Dear Sir Andrew,
I am very excited by the opportunity advertised on your website for the position of director of research, with a corking starting salary of £45k. I mean, kerching! But I'm getting ahead of myself. What I mean to say is "I should like to offer my humble services and I am looking forward greatly to the challenge. I'm a confident self-starter with a bulging contacts book and yadda yadda you get the general idea with all that."
Admittedly, I haven't attended one of the 20 universities you consider good enough, and I don't know very much about statistics. But I think with this role, an absence of knowledge about statistics is very much an advantage. How else could I be expected to prepare a press release which implies that it's Britain's immigration policies which have meant our total of migrants is three times the world average, when the reality is very different, other than being ignorant about statistics? How else, other than by an ignorance about statistics, would I be able to put together an opinion poll with the options "Delighted", "Wouldn't mind", "Slightly worried", "Very worried" and "Don't know", about some extrapolated figures that may not even prove to be accurate? If I knew about statistics, surely I wouldn't do that.
I mean, the only other explanation would be that you deliberately skew statistics in order to reach a pre-decided conclusion or create the wrong impression, misleading journalists and their readers alike; but I know that's not the case, because in your job advertisement you're very clear about being an 'independent' think-tank - and independent think-tanks wouldn't have agendas, would they?
You say in the job advert that "MW is now recognised as the leading source for independent expert commentary on matters relating to migration into and out of the United Kingdom," and that sounds like an organisation I'd love to be part of. I should love to highlight the positive effects that immigration has had on Britain as well as those that may be perceived as negative. I know that as a leading source of independent expert commentary, you wouldn't want to be seen as being just a bunch of red-faced old bastards going "Wuurgggggggh! Foreigners!" and complaining about every aspect of immigration; so I'm sure you would like to use statistics to show that immigrants aren't all bad, and have benefited our country greatly. At MigrationWatch, we - look at me! "We". Feet under the table already! - need to provide the real facts that will help the public decide about immigration; and I know that, as an independent think-tank, you wouldn't simply want to say the same thing again, and again, and again, and again, always putting one side of the argument and never the other - that's not in the spirit of independence, is it?
We could, for example, use some statistics to try and calculate how much tax and national insurance our hard-working immigrants are paying - not just the big-earning footballers, of course, but the humble shopworkers and tradespeople as well - and compare it with greedy tax avoiders who are draining the life out of Britain. These are just a couple of suggestions; I hope you don't mind. I'm very keen to show you that I'd be able to take on a variety of roles for this vacancy.
If you do not consider me suitable for this position, I do have another suggestion as to the ideal candidate: Chris Grayling. I have a feeling he might be seeking alternative employment in the very near future, and he clearly has the kind of grasp on statistics that you're looking for. If, for whatever reason, you would prefer not to have me working for you, it would be nice if he could get a look-in, as he's having a hell of a time at the moment.
Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.