Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

Europeans rejoice as ‘Brits on the piss’ stuck in airport

THE continent of Europe has been celebrating tonight as thousands of beer-swilling fuckwits have been prevented from piling onto budget airline planes to embark on stupidly drunken stag and hen weekends.

"I noticed something tonight," said a relieved Milan Novacek as he walked around his eerily quiet bar in central Prague. "There was something missing. It was hard to put my finger on at first, but then I realised: no-one in a football shirt had launched into a rowdy chorus of LET'S GO TO A BROTHEL before throwing a beer glass in someone else's face and ending up in a bubbling pool of beery vomit and blood on the cobblestones.

"Sure, my takings are down 400%, but maybe it's worth it to have a night off. I had forgotten what this place smelled of without sick on the floor."

An immense cloud of spiralling evil volcanic sooty nonsense was farted out over Iceland on Monday morning, rendering Sky News into a right old tizzy, as if a few people not being able to go on holiday was like the Blitz or something, but at least providing a welcome clunking metaphor/simile for hard-working hacks in a hurry.

While continental Europe might be delirious with joy at the absence of boorish twats from Essex getting their cocks and arses out for the 900th time this evening, others were less pleased.

Ricky 'Rickyboy!' Smith, of Southend-on-Sea, spoke of his disappointment at not being able to 'get completely fucking wrecked, like me and the lads do every night anyway, but somewhere foreign'.

He said: "We were looking forward to really getting totally cunted on cheap lager and then maybe getting the clap off some ropey old prostitutes. It's my stag weekend, after all. But this fucking smelly cloud of shit from Iceland has fucked our plans right up. Now all we can do is get mullered in the departure lounge at Stansted and smash some stuff up here. But it's not the same vandalising British shops when we really want to be breaking some glass and having fights in another culture instead."

Conspiracy theorists have expressed dismay at not being able to find anything other than a perfectly rational explanation to the grounding of all of Britain's aircraft.

Mike Luni, from Andover, took time out from crying softly in his parents' spare bedroom to confirm that he was 'disappointed' by the lack of tinfoilhatness about the Icelandic emission.

He said: "Yes, I can confirm that despite everyone's best efforts, this is an entirely natural phenomenon and not some secret plot by the Zionist shapeshifting Illuminati to boil your babies alive.

"Which isn't to say that they wouldn't, given half a chance."

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