I know I shouldn't do it, but I accidentally let the mouse wheel creak round a notch when I was reading this relatively interesting Telegraph blog story about Labour's PR own-goal over 'Change We Can See'. And I found this comment by Phil Kean, which is a classic of its type, I think you may agree. It sums so many things up beautifully about what you find underneath stories in the comment boxes, you could be forgiven for thinking it verges on parody. But I think this is all sincerely meant:
A mental picture of Labour’s achievements since 1997
* UK bound illegal immigrants massing in Sangatte
* Fat, career benefit claimants sat in front of the TV
* Drunken girls fighting outside a pub at 1:30 am
* Reams of costly regulations sitting on my desk
* The sun reflecting off of a speed camera on the A3
* The sneaky paedophiles hiding around every corner
* The big yellow signs that say…. £1.16 per litre
* The tax bill I paid this morning
* Dole scrounging aliens calling UK soldiers murderers
* A shop full to the brim with Chinese imports
* The empty space where once stood a beat policeman
* The car tax disc costing more than some cars
* Very young girls pushing prams
* 3rd world countries humiliating UK armed forces
* Britain as the world’s laughing stock
* Brown & Blair stepping off their chartered BA 777
* Pay nothing for 1st year, then 5 years interest free
* Hayes – Middlesex, or Karachi?
* The end of saved-for luxury items – a ‘must have’?
* A knife glistening as it catches the sun’s light
* India’s space missions – Britain’s baby bonds
* Fat people waddling down the road like pregnant ducks
* Can’t read, can’t talk, can’t write – ready for work
* The have-a-go hero sentenced to 5 years in prison
* The teenage girl ignoring me as I hold the door open
* CCTV & bolted gates on schools & nurseries
* Talent: – Elton, Bowie, Floyd? – No, Leona & Cheryl
* All foreign English football clubs – Uhh?
* The death of Great Britain
I love so many things about this. I love that Phil is so angry about fat people that he has to mention them twice, and blame the Government for the fact that people eat too much. (And those fatties had better watch out if they're kids, because there are paedophiles on every corner. Every corner? Every. So here's a tip - just don't go around any corner, because there's a paedo waiting.*) I love that he blames the Labour Government for the lack of an Elton John, a David Bowie, a Pink Floyd, in this musical generation. I love the poetic but also slightly worrying description of "a knife glinting as it catches the sun's light", though to be fair he did practise that with "the sun reflecting off a speed camera on the A3" to make sure he got it right. Hey, at least the sun appears to be shining in Britain under a Labour Government though, Phil, count your blessings eh? Even if it is only glinting off knives and speed cameras. Oh, and the fact that he can't help himself to a thinly veiled "Hayes - Middlesex or Karachi?". I'd say Middlesex probably, Phil, but what do I know? I did undertake some education under a Labour Government so it's possible that I am as thick as pigshit and don't know where places are any more. Above all, I love the horror of PAY NOTHING NOW, THEN FIVE YEARS INTEREST FREE. The bastards. How dare Labour allow a situation in which people could spread payments for large items over several years, without having to pay interest on those payments. The dirty rotters!
Relatedly, here's a marvellous quote from the master of patrolling the world of internet comments, Speak You're Branes, when faced with an entry about "Clown and Starling":
Starling? Who the fucking cock is fucking Starling? Is it some kind of sideways reference to Josef Stalin, Soviet leader 1878-1953, but with an ‘r’ and a ‘g’ jammed in there so it’s an entirely different word? Is it the bird? I don’t know that much about birds. Are starlings like magpies, but for taxes instead of shiny stuff? Are they notorious as the absolute worst bird at overseeing a national economy? Or is it, as I suspect, that tedious moron Douglas Lee is physically incapable of either calling a politician by their real name or thinking up an even slightly witty substitute for ‘Darling’?
I’m just fed up with this. I sometimes assume Harriet’s surname means ’son of Harper’ before realising that if that actually was her name I wouldn’t ever get to read it. Every time I summon up the masocourage to look at a right-wing blog and see if I’ve not been wrong all along, I have to waste twenty minutes of my precious life ploughing through the sixty-two latest hilarious incarnations of Comrade (Has-)Bean Jocksky Bottler McLeonidBrezhnev Tartantits One-Eyed Idiot Barry “Bagpipe” Soetero Haggisface until I finally get to some lazy variation on “McBroon” and work out it must be the Prime Minister.
Though I suppose they’re just as stumped when they read ‘Gordon Brown’.
Now that's funny.
* Phil also complains about "CCTV & bolted gates on schools & nurseries" - but surely these are wise precautions if there are sneaky paedophiles hiding around every corner? Maybe those measures are just symptomatic of Labour's paedophile boom; they obviously wouldn't be evidence that we're so worried about 'paedophiles around every corner' that we're turning schools into prisons.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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