Shut the fuck up about me, exasperated Justin Bieber tells Twitter
BAFFLINGLY popular non-threatening boychild singer Justin Bieber has urged Twitter to 'shut the fuck up' about him after topping the trending topics for the billionth time in history*.
"It was quite flattering at first," mewed the floppy-haired Canadian warbler, sipping a diet soda in his elaborately furnished mansion.
"But, seriously? What the fuck? Haven't you people got anything better to do than jaw on and on endlessly about me all day? Surely there are other human beings on this planet worthy of your time and attention... I mean, surely? No...?
"Sometimes I just wish everyone would shut the fuck up about Justin Bieber. It was Easter yesterday and I out-trended Jesus."
The news of Bieber's so-called 'meh' attitude towards his inexplicable ascent to the zenith of all fame ever came as a heartbreaking to his legions of adoring teen fans, but welcome relief to literally millions of puzzled adults who "simply didn't know where to start" with Twitter's ever-trending topic.
"Oh, thank heavens," said generic office drone Clive Williamson, 45, from Solihull. "I had no idea who this man was. I kept on thinking, oh, am I missing out on something? But do you know what, I couldn't even be fucked to Google him. I just knew he'd be the kind of cookie-cutter nobody that I couldn't give less of a shit about.
"Yet as a parent of teenage children I suppose I'm meant to fucking know about all this crap, for some reason or other. Well fuck that."
* None of this is actually true. Just in case there was the tiniest chance you thought it was.
Related posts:
Buy my book, it’s great
Switch site
Donate
Recent Posts
- Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio…
- Children died
- The letters you never get around to sending
- Applying again
- I just sent Robin round – 2
Most Commented On
Recent Comments
- Iain on Applying again
- Roger on The letters you never get around to sending
- Dave Hodgkinson on The letters you never get around to sending
- droid on The letters you never get around to sending
- Rogue_Leader on The letters you never get around to sending
About Me
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
If you're struggling to read the site please use the drop down box below to increase the text size.
April 5th, 2010 - 15:11
I’m 46 and thank fuck my kids are just a little to old to listen to Justin Bieber, although one of them does have questionable taste in music. I know the charts have always been full of shit, but it seems dross dominates the music scene now more than ever. Or is it my age? Perhaps I really am just a sad old git. Truth be told, the last CD I bought was choral music by Rachmaninov!
April 5th, 2010 - 15:32
I’ve still managed to completely avoid this person. I know it will not last forever, but it’s an achievement nonetheless.
Now I know he is a “floppy-haired Canadian warble”, which is a worrying development.
I won’t mention him again if you don’t. Deal?
April 5th, 2010 - 19:47
Twitter.
April 5th, 2010 - 23:12
I’m sixteen and you may actually have to shoot me before I listen to his music. Apparently he’s my age, but he looks like an eight year old. So creepy.
April 6th, 2010 - 05:50
are you for real!!!!!!!!!! i am crying right now cause of you.you just lost a fan(me)
April 6th, 2010 - 05:51
i really loved you a lot
April 6th, 2010 - 10:11
A fan of Anton, or Justin?
Yours,
Confused of St. Paul’s.
April 6th, 2010 - 11:34
I’d like to think there’s a fairly big crossover between my fans and Justin’s.
April 29th, 2010 - 12:42
Justin Bieber is very talented for his age. He is also very famous and my kids love him. ‘-