Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

We’ve told you absolutely fuck all, admit political reporters

BRITAIN'S leading political reporters have issued a statement today apologising for 'wasting everyone's time for the past week, if not longer'.

The coterie of smug middle-aged, middle-class white men in suits and old school ties go on to say they are 'ashamed' of having pretended they could add anything to the public's understanding of the general election campaign, and ask to be sacked immediately.

"We won't even clear our desks," they sigh in the two-page release. "Just send us our stuff in a fucking bin-bag and we'll get our security passes to you in the post. We'll be down the Job Club."

Signatories of the heartfelt confession of miserable shilly-shallying include the BBC's state-funded gossip Nick Robinson, everyone who works on Sky News - especially 'Randall and Boulton Unleashed', a programme that makes you wish someone would put a muzzle on them, never mind a leash - and whoever it is that does it for ITN nowadays (I think his name is Tom or something).

The statement begins: "We, Britain's TV political journalists, may have given you the impression that we could provide some kind of meaningful insight into the 2010 election.

"We now realise, after a lot of soul-searching, and having watched the tapes in the cold light of day, that our ambition had outstretched our rather limited abilities.

"Instead of providing a genuine expert analysis of what was going on, we acted like parochial twats in a circle-jerk of gossipy nonsense, failing to bring anything of even remote interest to the table. We ended up, we're afraid to say, like pompomless chearleaders, squealing and dancing our hackneyed choreographed routines in the breaks between real things happening to try and keep you interested.

"We ask not for your forgiveness - it's too soon for that - but that you might one day give us a minor role doing the weather on some provincial TV station somewhere, or something. Please, we just want to be on telly."

Accepting their resignations, television bosses said they were pleased that their inept political reporters had 'finally seen sense'. A BBC spokesman said: "I'm glad Nick realised he was wasting his time, our time and the viewers' time. We hope that this election will now seem less cluttered with vacuous wankery, and we have decided to replace Nick's segments with film of a gorilla using a stick to get his dinner out of a termite mound. It really is quite fascinating."

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