked to explain stuff they really couldn't explain, and just gazed off into the distance. The Beeb and ITV had men sat at desks whose entire job seemed to be to stare off into space and not do anything all night. No-one knows anything. I know as much as you do. But you know nothing. Because I know nothing. But, comfortingly I think, they know nothing. So we're all in the same boat, heading off the waterfall, together.
4. 'Mandate' just sounds like a 1970s shower gel.
And for all I know, it might have been. I am too tired and emotional to Google it. Every time I see a politician on TV mention 'mandate' I get the image of a soaped-up man's torso in the shower. Maybe you do as well. Maybe you get that image all the time. Maybe you like it. I'm not so sure. I think I just want a big strong man to hold me and tell me it's all going to be all right. Can you do that for me? I'm frightened. Tell me it's going to be all right, big strong 1970s shower man. Tell me.
5. Our voting system is a crock of shit.
It's too early to declare every result at this stage, but even if the Tories do manage to scrape an overall majority they will have got 100% of the power with 36-odd% of the popular vote. If you think that's fine, kill yourself. Do it now, before I get upset with you. This is insane. Don't say "I didn't hear you complaining when Labour won in 1997" because I wasn't writing this then, and besides, I thought the voting system was shite then, so I've got every right to complain, so fuck you, contrarian know-it-all fuckwipe, all right? We're a fucking laughing stock. If we're not a fucking laughing stock, we should be. Except I don't find it funny.
6. At least Philippa Stroud didn't get in.
Well done, Sutton & Cheam, my one-time home town, for rejecting Philippa Stroud. But you know it's a bleak day when you're scratching around for crumbs of comfort like that and getting vaguely pleased that people you didn't want to win didn't win. I suppose we do have a Green MP today as well, so that's something. Like an undamaged bottle of duty free Malibu you find in the aircraft wreckage. It's not perfect, but I'll take what I can get.
7. Manchester City couldn't buy the Premiership.
And it seems that despite the millions of Lord Ashcroft, the Tories might - just - fail to buy the election. This comforts me in some ways, but then I start thinking, well, it's not so comforting to think that a billionaire can come in and splash untold riches on endless bloody leaflets, billboard adverts and signs at a time of economic crisis, especially when the party he wants to win will be sticking as many people as possible on the dole in the coming few years. Doesn't it seem, oh I don't know, a bit vulgar or something?
8. Now it's going to get nasty.
If there is a hung parliament, it's going to get nasty. The pressure from the press will be intense on Gordon Brown to resign. If, on the other hand, the Tories do get in, well, it's going to get nasty.
9. A lot of this is going to be obsolete in a couple of hours' time.
But I don't give a shit. I'm just writing whatever little maggots come crawling out of my brain tissue. All the coffee in the world won't save me this morning.
10. Who wants to get wrecked?
Look, I'm not going to pretend to have any insight other than "Fuck, this doesn't look good." So I'll go with that for now. Who wants to get wrecked on cheap booze all day and then end up sleeping in a skip, hoping this horrible feeling of dread is going to go away. Who's with me? I said, who's with me??!?!?!
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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May 7th, 2010 - 07:03
Not to mention that, while we are stuck in this farce, the markets are nose diving around the planet. It’s like a perfect storm for social meltdown. Christ knows what is going to happen in the next few weeks.
May 7th, 2010 - 07:36
‘Like an undamaged bottle of duty free Malibu you find in the aircraft wreckage.’ that’s beautiful writing on a far from pretty morning…
May 7th, 2010 - 08:22
Re: point 10 – Me! Me!
May 7th, 2010 - 08:30
I’ve got a Tory, too. But then, the choice between (1) the incumbent Shahid ‘Prevent is a good idea because they made me a minister even tho’ it craps on my own community big-style’ Malik and (2) some unknown Barrister Tory wasn’t a choice. It’s like being asked to choose which passing dysentry victims’ turds you want to be force fed. I voted Green.
May 7th, 2010 - 08:35
“Who wants to get wrecked on cheap booze all day and then end up sleeping in a skip, hoping this horrible feeling of dread is going to go away. Who’s with me? I said, who’s with me??!?!?!”
Might as well make a pleasure out of an inevitability. I’ll be down on t’next donkey.
If we get a Tory government, I reckon the Euro will crumble and the EU will seriously weaken. The Euro is being propped up by a weak pound in the wake of last night’s uncertainty, but a Tory ‘victory’ (no matter how shallow) might prop it up. Greece are making no secret of their desire to dump it so they can control their currency valuation. Add to that Cameron’s known antipathy to EU democracy. And the EU. And democracy…
Man the lifeboats.
May 7th, 2010 - 08:41
There was an awful 70s/80s after shave called Mandate, so you were nearly right.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p21p3uqSjIA
It’s wonderful this morning seeing a tide of experts on the TV and radio coming in and admitting they haven’t got a frigging clue how this is going to turn out.
May 7th, 2010 - 08:54
Man the fuck up, Vowl! That creeping sense of dread is exactly what the tabloids want you to feel, you know this, you’ve been writing about it (excellently!) for ages.
Think: what would 70s shower man do?
May 7th, 2010 - 08:59
I need 70s shower man to tell me it’s all going to be all right. And maybe carry me up the stairs.
Interesting times! And plenty of hope still remains…
May 7th, 2010 - 09:33
**said in tones of cinema advert voice over guy**
We’re each going to have to be our own 70s shower man now.
Plenty of hope: http://www.takebackparliament.com/
May 7th, 2010 - 08:55
Nicely done. I was also slightly moved by the repeated mentions of mandates, last night. Ended up sounding like some sort of metrosexual high-jinx.
May 7th, 2010 - 08:57
On a local level I’m happy that Doctor Evil didn’t get in, though I’m a little unsettled by the prospect that when I move to Southsea I could find myself with a Lib Dem MP cosying up to the Tories… Even more alarmed that Portsmouth North went Tory from Labour…
And Kemptown going Tory… I’m still not sure I beleive that one yet…
May 7th, 2010 - 09:00
So, whose handcart will we go to Hell in?
May 7th, 2010 - 09:28
Meet up on Stokes Croft (turbo island?), I’ll bring the white ace, you bring the dog on a string. Get wrecked and then buy some spray cans and paint a political mural. It’ll all be ok then…
Remember ’97? The street party atmosphere the day after? Funny how no one’s feeling that vibe now.
May 7th, 2010 - 10:39
‘Manchester City couldn’t buy the Premiership’
Odd that at some point on both Wednesday and Thursday night I was shouting ‘Get in there, Tottenham’.
‘Who wants to get wrecked on cheap booze all day and then end up sleeping in a skip, hoping this horrible feeling of dread is going to go away. Who’s with me? I said, who’s with me??!?!?!’
Unfortunately, as scrounging-work-shy-Labour-voting-dole-scum, I can’t even afford cheap booze.
May 7th, 2010 - 10:40
This is more cynical than anything I could write. And godknows I’ve been trying.
Having said that, I never expected miracles this election, and I voted Lib Dem.
May 7th, 2010 - 11:12
All aboard the Titanic! Obviously I want to disembowel Piers Morgan on general principle, but when the likes of Lord Voldemort start banging on about the need for electoral reform fifteen minutes after an exit poll indicates they’re in for the biggest shafting of any party since 1931, it does unhealthy things to my already elevated blood pressure.
You’ve just had thirteen years in government in which you could have done something about it, you slimy hypocritical turd.
May 7th, 2010 - 11:16
I was more concerned about my local count of Sutton and Cheam, tried to stay up but couldn’t. So pleased that Paul Burstow is still the MP.
There are still Tory banners up in my road, I may have to take them down by force! She lost people.
It looks like it could be a Lib Dem/Tory thing. All kinds of weird.
May 7th, 2010 - 12:14
The actual voting figures are mad. 10m Tory, 8m Labour, 6.5m Lib Dem. My maths (which, bear in mind, may be affected by staying up until 5am), suggest that means that getting 25% of the country to vote for you will win you 8% of the seats. Or that getting over three quarters of the number of votes Labour attracted will get you less than a fifth of their seats.
See, this is why they get Emily Maitlis with a giant iPad to explain this stuff and not me.
May 7th, 2010 - 12:44
anton and gurningchimp – see you at turbo island. it’s one of the few non-tory parts of bristol left!
May 7th, 2010 - 13:10
In relation to point 5: I don’t really understand how it works*.
My limited understanding is this: Britain is divided into districts and people elect an MP in their district. Then the district is for the party that the MP belongs to, and the party with the most MPs wins the election.
What I don’t really understand about a system like that (if I am right, that is) is that not every vote counts, and does not represent the national votes at all. For instance I saw on the BBC website that the Democratic Unionist Party got 168,216 votes (0.6%) and the UK Independence Party got 901,312 votes (3.1%). Yet, DUP gets 8 seats while UK-IP gets none!
Far be it from to say that the Dutch system has got it right (3 fallen cabinets and a temporary one in a row says quite a bit). However, I always find it very satisfactory that even when I vote for a party that is small, it has every chance of a seat in the parliament, and that it can still be considered to form a majority coalition cabinet.
* I know I could look this up on Wikipedia, but that scares me. I mean: I might just want to look up how the British electoral system works, but I’ll click on every remotely interesting link until I’ll end up on a page describing the giraffe weevil…
May 7th, 2010 - 13:33
I was in the nasty position of drinking too much early in the evening, finding a quiet corner to sit down until i felt better, only to recover and return to the tv just in time to find that the tories had held my (ultra marginal) constituency with a massive increase in their majority. I went home after that. Couldn’t face seeing the smug faces of the student conservative society.