A GIANT ash cloud spiralling down from a volcanic eruption in Iceland says it is "happy" to be used as a clunking metaphor or simile during the election campaign.
The cloud of dirty volcanic ash was belched into the sky early this morning, but took time out from floating through the air to admit it would be delighted to form part of any political commentator's analysis of the parties' fortunes, particularly in the light of tonight's televised debates.
"It's what I've always dreamed of," said the cloud. "Just a day ago I was largely sitting around in a volcano - which is very dull. By this time tomorrow I could be referred to by all kinds of political writers who think they're being tremendously wry, looking for a predictable analogy that's within easy reach.
"I imagine they'll say something along the lines of 'It wasn't just the volcanic ash cloud that cast an ominous shadow over Gordon Brown's performance at the TV election debate' or something like that. I really can't wait, it's a dream come true."
Political writers said they would only be too happy to use the cloud as a tediously obvious metaphor or simile in their articles for tomorrow. "Oh yes," beamed Henry Fwahfwah, chief political teamaker for the Telegraph, "I'll definitely be writing something about how the ash cloud is as gloomy as Gordon Brown, or how Gordon Brown blots out the sun like the ash cloud, or how the years of Labour Government are a bit like the ash cloud and a Conservative victory would be like the sun coming out.
"Definitely. I mean, even if David Cameron completely fucks up the election debate, I'll be writing that, don't you worry about that."
The volcanic ash is said to be 'particularly pleased' that its progress south through the country has been marked by ever-increasing coverage by news organisations.
"When I was lumbering down the north of England, no-one really gave a shit," said the cloud as it descended. "But you get anywhere near the home counties, and all of a sudden you're news!"