CHILDREN'S telly time travel drama Dr Who has been branded 'not sexy enough' by one disappointed masturbator who failed to 'exterminate' during Saturday night's debut for Matt Smith.
"A lot of people are saying it was too sexy," said Brian McMahon from his grubby studio flat in Ludlow, "but I just couldn't get there. And believe me, I tried."
Speaking from an ominously stained sofabed surrounded by unwashed plates and empty tins of spaghetti hoops, McMahon continued his rant at the series producers - who, he claimed, had failed to make the sci-fi series satisfying enough for even the most diligent attempt to rub out a frenzied Saturday teatime wank.
"Sure, there was the lady in the short skirt. Granted. I'm not going to say she wasn't there. But where was the variety?" he whined. "Where was a glimpse of cleavage so you could squint and think she was topless? Why couldn't she go around cleaning the Tardis in little denim shorts and a wet t-shirt? Or just basically be naked. I mean I wouldn't mind if that happened.
"And I'll tell you something else. As for that freakish boy, that's enough to delay anyone when you're trying to ejaculate at a science fiction drama series. One look at his bulbous face is as good as looking at a recently run-over fox with its guts hanging out.
"You've virtually got to start again from scratch," he sighed.
BBC producers defended the series against the complaints of McMahon and many others who felt the show 'wasn't dirty enough for a lazy one under the duvet'. Executive big cheese Derek Small said: "This programme is intended as a family drama serial and not really with lazy early-evening masturbators in mind.
"We are sorry if on this occasion Mr McMahon failed to climax while watching BBC1, and are happy to refer his complaint to the BBC Trust for consideration."
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