If you've ever listened to the Jeremy Vine show and thought "Blimey, some of the rum old suspects who phone up are a bit on the bewildering side", or even popped onto the BBC's Have Your Say forum and thought that the people posting messages were often a tiny bit angry, you've not seen anything until you've been onto the Express Have Your Say section.
Here's today's subject up for debate:
Ho ho. Has the 'Harperson' hilarity still not gone away?* Is it still just as pant-wettingly jocular as it always was? See, she's a woman, but the word 'man' is in her name, and she does equality shit and all that, so she's 'Harperson', do you see? Do you get it? It's brilliant, isn't it? It's all grown up and funny and that. Isn't it? Yes. Harperson. Not HarMAN, but HarPERSON. It's the joke that keeps on giving. Just when you think it's not possible for it to be funny any more, it creeps up on you and surprises you, and gets you roaring with laughter again. No point trying to fight it. She's Harperson now. Our journalistic discourse is so advanced that national newspapers can simply change someone's name, it's all funny, and everyone laughs. Can't wait until David Camercunt takes power, that'll be brilliant.
Well, there you have it. These are the lofty heights scaled by Express Have Your Sayers. I'm underselling it really. You try and wade through the debate and you'll find yourself incapable of carrying on. I think it's a first, because this is something that's genuinely unreadable. You can't read it. Go on, try. I'll be here waiting. Try reading the comments. You can't! No-one can. No-one could possibly be able to read it all. There is no way of getting through it all - if you can manage it, I salute you.
But then that level of debate is brought about by the SHOUTY RUBBISHNESS of the questions:
And I think it's there that I've found one of the most perfect internet comments ever. In fact I'm beginning to suspect there are ever more sophisticated bots that turn up on internet sites and leave random comments from a template. Surely it can't be real people doing this, can it?
They will have to get used to beening a Christian country, though, that's true. Ah well, not quite ironed out all the bugs yet.
* You may well, at this point, call me out as a hypocrite for my frequent use of 'Littlecock' to refer to the Daily Mail's star columnist Richard Littlejohn. You may well, quite rightly, suggest that it's not particularly grown-up of me to do so, when there are so many more ways of making him out to be stupid than simply mucking about with his name. That is true, and, insomuch as I do these things, I am a hypocrite. However, for as long as slightly changing people's names in a pointless attempt at humour ("Ram Jam Choudhary", for example, in a recent column that was so brilliant and so incisive, he should be Prime Minister) is Littlecock's stock in trade, he'll always be Littlecock around here.