BAFFLINGLY popular non-threatening boychild singer Justin Bieber has urged Twitter to 'shut the fuck up' about him after topping the trending topics for the billionth time in history*.
"It was quite flattering at first," mewed the floppy-haired Canadian warbler, sipping a diet soda in his elaborately furnished mansion.
"But, seriously? What the fuck? Haven't you people got anything better to do than jaw on and on endlessly about me all day? Surely there are other human beings on this planet worthy of your time and attention... I mean, surely? No...?
"Sometimes I just wish everyone would shut the fuck up about Justin Bieber. It was Easter yesterday and I out-trended Jesus."
The news of Bieber's so-called 'meh' attitude towards his inexplicable ascent to the zenith of all fame ever came as a heartbreaking to his legions of adoring teen fans, but welcome relief to literally millions of puzzled adults who "simply didn't know where to start" with Twitter's ever-trending topic.
"Oh, thank heavens," said generic office drone Clive Williamson, 45, from Solihull. "I had no idea who this man was. I kept on thinking, oh, am I missing out on something? But do you know what, I couldn't even be fucked to Google him. I just knew he'd be the kind of cookie-cutter nobody that I couldn't give less of a shit about.
"Yet as a parent of teenage children I suppose I'm meant to fucking know about all this crap, for some reason or other. Well fuck that."
* None of this is actually true. Just in case there was the tiniest chance you thought it was.