BRITAIN'S white men are preparing for the annual humiliation of having to expose their polystyrene-coloured legs to the world as part of national 'Pretend It's Fucking Summer Already Despite It Only Being About 14 Degrees Day'.
The day has been announced for tomorrow due to forecasts of only slightly mild if relatively sunny weather, and white men are already said to be 'fearful' about showing their uncovered milky-white flesh in public after the winter hiatus.
"I know it's the law that when the temperature goes above 10 degrees you have to pretend you're in the middle of a fucking steelworks or something and strip off to basically nothing," said Jason Tyler, 43, an IT specialist from Newport, "but to be honest with you I'd rather sit in the shade with a coffee.
"Of course, I won't do that - I'll be sitting in the sun with my shirt off, probably even wearing fucking sandals, guzzling away on pints of lager, despite an icy wind, like everyone else. I may even buy a convertible car to drive around and around aimlessly beforehand or do some pointless angle-grinding in the garden just to make a racket in the sunshine. I mean, otherwise you're not taking part properly.
"But it's these legs. They're like a couple of fucking sports socks stuffed with cotton wool. What am I meant to do with these?"
A million barbecues have already been pencilled in for tomorrow afternoon - of which, 500,000 will be cancelled due to rain, 300,000 will not go ahead due to everyone being too pissed to cook, and 100,000 will result in food poisoning and / or severe burns.
But one man who is planning to go ahead regardless is middle-management clone Ryan Wood, 29, of Reading. Speaking on his bluetooth headset from Membury Services, he said: "Sure, it'll be a pain to dig the shorts out of the back of the wardrobe, and it's not as if it'll be actually warm enough to wear them, but fuck it - we've got to try and pretend we live in a warmer country than we actually do.
"So I'll be walking around in sunglasses and noshing on an ice-cream, as if it's fucking August in Marrakesh rather than an overcast Saturday afternoon on the M4 Corridor."
Sales of Pimm's, Ambre Solaire and tasteless pre-packed salad are said to have soared throughout Friday, with many fights breaking out over the last bag of charcoal briquettes outside petrol stations. Weather forecasters are predicting "loads of shit in the papers about the temperature", including big thermometer graphics, cartoons of the sun with a smily face wearing sunglasses and a hat, pictures of barely legal 'beauties' sunbathing in Bournemouth and meaningless comparisons with night-time temperatures in popular holiday destinations for Brits which are undergoing five minutes of slightly less warm weather.
One Met Office insider said: "Here we fucking go again."
(Inspired by Army of Dave's gay legs. And just in case you think I'm sneering, I bought two pairs of shorts today. Oh, I'll be out there!)