Nearly there, my friends. Just this, and one more to wrap it all up, and then we're done.
I always struggle to understand why the Mail has such a high female readership, given that an awful lot of its content seems - to me, anyway, and I am a man after all - to be ladyhate. The Mail I chose to spend 50p on and buy contains Femail, a section so angle-grinder-in-the-face-ingly painful that you keep trudging through it, wearily sinking into the quicksand, fearing that you will be swallowed whole and will never be found again, except when some archaeologist a million years from now brushes a bit of mud off your skeleton and wonders why you died at a desk, surrounded by whisky and tea, with a monkey next to you, and a strange piece of crumpled paper...
That's just a straightforward "X has said this, I disagree with X" piece about when women should become mothers, but there are slightly more bizarre references to women throughout the Mail
Tattooed lady? What is this, a fucking Victorian funfair?
And then you get this:
To which I must apologetically reply: But I really don't give a flying one how you do it, I'm afraid.
There's an artilce about Claudia Lawrence, the missing chef from Yorkshire
who you may recall was the subject of a quite appalling atrocity of journalism some time ago in the Mail, under the pretence of helping to find her but really a prurient bit of sleaze which, as it turns out, probably wasn't true either, regardless of whether it should have been published at all. Back then, they described her as having '40 mystery lovers and a thing for married men'; now, the police say she had 12 relationships in five years. Hardly the same, is it? Ah well, we move on, I suppose; if you read the dead-tree Mail I imagine you've forgotten about that other story already, and don't have a way of checking, since you need to write a letter into a newspaper to find something rather than looking it up on Google.
There's a bit of tedious sniping at Kate Winslet
in which we learn that, apparently, "all famous women that appear to be holier than thou, who wear their gym kit and kabbalah bracelet with pride, are roundly disliked". Are they? I didn't know these rules of ladyhate. I really am behind the curve on this one, I'm afraid, so will read on for more tips on how to know which women I should hate and which ones I shouldn't. They say you live and learn!
In Femail there are articles by women who have the common touch
a quick hand-grenade lobbed in the general direction not of the evil Manuel-botherer Wossy but his wife Jane Goldman
and, as ever, something to feast on your insecurities like a nest of hungry ants pouncing on your marmalade-covered face
Is this really what women want? I can't honestly tell you, because I'm not one. Maybe it is. I'd be surprised if it was, but you never know. You just never know.