A story about a TV show:
Jeremy Paxman's image as the all-knowing host of University Challenge has been dealt an embarrassing blow after it emerged that he regularly mispronounces the questions.
Oh noes! You mean to say a television presenter sometimes makes mistakes reading unrehearsed stuff out? Christ, who knew? Who knew this kind of thing went on? Has Ofcom launched an inquiry? I think we need to know the truth.
The presenter stumbles over names and is forced to re-record the questions at the end of the show, according to Alexander Guttenplan, the Cambridge University contestant who has become an unlikely television hero after refusing to be cowed by Paxman's withering put-downs.
So let me get this right. On television programmes they sometimes have to re-record things because they didn't quite come out perfectly the first time around...? Good God. That's shattered my illusions. I genuinely thought that Jeremy Paxman was the cleverest person in the entire world ever, and that he would never need to repeat anything because he's such a fucking brainbox. What am I going to do with this new-found knowledge? I think it's broken me. I've lost my innocence.
"As far as the results and the buzzing goes, the match goes all the way through but then occasionally either Paxo will pronounce something wrong or the cameraman will get it wrong and zoom in on the wrong contestant and that has to be refilmed afterwards."
Well fuck me sideways. Thank goodness we have this person to blow the lid off the biggest crime in BBC history since BrossRandSachscurve. Imagine if we didn't know that recordings of television programmes were slightly scratchier than the finished product, and that TV shows re-did bits to make them look smoother and more professional. Imagine that! We would all be in the dark thinking that everything's completely perfect. Next you'll be telling me that John & Gregg are making those nodding and wincing faces when people aren't actually cooking, and they're doing it to an empty kitchen! That'll really break my heart because I thought there were 500 fucking cameras in there at any one time!
When the natural sciences student correctly gave the answer as "WH Auden" following a few moments' thought, Paxman told him: "Good guess." Mr Guttenplan calmly replied: "It wasn't a guess."
The teenager from Hampstead, north London, now has an enthusiastic female fan base – known as "Guttenfans" – and several Facebook groups created in his honour, including one entitled: "Alex Guttenplan: very clever, very nice". He is also endearingly modest, attributing his success to having "a memory for interesting but useless facts".
That's all very well, Guttenplan, but you try having a crack at the Wednesday night quizzer down my local. If you get more than 3 out of 10 in any round, you're taken out round the bins out the back and beaten to death with a plank of wood for being too clever.
Responding to the comments, a BBC spokesman said: "In common with most pre-recorded programmes, minor reshoots do occasionally take place. These in no way affect the end result."
I would have preferred to have seen this:
Responding to the comments, a BBC spokesman said: "The Telegraph? The Daily fucking Telegraph? Ringing me the fuck up and asking me about how television works? Haven't you got a fucking clue about anything, ever? Hey guess what - the fucking Tardis can't travel in time. Football games on Match of the Day weren't actually five minutes long - we edited them and took stuff out. Has that made you cry as well? Do you not understand it? You fucking dillon."
But unfortunately, as ever, the BBC have to be polite about these things. One day...