Ho ho holy shit, look at this!
From today's Mail front page:
Yes. You read that correctly. "Don't panic!" says the Mail. Think about that for a minute. The Daily Mail, telling its readers not to panic.
You might say "Well it's a bit fucking late for that, isn't it? The bastards have been telling their readers to panic about every conceivable thing, every other day this year, and now they're telling them not to panic? It's hardly likely!" - to which I would reply yes, I can see that, but look, it's Christmas, it's the season of goodwill to all people, no matter who they are, what they do or how they make a living - even working for the Daily Mail.
It's time to celebrate the happiness of the season and enjoy the fact that, for once, the Mail is telling its readers to relax, calm down, that everything's going to be all right, that Christmas is going to be OK and they're not going to be murdered in their beds or swamped by asylum seekers who are probably gay or something.
Hmm. You're wondering why I haven't used the whole front page, aren't you. Well, ah, um, well having told you that this was a rare outbreak of Christmassy loveliness from the Mail, and that, for once, they weren't trying to scare the shit out of their readers and get them to barricade themselves indoors for fear of what the outside world was going to do to them, I fear I misled you a little bit, because:
DEATH! FREEZING DEATH! PEOPLE BEING KILLED BY THE ICE! DON'T GET TOGETHER WITH YOUR FAMILY OR YOU WILL DIE! STAY OFF THE ROADS! STAY INDOORS! DON'T GO OUT THERE! YOU WILL DIE! YOUR FAMILY WILL DIE! YOUR CHILDREN WILL DIE AND YOU WILL WATCH THEM DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL FREEZING DEATH IN THE EVIL ICE!
Ah well. It couldn't last, could it. It didn't last. Maybe next year. Merry Christmas!
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Hello. I'm a Bristol-based writer and soon-to-be-redundant journalist. You can read more about me and the Enemies site here, or follow me on Twitter. Email me if you like - antonvowl at live dot co dot uk
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December 24th, 2009 - 10:45
To be honest, I think they should have gone with:
"Chim-Chimeny, Chim-Chimeny, CHIM-FEAR FOR YOU!
An obese foreigner has reportedly entered the country ILLEGALLY (with NINE animals that have not passed UK quarantine laws) and plans to break into EVERY HOUSE IN BRITAIN and leave MYSTERY PACKAGES in his wake. MOD Airspace officials confirmed sightings last night, and British homeowners have been advised to keep all stocks of sherry and mince pies well out of sight."
December 24th, 2009 - 14:28
After feeling distinctly warm and fuzzy, oh Mr Dacre, you spoil me with your festive advice and freebies, the next page must be filled with….
"Spare Food or Clothes? Give it to the Needy and Homeless"
"Homosexuality: A future for Equality in England."
"Immigration – Study finds it adds to character of UK"
Ah. The Mail Delusion.
Never leave your house, even to get The Mail, because you will be stabbed and shot and raped by a black-muslim-gay-northern-aids-riddled-benefit-scrounger who became the way he did because he smoked a joint.
I long for the day when the readers wake up to the fact it is all a parody of truth, peddled by the remnants of fascism left in Britain.
Ah. The George Delusion.
Happy Christmas to the enemies of reason and also to you Anton.
December 29th, 2009 - 03:45
At least if your family freezes to death they won't be at risk of having their jobs stolen by foreigners.
WV: "factal", an approximation of what the Daily Mail does.