Enemies of Reason Poundshop potshots at the media moral maze.

Please make it stop, whimpers voter

A VOTER planning to exercise his democratic right in the forthcoming general election has pleaded with all sections of the media to "Please, for the love of all that's good in the world, just give it a fucking rest for five minutes".

Frank Painter, 55, admits he had been 'slightly looking forward' to this year's big vote at first.

"Sure, it seemed like it might be interesting," he said, trembling softly from the cupboard under the stairs and wiping another tear away with a J-Cloth.

"But that was before I turned on the television."

Painter, a generic office drone from Lincolnshire, said he didn't have time to reach for the remote control before his brain was "assaulted with a tediously smug tidal wave of banal election shit", and was left gazing on helplessly as taxpayer-funded nudge-nudger Nick Robinson failed to hide a "baguette-like" erection at the news that the country would be going to the polls on May 6.

"Of course it wasn't just him," sobbed Painter, gently pressing a rusty nail into his cornea to try and take the pain away, "It was all of the fuckers. Him, Huw Edwards, Nick Witchell, all of them. All of them. I sat there motionless for several minutes while a seemingly endless parade of boring bastards in suits stood around, talking about who was doing what, who'd said what and 'what it all meant', unable to move, somehow transfixed by the horror of it."

Painter's ordeal ended what seemed like hours later, when the BBC returned to its usual daytime schedule and showed a crappy old episode of Bargain Hunt or Cash in the Attic - you know, one of those generic antiques programmes anyway.

"But it seemed like heaven," cried Painter, applying sandpaper to his glans. "After that torrent of miserable wankery about politics, I could have watched people talking about teapots and old bits of silver until the end of time."

However, Painter's next-door neighbour, Sheila Bainbridge, 41, said that he had "got off lightly" and had little sympathy for his breakdown.

"The cheeky cunt," she snipped. "He should try watching Sky News, then he'd know pain. Then he'd know!"

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