News of a 'swan divorce' has prompted Conservative leader David Cameron to make the following statement:
"Look, these swans are just one element of our broken society. Once upon a time, swans stayed together whether they liked each other or not, as is right and proper, but now they're shunning those traditional roles and leaving their cygnets to grow up in a divided and broken home, all because of liberals somewhere, probably.
"It's no coincidence that this swan divorce happened under a Labour Government. Sure, it's an extremely rare event and I'm going to tell you that it's wrong to make political capital out of it. But having said that, it is Labour's fault. These swans simply wouldn't have split up, had they been incentivised to stay together by our Married Swan Allowance.
"Only the other day I saw a swan attack a deer!
"Look at that! Did you ever see that under a Conservative Government? These are swans who have grown up in Broken Britain, with namby-pamby PC-gone-mad health and safety telling them they shouldn't do things which might endanger them, which they should of course be allowed to do, unless I disapprove of it, in which case, why isn't anyone telling them not to do it? Next you'll be seeing swans attacking men in canoes at knifepoint!
"Did you see the little blade under his feathers? That's just a symptom of what's gone wrong. What we need are more prison ships for swans! Pull their feathers off! Put them on boats! Slap them round the beak! Dress up in nice red coats and chase them with a pack of dogs! That'll teach them!"