A CHARMLESS man in a suit says he is 'fucking livid' after having been forced to travel by railway 'along with all the plebs' due to the Viking Ashcloud of Doom today.
Jim Banks, 32, usually travels the pitifully short distance from London to Manchester by air, wasting his company thousands of pounds every year - but that option has been denied him by Iceland's grey fug of transport chaos hovering over the UK.
Trying to keep his balance as he wobbled down the miserably small aisle with a £26 bacon roll containing two pieces of fatty bacon and a £15 cardboard beaker of boiling hot coffee-coloured water, Banks turned his ire on Iceland, health and safety, trains, other people, and life in general.
He barked: "How the hell am I meant to do any work when I'm having to be near these smelly poor people, some of whom have children? Sure, they're down there in standard class while I'm in what passes for first in these horrible rattling tin fart-tubes they call carriages. But come off it. Is this how normal people who aren't spunking several hundred quid a day on exes have to live?"
Banks, who was attending an important conference in which he and 54 other identical men in their 30s sat around a table in a nondescript hotel in the middle of a windswept industrial estate, looking at Powerpoint presentations and pointless mnemonics on flipcharts, learning absolutely nothing of any importance for their middle-management drone-tinkering roles, added that he felt it would be safe to fly.
"These health and safety bastards are ruining all our fun," he snapped, pausing to smirk at a supposedly pornographic clip on his Blackberry in which a woman defecates from a chair into a man's mouth, "I say we should just get the planes up there and have a go. I want to be able to fly, and I actually make quite a lot of money, so I think I should be able to."
Banks's fellow passengers agreed with the sentiment, hoping he could be launched into the stratosphere at the earliest possible opportunity, but he countered: "Look, I'm actually pretty fucking important in my company. And this cloud is making me feel like I'm like the rest of you. And that pisses me off."