Nation prepares not to watch TV election debate
EXCITED voters are looking forward to avoiding the first ever British TV election debate.
The televisual damp squib, scheduled for Thursday evening, has motivated millions of Britons to pick up a copy of the Radio Times in a desperate bid to find something - anything - else to watch instead of the tedious finger-jabbing exercise in mediocrity.
Keen TV viewer Joyce Mad, 79, a pensioner from Milton Keynes who likes knitting and boring other people about her grandchildren, said: "I love watching TV and I'll pretty much have it on throughout the day, no matter what I'm up to.
"But I'll be fucked if I'm going to sit around being patronised by those three hopeless cream buns all evening.
"I'm looking at DIY SOS, followed by Have I Got News For You and then Outnumbered, although there are other options. You could go for In Search Of The Perfect Loaf on BBC Four at 9pm - sure, it sounds like it could be excruciatingly dull, but then again, it won't be that trio of wankstains."
While die-hard political freakshows and people with no friends are said to be 'delighted' by the likelihood of the debates being over-analysed and lied about by dimiwitted party cheerleaders for hours afterwards, all of whom will claim that their candidate 'won' the argument, everyone else in Britain is just looking forward to another night of low-grade relatively entertaining TV fare.
"I'll be going for Hitler's Bodyguard on Yesterday," said weary dad-of-three Michael Spam, 36, from Bridlington.
"It's going to be good because it's got Hitler in it. I mean, say what you like about Hitler, but is anyone going to be making documentaries about Nick Clegg's bodyguard in 60 years' time? I don't bloody think so."
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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April 14th, 2010 - 18:30
Oh, God. I’m 35 and I like Hitler documentaries. I’m Michael Spam.
April 14th, 2010 - 19:02
I just realised I’m going to be out tomorrow evening!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
It’s just like the ‘Why Don’t You…?’ themesong promised me all those years ago.
April 14th, 2010 - 22:37
Actually In Search of a Perfect Loaf sounds quite interesting.
And I meant to say a couple of days back that until you’ve been in a minibus with a dozen 12 year old girls, you’d be surprised at exactly how much Justin Bieber related conversation there is.
April 15th, 2010 - 08:06
However, I would like to point out that I sometimes watch documentaries on Stalin as well.
April 15th, 2010 - 09:28
Me and the wife are watching it, I’m fixing up a nice stew and dumplings, some wine and a notepad.
ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL!