A MAN going on a luxury holiday has spoken of his disgust upon hearing that other people want to earn a living wage.
"I mean, I don't want them to be slaves," he said, parking his BMW in a £500-an-hour space at Heathrow. "But a decent wage? Who the hell told them they deserve that kind of thing?
"When I'm on a plane, I want to be served by people who earn considerably less than me. Where is my dignity if they don't? Next you'll be telling me they can afford to have mortgages, or new cars, or stuff like that. I mean, hello? Who's the one with the money here?"
Arthur Bastard, 33, from Hemel Hempstead, continued his tirade against striking British Airways workers as he wheeled his bomb-proof Samsonite luggage towards the first class line to catch a plane to somewhere expensive enough to impress the neighbours and colleagues at work, but which he quite frankly hadn't even heard of a couple of weeks ago.
"I had thought of South Africa," he said, "but I had heard that had become affordable in the past few years. People who shop at Argos being on the same plane as you? Sharing the same air? It's a pretty foul thing."
Bastard had a five-star room booked somewhere ridiculously exotic where a man comes around into your room every three hours and turns over your pillows, makes a nice animal shape out of the bath towels and then puts some tropical flowers on top. But now, like so many others, he faces misery due to the striking workers.
"I heard that at other airlines the workers were paid much less, so that's a good thing. Pay everyone less. Make them suffer. Drag everyone down. Unless of course I'm getting paid more than someone in an equivalent job, in which case I deserve it," grumbled Bastard, accepting a complimentary cut-glass swan of champagne in the Privilege Lounge.
"People who work on aeroplanes... having a decent career?" he frothed. "What good will that do? You don't do that sort of job because of the money, you do it because of the love. And getting free flights just because you work at an airline? Appalling. I was saying to someone serving me an eight-course lunch the other day at our corporate hospitality box at the Emirates that this sort of thing had gone on long enough. And I really think it has. Of course, he chose to say nothing..."
Unlike so many others, whose holidays and possibly lives have been ruined by not getting exactly the flight they wanted to their pampering sun-soaked destination, Bastard was in luck. His flight left on time, but he had one parting shot as a man with a palm-leaf fanned him on his way to the departure gate. "They don't know they're born!" he roared.
"They need to get into the real world."