This is a guest post by well known liberal-left author Nik Khan, who has written such important liberal-left books as Liberals Will Kill Your Children And Are Worse Than Cancer and the ever-popular If You're On The Left You're Utter Scum, as well as the classic Screw You, Leftie Devils.
If only you were as clever as me.
I know it's hard for you to get to grips with this kind of bright, counterintuitive thinking. But you're going to have to. Because if you don't you're going to look pretty silly at that next dinner party of yours, aren't you?
Let me take you through it again - yes, you can take notes if you can't keep up, for heaven's sake.
Torture is good. Oh, you know, you have to wring your hands about it a bit. You know, for a couple of seconds or so. Think of it like pretending to wipe your feet on a doormat when you've been hiking through mud for four hours. You've got to try and make it look like you care, haven't you? And then, formalities over and done with, you can clear your conscience and make the hard choices. This War on Terror, so hated by the liberals who in their stupidity are actually creating the beast of terrorism and allowing it to flourish everywhere, requires hard choices.
My fellow writer Bryce Enderson put it very well the other day, when he said: "Imagine this is an episode of 24. You know, there's a ticking bomb and everything. And you're Jack! Wow! You get to have a gun and everything and stick pencils in people's eyes when they won't give you the information you need! Great! Doesn't that give you a bit of a hardon just thinking about it? Imagine if you've captured one of the bad guys - you don't know for sure he's a bad guy, but what is he doing in Afghanistan in the first place - skiing? I don't think so! So you've captured him and he seems a pretty tough cookie. But you've managed to capture his pet puppy also. And you've got a woodchipper handy. With a heavy heart, you know, you've got to, haven't you? There's a ticking bomb! You need to save people's lives! Bzzzzz! Ha ha ha!"
You see, everyone on the left is a stinking hypocrite. I started up a Facebook group the other day proving this quite clearly. The group's called "Dirty Hypocrite Liberal Retards Think It Was Wrong To Torture Someone, Well Go And Join The Ruddy Taliban If You Love Them So Much, Which You Clearly Do" and I've had literally billions of people joining up. They're all as exasperated with the left as I am. Honestly, I don't know why I continue to be such a prominent liberal-left figure sometimes! But one must. One must try and educate them, mustn't one. My gift is also my curse, you see.
It's all the fault of white, middle-class, well-intentioned (I suppose!) liberal-left hippie types who think that people have 'human rights' or should be 'treated properly' and - get this - that if you go around torturing people who belong to a certain religion, that fanatical people from that religion will see that as evidence that you are waging war against their people, and that it might be counterproductive. Oh, I suppose they mean well. But they just aren't as clever as those of us who really see what's going on. This is a war! You need to hurt people sometimes. Treating people decently? Oh, give me strength. I suppose they'd do the same to us, would they? I don't think so! That means we're allowed to do whatever we like to them, dummy!
Of course, I try to get this point across, but those namby-pamby milquetoast fools who align themselves with 'human rights' - and therefore the Taliban - wilfully ignore my kind advice at every stage. It's very clear. You either support torture, or you support the evil Taliban, who do terrible things like, well, torturing people. See? I know which side I'd rather be on, thank you very much. No that the hypocritical twerps will get it. They'll still carry on, thinking they're 'doing the right thing'. Ugh. Makes you sick, doesn't it?