Panic! No, don’t panic. Wait, panic!
The Express isn't sure whether it's the snowpocalypse or not.
Tuesday:
Aargh! Gas running out! Looting! Murder! People turning to cannibalism! (Of course, gas is always, by its nature, running out so it's not entirely false - it's just that it hasn't run out quite yet, so it's a teensy weensy bit misleading)
Wednesday:
Wuuuuurgh! Help! Panic! Chaos! Cars not moving quite as freely as they would otherwise do! Flakes of white stuff falling to the ground! Panic! Death! Roasting headless babies on a spit! Murder! Barricade yourselves in! Evil! Coldness! Fear!
However, Thursday brought this:
That's right. You see, the GAS IS RUNNING OUT and it's SNOW CHAOS, and you should be panicking... but, on the other hand, don't let that panic mean that we're ground to a halt, obviously. I mean, yes, it's is chaos, but on the other hand, it's not as if it's chaos, is it?
Panic returned for today, though, in a delightfully responsible piece of journalism that reports the facts without having to resort to simplistic scaremongering:
Yes! PANIC NOW! Panic! Stock up on tins of spaghetti hoops and firewood - this is going to be the snowmageddon! Doomed, I tell you, doomed! A far cry from "Don't let the snow bring us to a stop" - now the Express says that the snow definitely will bring at least 60,000 of us to a stop, permanently. Sadly, then, it's the "Don't panic" that's the island in a sea of "Aaargh, we're all gonna die!" - and when 60,000 of us haven't snuffed it because of the weather? Well we should just think ourselves lucky we're still around to enjoy such beautiful front pages.
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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January 10th, 2010 - 15:04
good news is that they are offering us free water so we wont die of thirst
January 10th, 2010 - 15:38
Who buys these newspapers regularly nowadays? Can they tell the difference – and how many of them care that they can? (You could run a parallel blog on the broadsheets [as were] similarly becoming clone papers).
At the risk of giving Rod Liddle even more blogspace: somebody should put together a slideshow of his portrait photos over the last few years, arranged chronologically – "a picture is a thousand words".
January 10th, 2010 - 15:56
If I were foreign, I'm pretty sure I'd think the Express was a satire newspaper. Surely nobody could take this seriously?!
January 10th, 2010 - 20:42
Where do they get figures like 60,000 from? Do they do some research (google) then think, "Hang on, that's nowhere near scary enough, add three more zeros." Last time I looked the total number of weather-related deaths was 27, presumably in the last 3 weeks. And it's getting milder now.
January 10th, 2010 - 21:28
I also like how all 4 of the Express covers sport a feature about weight loss, and Wednesday cover also features an article about how dieting/exercise leads to divorce!
keep up the good work!
January 10th, 2010 - 22:12
I am coming to the conclusion that Desmond is sat in room with Ian Hislop, drinking free water and eating spaghetti, nodding in agreement at this re-branding. It is now a satirical look at the construct of a front page, and just how much the British tabloid subscribers can take, and believe, without going, fuck right off, this has got to be a piss take?
"Cameron issues challenge to Brown to show leadership."
The image of Brown with his arms outstretched to the stars, pleading with the Holy One to stop the snow and cold weather is a lasting picture.
New Tory Pledge: We promise to cut Labour Snowfall levels to 75% of current projection and only a mere 15% of Iceland SnowEstimate rates. "Invest in Iceland snow equipment" councils, it is the most profitable in the World!
January 10th, 2010 - 22:36
Is there even any source information regarding that 60,000 figure?
January 11th, 2010 - 11:41
Is there ever Nathaniel? Is there fucking ever…