Day 14: My supermarket shame
I wasn't thinking, really. I just lazily ambled into the Co-op, thinking there was nothing to concern me, but then of course it happened. Before I knew what had happened, I was right there alongside the newspapers as they yelled their front-page headlines at me.
I only caught three words. "WILL YOUR CHILD". At least I think that's what I read. My mind went off spiralling in a few different directions. Will your child be murdered by someone on Facebook? Will your child be bringing home one of those ghastly immigrants? Will your child be in debt for the next billion years thanks to Gordon and Alistair? Will your child ever stop crying long enough for you to kick off your slippers and read the Daily Mail in peace? Will your child grow up in a world in which no-one has any respect for newspapers and the stuff they print? Will your child even care about that?
I thought of all these things as I skidded past the booze section - I'd hastily set off at a canter past the newspapers in case I was tempted to go back and read it all. In my mind, I emulate the giddy heights of Michael J Fox's chase scenes through buildings, particularly the overcompensation when running around corners; but in reality I'm nowhere near MJF in his Teen Wolf pomp. It was all I could do to stop myself from stacking myself pathetically into a shelf of beer - which, thankfully, I managed to do. I'm sure it would have given the otherwise bleak-faced staff something to smirk about as they watched the CCTV footage over and over again. "Is this what it's come to?" I asked myself. "My mission to avoid the Mail, just fodder for people in the Co-op to laugh at when I go tumbling over like the inept Weeble that I am?"
I have been asking myself if it's really all worth it, and I'm not so sure it is, at times. Sometimes it seems that avoiding the M**l like the plague is almost as bad as the plague; surely it would be simpler just to look at it, roll my eyes and then carry on with my day. But is that possible?
So. Here's the plan. An experiment, if you like. Tomorrow I'm going to carry on avoiding my papery nemesis, as if everything's carrying on as normal. Then, on Thursday, I'm going to buy one.
Yes. Yes, you heard that right. Not avoid it at all. But go into a fucking shop and buy one. With my own money. Using cash. Buy it and look at it and read it. From cover to cover. Oh yes. I'm going to read the whole thing. From start to finish. Every word. Every syllable. Every sentence. Every whine. Every moan. Every angrily questioning headline. Every single bloody thing. And then, when I am done, I will tell you what I have seen. I will report back. I will be Fortinbras, having to report the terrible thing I have just witnessed to the world. I will be he who has borne witness to the atrocity. I will look, with my own eyes, and not shy away from what I have seen. I will dive, headfirst, into that lake of pus, that piss-coated bouncy castle of sniping and thinly veiled prejudice, and emerge with a triumphant grin. I will survive.
That's the thing. I've skirted around the edges this past couple of years. I've flirted with the Mail and all the delights within. We've exchanged a knowing glance on the stairs a couple of times, and I've gone home and wondered what it might be like in its pants. Now it's time for that office party where we get horrifically ratarsed and copulate like a couple of mangey foxes out by the swings next to a pub car park. And then, the postmortem.
Yes. I think the time is right. I must confess to you now I have never bought a D**ly M**l, with my own money, in my life. Sure, I've seen them. I've looked at them. I've had them shown to me by people who thought I should read what was within. But now, I want one of my very own. And I'm going to have one.
And you can't stop me.
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About Me
Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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March 16th, 2010 - 19:32
Look Anton, I know that you’re not a religious man but let it be known that on Thursday you will feature heavily in my prayers. I once bought a copy myself, albeit for my Dad when he was in hospital and demanded it, and I felt dirty for weeks afterwards. My repeated hand washing and showering made me look like Lady Macbeth squared. Best of luck sir.
March 16th, 2010 - 21:13
Go for the all-day burn on Thursday. Start early at 0600h and watch the BBC’s Breakfast show (imho this is The D**ly M**l on TV. Once you’ve watched that middle-class angsty crap, nip out and buy the M**l. Go to work (I’m presuming you’re in work Thursday). TiVo the One O’Clock News on BBC1 for later. Read the M**l during spare time at work (if you have any). If you’re not in work, there’s a whole middle of the day to pick and choose rubbish from: Matthew Wright, Jeremy Kyle, Teletubbies, the “Richard & Judy Franchise” on ITV now done by someone else (Schofe and Willowby Holloughby I think), and you can leisurely watch the BBC’s One O’Clock News and follow it with ITV’s News at 1.30pm. You could even cram in “You and Yours” from Radio 4, but now on TV as “Working Lunch” (marvel at the bizarre dentistry of Declan Curry).
If you’re at home by 5pm, grimace through Channel 5′s news, watch the TiVo’d One O’Clock News from 5.30-6pm. All the while, read the M**l. Compare/contrast which of these two TV news and the M**l is driving the news agenda (it’s not always the TV). 6pm The Simpsons – and turn over at the end (don’t wait for the titles) to Eggheads and see if smug Daphne loses. You have to have a break from the daily news agenda!
At 6.30pm there is a problematic choice: Live from Studio Five or ITN’s 6.30pm News on ITV. If you were reading The St*r, I’d suggest Live from Studio Five. As you’re reading the M**l, ITN’s News is the one for you.
Do you want to watch any proper news? If so… 7pm is Channel 4. If not, flick to the bizarreness of Sky News or the “is it Nationwide – no it’s just awful”-ness of The One Show. Alternatively go and make dinner. The Archers is on Radio 4, Bob Harris Cundree on Radio 2, Sibelius on R3, and “other radio broadcast services are available”.
Now for the evening, slushy pap-crap, ITV’s Tonight franchise has a special on the Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas http://is.gd/aKXVt (who was rumoured to be “out” about his sexuality in 2007 – discussion pages like this I can find: http://is.gd/aKY41 proper journalism – as if there ever is about such tittle-tattle – unfortunately I cannot), but properly outed himself to sell copies of… The D**ly M**l – http://is.gd/aKXI6 (spoiler warning, this link does go to the D**ly M**l website).
Now for the late evening – #bbcqt at 10.35pm followed by Brillo Pad meets Itchy and Scratchy on #thisweek. These may seem tame, even news-worthy, but in patches they too are influenced by the right-wing tabloids.
Personally, I’d buy the M**l (wearing latex gloves, I don’t even like to touch the thing) and ceremoniously burn the bloody thing: http://twitter.com/cjjmccray/status/9307212460
March 16th, 2010 - 22:47
Don’t do it! Actually paying for filth like that will destroy your soul.
I met a fine woman recently and things were going well until she mentioned her newspaper habits. I could perhaps have overlooked it (obviously only if the sex was goodenough), but she couldn’t see any problem with it. So she has a Mail not male.
March 17th, 2010 - 10:14
OK, I’m getting a bit worried about you. Like a priest who ends up doing bad bad things when he’s forced to be celibate, your Daily Mail celibacy is going to end with you doing a bad bad thing (i.e. paying actual sterling money for the Mail).
Please don’t do it. Just return to your harmless flirting. It’s far healthier.
March 17th, 2010 - 10:27
I once did what you described, read a copy from front to back. remarkably there was ONE good article in there. It was two paragraphs long, hidden next to a massive advert and the gist of the article was that Christians weren’t being prosecuted and the ex-archbishop of Canterbury was wrong (he had recently launched a tirade on how Christians were being persecuted in the UK). It just goes to show, there is a little bit of good in everything.
So brave sir, I salute you. May your mind survive the Mail unscathed.
March 17th, 2010 - 10:47
Nooooooooooooo! Steal it, yes. Buy it? Absolutely not.
March 17th, 2010 - 12:31
*shakes head in disbelief*
It will indoctrinate you. All this brilliantly written prose will be replaced by non-sensical shit-infested sensationalist hatred. Good luck. I would have your health checked and verified beforehand Anton, can never be too sure with these things.
March 17th, 2010 - 12:41
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
March 17th, 2010 - 13:50
Anton – no.
Remember Father Ted and Dougal made it out of the lingerie department unscathed. You can do the same once you are in that shop
March 17th, 2010 - 15:48
When burned, the Daily Mail gives off a deep blue flame.
I was going to try the Express too, but I got thrown out of WH Smith at that point.