It’s a mental picture all right
I know I shouldn't do it, but I accidentally let the mouse wheel creak round a notch when I was reading this relatively interesting Telegraph blog story about Labour's PR own-goal over 'Change We Can See'. And I found this comment by Phil Kean, which is a classic of its type, I think you may agree. It sums so many things up beautifully about what you find underneath stories in the comment boxes, you could be forgiven for thinking it verges on parody. But I think this is all sincerely meant:
A mental picture of Labour’s achievements since 1997
* UK bound illegal immigrants massing in Sangatte
* Fat, career benefit claimants sat in front of the TV
* Drunken girls fighting outside a pub at 1:30 am
* Reams of costly regulations sitting on my desk
* The sun reflecting off of a speed camera on the A3
* The sneaky paedophiles hiding around every corner
* The big yellow signs that say…. £1.16 per litre
* The tax bill I paid this morning
* Dole scrounging aliens calling UK soldiers murderers
* A shop full to the brim with Chinese imports
* The empty space where once stood a beat policeman
* The car tax disc costing more than some cars
* Very young girls pushing prams
* 3rd world countries humiliating UK armed forces
* Britain as the world’s laughing stock
* Brown & Blair stepping off their chartered BA 777
* Pay nothing for 1st year, then 5 years interest free
* Hayes – Middlesex, or Karachi?
* The end of saved-for luxury items – a ‘must have’?
* A knife glistening as it catches the sun’s light
* India’s space missions – Britain’s baby bonds
* Fat people waddling down the road like pregnant ducks
* Can’t read, can’t talk, can’t write – ready for work
* The have-a-go hero sentenced to 5 years in prison
* The teenage girl ignoring me as I hold the door open
* CCTV & bolted gates on schools & nurseries
* Talent: – Elton, Bowie, Floyd? – No, Leona & Cheryl
* All foreign English football clubs – Uhh?
* The death of Great Britain
I love so many things about this. I love that Phil is so angry about fat people that he has to mention them twice, and blame the Government for the fact that people eat too much. (And those fatties had better watch out if they're kids, because there are paedophiles on every corner. Every corner? Every. So here's a tip - just don't go around any corner, because there's a paedo waiting.*) I love that he blames the Labour Government for the lack of an Elton John, a David Bowie, a Pink Floyd, in this musical generation. I love the poetic but also slightly worrying description of "a knife glinting as it catches the sun's light", though to be fair he did practise that with "the sun reflecting off a speed camera on the A3" to make sure he got it right. Hey, at least the sun appears to be shining in Britain under a Labour Government though, Phil, count your blessings eh? Even if it is only glinting off knives and speed cameras. Oh, and the fact that he can't help himself to a thinly veiled "Hayes - Middlesex or Karachi?". I'd say Middlesex probably, Phil, but what do I know? I did undertake some education under a Labour Government so it's possible that I am as thick as pigshit and don't know where places are any more. Above all, I love the horror of PAY NOTHING NOW, THEN FIVE YEARS INTEREST FREE. The bastards. How dare Labour allow a situation in which people could spread payments for large items over several years, without having to pay interest on those payments. The dirty rotters!
Relatedly, here's a marvellous quote from the master of patrolling the world of internet comments, Speak You're Branes, when faced with an entry about "Clown and Starling":
Starling? Who the fucking cock is fucking Starling? Is it some kind of sideways reference to Josef Stalin, Soviet leader 1878-1953, but with an ‘r’ and a ‘g’ jammed in there so it’s an entirely different word? Is it the bird? I don’t know that much about birds. Are starlings like magpies, but for taxes instead of shiny stuff? Are they notorious as the absolute worst bird at overseeing a national economy? Or is it, as I suspect, that tedious moron Douglas Lee is physically incapable of either calling a politician by their real name or thinking up an even slightly witty substitute for ‘Darling’?
I’m just fed up with this. I sometimes assume Harriet’s surname means ’son of Harper’ before realising that if that actually was her name I wouldn’t ever get to read it. Every time I summon up the masocourage to look at a right-wing blog and see if I’ve not been wrong all along, I have to waste twenty minutes of my precious life ploughing through the sixty-two latest hilarious incarnations of Comrade (Has-)Bean Jocksky Bottler McLeonidBrezhnev Tartantits One-Eyed Idiot Barry “Bagpipe” Soetero Haggisface until I finally get to some lazy variation on “McBroon” and work out it must be the Prime Minister.
Though I suppose they’re just as stumped when they read ‘Gordon Brown’.
Now that's funny.
* Phil also complains about "CCTV & bolted gates on schools & nurseries" - but surely these are wise precautions if there are sneaky paedophiles hiding around every corner? Maybe those measures are just symptomatic of Labour's paedophile boom; they obviously wouldn't be evidence that we're so worried about 'paedophiles around every corner' that we're turning schools into prisons.
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January 28th, 2010 - 03:45
When I first read the list, I assumed that "Floyd" referred to Keith Floyd. I'm not sure he realises that "Pink Floyd" is a band name, whether he thinks it is a Forename-Surname thing, or a bloke called Floyd with a nickname based on his skin colour or sexuality. I have visions of him being disappointed when he heard a Pink song, thinking "her dad was much better", because he doesn't understand names.
He also seems disappointed about being ignored by teenage girls. Maybe he needs to practice sneaking.
January 28th, 2010 - 09:00
it's ok, because as soon as cameron comes into power, everything will be all fine and dandy and white again. it'll be like the last scene of the matrix. all fat people will instantly become daily mail worthy, mohammed will instantly become mike, and the paedos around every corner will become national front members.
January 28th, 2010 - 10:30
I suspect Phil's rage really all boils down to this:
"The teenage girl ignoring me as I hold the door open"
Not quite the washboard-stomached hunk you were under the Tories, Phil?
Phil's resentment at his lack of attention from schoolgirls would not only account for his simmering fury at the whole sexually unfulfilling world, but his secret desire for same is guaranteed to produce feelings of guilt and shame, and ultimately projection, producing a belief that there are "sneaky paedophiles hiding around every corner".
In conclusion, if you're a fan of message board wrongmos and you haven't read Freud, I suggest you do. You'll find HYS 100% more entertaining.
January 28th, 2010 - 10:35
Be fair though, it's not paedophiles themselves that Phil Kean is angry about:
"The sneaky paedophiles hiding around every corner"
…because presumably it was better under Thatcher's government when they hund around at the (unlocked) school gates with their old chaps hanging out? Phil? How dare Labour actively encourage them to go underground!!
Also had much fun dividing the list into sections of a)Nothing to do with a Labour government b)Would have happened under any government c)Put the crayon down, Phil, and have a rest.
January 28th, 2010 - 11:00
" The end of saved-for luxury items – a ‘must have’?
India’s space missions – Britain’s baby bonds"
Anyone? A little help? I can't help but think this is a list of Phil's favourite pub-rant subjects which, boiled down to bullet points, don't make sense without his accompanying twenty minutes of harrumphing and frothing.
"* The teenage girl ignoring me as I hold the door open"
You don't need to hold the door open Phil, just wind the window down and speak more clearly when you ask if she wants to see your puppies.
January 28th, 2010 - 12:20
Oh dear. I've just done a big wee whilst laughing at that.
That's childbirth for you. Two childbirths in actual fact, under the Labour Government. By different dads. Both of whom I am no longer with.
Perhaps under a Conservative government, the first one wouldn't have turned out to be a womanising mental and the second wouldn't have been bisexual?
Fucking Labour. Bastards…
January 28th, 2010 - 12:46
Here's one from someone who survived through 14 years of a Tory Government, and what they did for us;
* A major recession
* Fat, career benefit claimants sat in front of a TV
* Drunken men fighting outside pubs at 1:30am
* Minimal regulations on employment allowing the UK to have one of the lowest average working wages in Europe
* The sun reflecting off the General Belgrano as it sinks beneath the waves after being fired on whilst outside the exclusion zone and sailing away from it
* The sneaky child murderers hiding around each corner
* Big signs outside the docks, mines and steel works saying "Closed"
* Record unemployment (1993's record still hasn't been beaten yet)
* The Council Tax bill I have to pay every fucking month
* UK soldiers being sent out to die purely to keep a Prime Minister in power.
* Shops full to the brim with Far East imports (made in Hong Kong isn't a new thing…)
* The empty space where once stood a beat policeman – the Tories started pulling them off the street to deal with the paperwork in the '80's.
* The car tax disc ALWAYS cost more than some cars
* Very young girls pushing prams – Britain's teenage pregnancy rates were fourth highest in the Western world in 2006 – during the Tory government
* 3rd world countries humiliating armed forces – we didn't win, Argentina still lays a claim to the Falklands even now…
* Britain as the world's laughing stock – all of Europe laughing at the poor conditions and pay of our overworked, underpaid workers, our closing of our own industries, and our financial whoring to attract big, foreign financiers to move here because of better tax rates.
* Thatcher and Major riding around in notoriously fuel-inefficient Daimlers
* The start of irresponsible lending to try to rescue the economy from the black hole of the Tory recession.
* Canary Wharf – London or New York?
* The end of saved-for luxury items for the 5 million unemployed after the closure of the docks, mines and steelworks.
* A knife glistening as it catches the sun's light – knife crimes have never been away. Ask Peter Sutcliffe.
* Japan's space missions – Britain's taking daily milk away from primary schoolchildren
* Fat bankers waddling into chaffeur driven limos
* Appallingly low literacy standards due to cuts in education, high class sizes, etc
* Have a go heroes sentenced to prison – not a new thing, it's because Britain's laws haven't been changed for decades
* Teenage girls always ignore people when you hold the door open for them. That's because they're *teenagers*.
* A complete lack of security in schools thanks to cuts in education and not taking school's concerns seriously that eventually led to the Dunblane massacre
* Talent – Elton, Bowie, Floyd? No, Bros and Wham!
* Never gave two shits about football anyway
* The death of Great Britain, the birth of Thatcher's hateful state that regards the rich as gods and the poor as scum. ANd then makes people poor by arse-fucking them out of their jobs, their money and their homes.
Did I miss anything?
January 28th, 2010 - 13:19
I don't know about you guys but I certainly adjust my sexual proclivities based upon which government is in power. Joyous was that day in May 1997 when I finally became a paedophile.
I'm also looking forward to the day when the Conservatives get back into power and I can restart practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation with an anphetamine-filled piece of fruit stuck somewhere naughty, just like that one-time PM-to-be Stephen Milgram.
Happy days! Vote Cameron! Lol…
January 28th, 2010 - 13:35
Painful, painful stuff indeed.
These people worry me.
January 28th, 2010 - 14:27
Does anybody else have an overwhelming urge to set that list to music?
'Suburban Homesick Blues' or something.
January 28th, 2010 - 14:29
Oh Jesus. Phil Kean must be that guy who asked "which one's Pink?"
January 28th, 2010 - 14:37
A pedant writes – ducks don't get pregnant, they lay eggs.
The verification word for this comment is "foriney" – is that what Phil thinks England ((not UK) not Europe) has become these days?
January 28th, 2010 - 15:16
Hahahaha. This is a BRILLIANT post and I immediately thought of SYB when I started reading his dribble. Like bootlegmarkchapman, I noticed 'The teenage girl ignoring me as I hold the door open'. Is he blaming Labour for the fact that he can't cradle-rob? His obsession with women drinking, having sex and not talking to him is pretty fucking weird. Clearly, he resents them for not seeing him as a special snowflake and giving him a pity-shag, at the very least. I imagine he would probably say something about 'Harriet Harperson' and 'feminazis' if asked, before heading off to wank over underage girls on MailOnline.
Also: 'The tax bill I paid this morning.' So THAT explains his bitterness – he wants to be a 'fat career benefit claimant' sat in front of the TV, but Labour have made him get a job and pay taxes! Or something.
The 'dole scrounging aliens' was hilarious, I actually had visions of little green men.
'All foreign English football clubs – Uhh?'
Well, quite. Are they English, or aren't they? I'm sure Phil could give us an explanation – and a definition of Englishness to boot, in which I bet the words 'indigenous' 'white' and 'Christian' would pop up quite prominently…
January 28th, 2010 - 17:12
'Britain as the world's laughing stock'
I love it when this crops up. I like the idea of Brussells fat cats in jacuzzis full of our tax money, smoking cigars and laughing like supervillains as they send Britain every single immigrant (all of whom are immediately on benefits), make draconian legislation, steal our sovereignty while our teenagers all get high and pregnant and drunk and Jonathon Ross steals money directly from you, yes YOU, and the PC Brigade brutally murders anyone who says the word coloured and the feckless poor have a party at our expense and Britain slowly DESCENDS INTO SAVAGERY!!
I hear so much of this hilarious, hysterical bullshit from the right wing that it makes me think that I must definitely be correct to be on the left.
January 28th, 2010 - 17:54
Pregnant ducks? I take it that he's not a biology expert either.
January 29th, 2010 - 15:13
So the labour government is responsible for the lack of a new Elton John?
Gets my vote! Although I suppose using the same 'everything that's happened or that I've seen while they're in power is their fault' argument, I guess Labour's also responsible for the x-factor…