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Bunch of wee-smelling old bigots announce manifesto from down the pub

A COLLECTION of grumpy old idiots, who enjoy racism in private company but don't like the whole bomber-jacket-and-tattoos thing about the BNP, have launched their election manifesto with the slogan: "We just made this up in the pub. Hope you like it."

The bunch of disgruntled divorced dads and thick-necked pub landlords concocted their 3-page manifesto - available now by fax or on photostat - to try and redress the balance of 'our masters in Brussels' and all sorts of other horrors which are, they say, ruining the traditional British way of life.

Spokesman Lord Fearsome told a largely empty room with two coughing bored journalists sitting at the front: "This manifesto, which we worked out after a game of darts in the Feathers the other night, will make Britain great again.

"First, pull out of Europe. Second, we need to be able to smoke in all public places, especially in children's faces. Third, er... is there a third? Shit. Ah yes. Send em back! Send em all bloody back!"

Lord Fearsome then waved proudly, holding up a dog-eared copy of the manifesto, and waited for applause which somehow never came. He quickly added: "We're not racist, but... er, you know. Nudge nudge and all that. Abhor the BNP and all it stands for, but, er, exactly the same policies on immigration, sometimes worse. But we'll obviously distance ourselves from them. Ban the burka. Ban everything. Except when it's Europe banning us, and then banning things is wrong, of course. Our masters in Brussels.

"Have I talked about smoking in pubs yet? Yet another way in which the traditional British way of life, and a slow and dreadfully painful death from lung cancer, ruining the lives of loved ones and family members and scarring them emotionally for all time, is somehow being seen as a bad thing bythe so-called nanny State, and our masters in Brussels. The evil wizards of Satan."

Deputy leader John Scum, who smells faintly of urine, said: "If you like the idea of racism, but don't like to be associated with the BNP because you think that's socially frowned upon, worry not. Come along and join us. We wear suits rather than bomber jackets, and we don't shave our heads, so we're completely different. Here you'll find casual racism and deeply bigoted views but with a more respectable dress code, so you won't feel like you have to be a football hooligan to join."

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